Page 3 | What are your teenage daughters like?

TheChosenTwo · 12/05/2021 15:33

Thanks @Wilkolampshade, we really hope so too.
And I hope you’re okay too, and all others navigating their way through teenagers.

TheChosenTwo · 12/05/2021 15:38

Thanks @Wilkolampshade, we really hope so too.
And I hope you’re okay too, and all others navigating their way through teenagers.

Catmuffin · 12/05/2021 16:16

They're fine. Nice company and quite fun. I think with any age and sex there's a wide variety of personalities rather than all being similar. I struggled with the baby and toddler stage and then we suffered a major loss of dh, but this stage is going ok, fingers crossed. Ho

Londontown12 · 12/05/2021 16:49

Awww my daughter just turned 18 !
She was exactly like this she has had therapy and she does much better for it u need to listen to her if she says she wants therapy let her have it ! She’s not a baby and it’s good she’s aware of how she is feeling .
What made my daughter worse was her boyfriend he treated her like shit and she couldn’t see it and took it all out on us !
Now they have separated I feel like I have my lovely calm daughter back again x x

Hortimulcher888 · 12/05/2021 22:52

@DrSbaitso

I'm really sorry you had such a dreadful time as a teenDrSbaitso. I don't know your circumstances and wouldn't presume to comment on them...

Then don't address me, not once but twice, if you are speaking so very generally and not attempting to comment on my situation. You have no reason to reference my post at all if you're not trying to patronise me.

If we are going to speak in "very general terms", it is very common for parents to dismiss their teens' mental health problems as nothing that matters, just normal teenage stuff, for as long as it suits them to do so (generally so that they don't have to look at how their own actions might be a contributing factor). But then the child becomes an absolute nightmare when the parent wishes to communicate how terrible the situation is for them.

I don't know what's causing this particular crisis; OP might, if she listens to her daughter, and I do mean actually listen. But it's enough that the daughter wants therapy and the mother is on here asking us if it's normal and complaining about a lack of resilience. This past year has been a terrible time to be a young person. She wants help, just get it for her.

I was not trying to patronise you @DrSbaitso I was trying to choose my words very carefully in order to to be as respectful as possible.

I wanted to relate my current experience as a mother of a teen who is very emotionally up and down ATM, which is similar to some other parents on here, that it is not unusual for a teen to be both "normal" and extremely difficult at home , both at the same time. That's my lived experience from a parent's perspective, and as someone who has suffered from depression as a result of this situation, it's a point I felt it was reasonable to make.

And that was my point. And it was a general point I was making.

Is it any less patronising of you to suggest that parents commonly "in general" don't listen to their children, when many of us on here are literally sick with worry about our teens and have made extensive efforts to listen to them and get them the support they need?

And as you have selectively quoted from my post, you've missed out the bits where I encouraged the op to keep the lines of communication, to "definitely" seek mh support for her DD, where I said it was often difficult for teens to ask for help, and then suggested organisations where support might be found.

I also pointed out how crap lockdown has been on teens and young people. It's crap for them and frankly it's crap for a lot of parents too.

littlebillie · 13/05/2021 00:00

@DrSbaitso

There has never been a generation that wasn't disparaged by previous ones as weak and wet, just as there has never been a time when feminism wasn't going too far.

If the younger generation is so rubbish, perhaps the generation that raised it should look at itself?

I totally agree, I don't think we are raising are kids well. I think we are all way too involved and trying to "fix" them all the time. I think rather than rushing off to prescribe therapy at the first time they express unhappiness we need to be saying this is part of life. Introspection is how we grow, we can't keep fixing them forever.

DrSbaitso · 13/05/2021 06:25

Is it any less patronising of you to suggest that parents commonly "in general" don't listen to their children, when many of us on here are literally sick with worry about our teens and have made extensive efforts to listen to them and get them the support they need?

Ooh. You probably think this comment is about you... 🎶

So you took that personally, did you? Even though I said I was generalising? But when you address a "general" post to me not once but twice, I'm in the wrong for taking it as a comment on my situation?

Nice double standards there. I could say more but this situation is sensitive, so I won't.

But I will say that yes, it is a very common situation with teenagers for parents to dismiss it as normal teenage angst, or the child's own personal failing, rather than question what their own role in it might have been. (And bear in mind it is often years in the making; the entire atmosphere in which they have grown up and what they have seen modelled in front of them.) And when they say they're listening listening to their kids, they're not. They think they are, but they're actually dismissing all the salient points as somehow silly, not important or just objectively not true.

Yet it becomes a real crisis when discussing the effect it has on the parent.

I have seen that loads of times. It is common.

Is this the case for you? No idea. You're offended by my saying it, that's all I know.

In this case we have an OP who thinks her daughter has no true problem and complains of her lack of resilience, but is struggling with it so much that she's on here asking if it's normal. Honestly OP, it does sound as though she would benefit from speaking to someone. Even if it's just to give her a safe, non judgemental space to discuss her feelings with someone who isn't connected to her life. That's important too and sometimes it's all they need.

Surely nobody needs to be told how shit this past year has been?

bluebluezoo · 13/05/2021 07:11

I think rather than rushing off to prescribe therapy at the first time they express unhappiness we need to be saying this is part of life. Introspection is how we grow, we can't keep fixing them forever

Well all I can say is I wish someone had rushed off to prescribe me some therapy as teen. Instead of the “it’ll be hormones”, “children are resilient”. “Children get over things” crap I heard to justify telling me to stop “sulking” and smile more.

