AIBU SIL history not quite right

[madanne]

Bear with me, as this may get a bit longwinded. Brother met a woman at work just before covid. She moved back up north. They kept in touch and he left a good job to live with her. I went up to stay with them in the summer. he seemed really nice and they appear to be a happy little family. Over a few drinks, she told me her history. She had had a relationship with an older married man who left his wife for her but his wife was a nightmare and he was mentally abusive and they ended up splitting up but stayed friends. I wasn't too impressed as my husband had left me for another woman but I let it go. Fast forward to this week. The married man has died from covid and she has put a big status on fb with a photo of them together about how she misses him and how special he was. This seems a bit odd to say the least. I spoke to my brother and he was a bit annoyed but he doesn't like confrontation and won't say anything to her. I now work where my brother worked (the main employer in our town). It seems her story is not quite as she said. They all refer to her as the Bunny boiler. She did have an affair with one of the managers. However, she would not leave him alone and would follow him everywhere he went. She tried to stop him from seeing his kids and used to ring his ex-wife when she was drunk. She then had an affair with another married man after that and he ended up leaving the company and moved away because she wouldn't leave him alone when they finished. People said no one wanted to work with her because she was so difficult to work with and caused arguments. My issue is not really that she had these affairs(always 2 sides) but that she is not honest with my brother. He gave up a great job and is now reliant on her completely. It is all her family, her friends. He has only managed to get the odd casual bit of work and relies on her financially. He has only been to see his son once in over a year, saying he has no money (I offered to give him the money but he refused). If this was a girl in this relationship I would be concerned that it was quite controlling. He doesn't appear unhappy but I just don't have a good feeling. The fb post was a red flag for me. Am I being foolish? or should I take more notice of my gut?

[TwoAndAnOnion]

Does your brother have his own income or is he financially reliant on her?

[starfishmummy]

It's his decision. You may not like it - which is fine and its OK for you not to like her, especially if you think she has been behind his decisions. However if you want to keep a relationship with your brother then you should stop listening to office gossip, keep your feelings to yourself and just be there to pick up the pieces when if he needs you to.

The son thing is awful but there may be things that you don't know about.

[Viviennemary]

There is nothing you can do. Your brother is an adult. Tell him this sorry tale about this awful woman if you like. But it probably won't make any difference. He needs to find out her true character himself.

[wildeverose]

Yeah, your brother left his job, and followed some woman across the country, with no regard for his child. He's not bothered to see him in a year.
You cannot blame any of that on his girlfriend and it has nothing to do with her past.
He's a deadbeat dad and a moron.

[BowserJr]

@ZaraW

He's only seen his son once in a year? That would be my main concern. Why are you blaming it on your brother's girlfriend?

This.

[Aquamarine1029]

I dont want to push him

I think you should, hard. How can you just sit back and let him get away with basically abandoning his child like this?

[TwoAndAnOnion]

So Bro and the woman worked at the same place at the same time, you now work there. And you think at no point did Bro hear any of the stories about this woman?

People do tend to assume domestic abuse, coercion and control is the remit of men. I - and others in our friendship group - was groomed, successfully for years by a woman - who we eventually realised was a controlling fantasist and sociopath. Your brother will be caught up in her thrall. These people are professional victims, they make others believe them, they are clever and manipulative.

[StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear]

This woman’s history shouldn’t be your concern, that should be your presumably adult brother jacking in his job without another to go to so therefore having no money of his own, no longer having contact with his son and presumably (as he has no job) not financially supporting the child. He’s shown incredibly poor judgement, that’s on him not on his girlfriend.

[Brokenpencilsarepointless]

So he quit working and moved miles from his son and now doesnt bother to see him? And since he isnt working, he wont be paying any child support so he's abandoned all his responsibilities as a parent.

I dont think she is the one you need to concerned about. Your deadbeat brother is the asshole in this situation.

[Ilovelove]

I am sorry the only bit that jumps out is what others have said - your brother has only seen his son once in a year.
He needs to wake up.

In terms of girl friend...everyone has past baggage and people are very quick to label people bunny boilers. In the past relationships with married men in her company - she has shown poor judgement . BUT in all three situations (including your brother) the men have as well. They are responsible for their responsibilities and they chose to chuck them away for a f**k.

[Grandbisou]

His poor son. Nothing would keep me away from ds, ever.
I think you need to get tough with him, this is ridiculous.
The woman sounds bad news but your brother sounds just as awful.

[Redjumper1]

Usual story where a man is useless but it is not his fault but rather some woman's fault, according to some other woman in the mans life (usually it is his Mother but this time it is his sister). The sister/mother/ whatever rings the man to talk about how terrible the gf/wife is because they noticed this or saw that or she said this or said that. That way the man can blame being useless on his gf/wife and all the women in the family are happy. They women in the family stick their nose in, every which way, the gf/wife leaves cos it is annoying and then the family say they were right all along.

The end.

[Hazel444]

Sorry to say this but it sounds like your brother and this woman (if what you have heard about is true) deserve each other. What kind of loser gives up seeing their child for someone they've just met?

[Anotheruser02]

@Redjumper1

Usual story where a man is useless but it is not his fault but rather some woman's fault, according to some other woman in the mans life (usually it is his Mother but this time it is his sister). The sister/mother/ whatever rings the man to talk about how terrible the gf/wife is because they noticed this or saw that or she said this or said that. That way the man can blame being useless on his gf/wife and all the women in the family are happy. They women in the family stick their nose in, every which way, the gf/wife leaves cos it is annoying and then the family say they were right all along.

The end.

That's life in a tidy little nutshell. Men are very special and can't do anything wrong even when they are cunts. Women should be better so when they are not adulting for their man it's a flaw in them.

Honestly I fucking hate that bunny boiler label, I'm so fucking sick to death of seeing women's mental health come into question whenever a relationship ends. Her judgement was crap, these men had the same crap judgement but they were shitting all over the people they were supposed to cherish she wasn't.
She may have been needy after the relationships, she was living away from her people and the cunts she worked with were making up shit about her for entertainment purposes, is it really that much of a mystery why she may have become too attached to the idea of these men who no doubt would have been making her feel very wanted and belonging for a short time. I think she did absolutely the right thing moving back to where she came from so she isn't so dependent on her romantic relationships. Your brother followed her that's up to him.

[Chocolatehamper]

If this was the other way around, everyone would be screaming at the woman to get out of the abusive relationship. Why is it not possible that OPs brother is in an abusive relationship? OP has said he talks to his son regularly but his girlfriend doesn't like him to see his son without her and is always too busy to make plans to see his son or his mother - classic controlling behaviour.

Those saying he should grow a pair should grow up themselves and be more responsible not keyboard warriors. Women can be just as controlling and abusive in relationships as men - some more so because men don't want to admit to being in that sort of situation.

OP, work with your brother, do what you can to encourage him to see his family, don't be swayed by her or let his relationship come between him and his son. Can you take his son to see his Dad? Now lockdown is easing, could you/would you be willing to take him and your mother to see your brother and gauge the situation for yourself.

Whatever happens, well done for looking out for your family.

[Panpastels]

I think you should be focussing on your brother's behaviour tbh, rather than her questionable history.

[SquirrelFan]

+10 points for using the correct "bear".
But I would focus on being the best auntie you can be, and hope that your brother comes to his senses.

[BananasAreEvil]

Your brother sounds like a real catch
your poor nephew...

[Dunairbeanat]

Everything chocolatehamper said.

[CovidCorvid]

He sounds like a total cock lodger. If I were her friend/sister I'd be advising her to avoid him.

[BilboBercow]

You sound like a misogynist. She's not the problem, in fact your brother is a cock lodger and a shit father.

[ClarkeGriffin]

What @Chocolatehamper said.

Everyone is being a bit daft to be honest and missing the obvious signs. This woman is a controlling bitch.

How easy is it to get away from a man that is abusive? Pretty hard isn't it? Takes some women on here years to do it. Would you tell them to grow a pair and stop being useless? Please, the next time you see a thread like that tell them exactly what you've said here.

Yes he should be seeing his son more. But we don't know what his girlfriend is saying to him behind closed doors. Threatening him, threatening to kill herself, could be anything. She is already stopping him going to see his son. We don't know how she is doing that.

He will think he is in love, like all of the women on here do. In love with someone who emotionally abuses them, financially abuses them etc. Maybe she even hits him. He wouldn't be the first.

Not being able to see that, or know that, is why men get ignored over this kind of stuff. No one should be ignored when abused.

Nothing you can do though op except be there for him when the fall out happens. Can't force an adult to see the reality.

[Muchasgracias]

OP, if you had your priorities sorted, your post would have started

“My brother moved up north to start a new relationship and hasn’t seen his son for a year...”

The rest is irrelevant. You need advice on how to help your brother see the damage he is doing by not seeing or supporting (presumably as he’s mostly out of work) his family.

[Bluedeblue]

He gave up a great job and is now reliant on her completely. It is all her family, her friends. He has only managed to get the odd casual bit of work and relies on her financially. He has only been to see his son once in over a year, saying he has no money

Wow. He sounds worse than her, tbh.

[Bimblybomeyelash]

My issue is not really that she had these affairs(always 2 sides) but that she is not honest with my brother.

She told you about the affair though. Did you expect her to say to your bro “oh I’m a complete bunny boiler”.