Of course in their view those adults think they were right, I have got over it, and am perfectly fine. When in fact all I learned was to shut up, paste on a smile and pretend everything is wonderful so I don’t trouble others with my problems as they don’t want to know or care.

AreTurnipsReal · 13/05/2021 08:08

@DrSbaitso You clearly are upset about your past. Please stop projecting on other posters and derailing a really helpful discusssion on a Parents Site for Parents Perspectives.

I have a 12 year old I am finding challenging. I also have MH issues. I had therapy for ages and now have started using CBT techniques. I am work in progress. My DD experienced my divorce /separation too. It is so hard to know what is normal and what is not. It is so difficult for me to guide her and manage her and discipline her and be empathetic all at the same time. I have set up some school counselling for her and a parenting course for myself. I am terrified of the next few years as hormones go wild. I did not have a mother when I was her age (she died) so I do not know what is normal and what is not either!

Thehawki · 13/05/2021 08:15

I’m glad you’re getting her therapy OP. She’s probably labelled herself all these things because she’s trying to find a reason for her being so depressed/anxious. She might well be sick, that doesn’t mean she’s sick forever. It’s been a really hard year for everyone. Encourage the therapy with her, I’m sure she’ll go eventually. She’s telling you she needs help and I’m glad you’re getting it for her x

DrSbaitso · 13/05/2021 08:32

You clearly are upset about your past.

I am indeed. Well done.

However, if you could put aside your own projections, you would see that what I'm saying is indeed helpful for parents as I am bringing what you all apparently want: the other perspective, from the child who was subjected to attitudes that have been displayed on here, and what you might do about it. You do want to know that, right?

I did say that parents often don't want to accept it, didn't I?

If you just want a place to vent, that's one thing. If you do want to do something to help your kids though, listen to them. No, really listen to them. Don't find reasons why they are wrong to feel what they feel. Don't berate their lack of resilience (teenagers are not known for their emotional maturity and strength and this last year has been exceptionally shit). Have an honest look at why they have this perspective. And remember that in years in years to come, when they see history repeating itself elsewhere, they might find other parents again telling them how wrong they they about everything.

This girl has asked for therapy. It's clearly a problem because OP is struggling. Find her a counsellor as best you can, why wouldn't you? And listen, really listen, to her. Because parents often think they are, but they're not.

And if that offends people, well, it just kind of proves what I've been saying.

TottiePlantagenet · 13/05/2021 08:33

Personally I'm definitely guilty of trying to "fix things", it's my problem-solving approach to life. Obviously it doesn't work on people all the time.

We have 2 teens, both currently seeing therapists. Eating disorders and ASD led us to this current situation and there is no way that they or us parents can navigate the emotional turmoil without professional support. We've had a mix of CAMHS and private help and have been lucky to be able to afford that and find good therapists (very aware of the over stretched NHS and its inability to support everyone, lots of guilt there).

As a teenager back in the day, I think I too would have benefitted from some therapy because it would have made me feel less impotent against the problems I had in my life (much of which my parents couldn't help me with and have had lasting effects on me). It would have helped perhaps to have someone impartial to talk to, who could have been "on my side", to bring a broader perspective.

OP I'm glad that you're investigating some help for your daughter. to everyone who is struggling.

Pedalpushers · 13/05/2021 08:41

@bluebluezoo

I think rather than rushing off to prescribe therapy at the first time they express unhappiness we need to be saying this is part of life. Introspection is how we grow, we can't keep fixing them forever

Well all I can say is I wish someone had rushed off to prescribe me some therapy as teen. Instead of the “it’ll be hormones”, “children are resilient”. “Children get over things” crap I heard to justify telling me to stop “sulking” and smile more.

Of course in their view those adults think they were right, I have got over it, and am perfectly fine. When in fact all I learned was to shut up, paste on a smile and pretend everything is wonderful so I don’t trouble others with my problems as they don’t want to know or care.

Indeed. My misery was dismissed (and punished) as a teenager when it was just the start of crippling mental health problems I have suffered with my whole life, way before 'this generation' became a thing. Who knows how my life could have gone if my parents had bothered to listen to me. Just because previous generations had to suffer and suck it up doesn't make that the better way.

Annabellerina · 13/05/2021 08:42

Two things - I labelled myself bipolar as a teen, I was incredibly moody and angsty and I was a shit to my mum. But I'm now in my 30s and the most cheerful, reliable and resilient person I know.

Secondly, even though I am resilient, I have no idea why, or how I could possibly teach resilience to my kids if it doesn't come naturally to them. I have two kids, one struggles with life and complains about everything, the other is exactly like me, these things are part of them from birth and no matter what I as a parent do, I can't change their character. So I've stopped blaming myself. I can only model the behaviours I value and leave the rest to them.

TottiePlantagenet · 13/05/2021 08:43

I meant to say also, all our issues initially presented with tears, shouting, grumpiness, but until the crisis point was reached we too thought it was "just normal" teenage-ness. We had no other parenting experience to compare with (talking with friends made our situation seem normal). It won't be the same for everyone obviously.

Had we missed signs? Probably. But then we're not trained professionals who would know what signs to look for

merrygoround88 · 13/05/2021 08:51

My almost 13 yo DD is very difficult, can be very rude and hormonal and we are addressing the rudeness
However at 17, I think you have to look at it differently. It’s not puberty related , it’s a potentially longer term issue so for that reason I would he getting her help

TheSandgroper · 13/05/2021 08:56

I’m in West Australia so our COVID experience has been very different to the rest of the world but miss mid-teen is like an umbrella. Mostly she is furled up neatish, sometimes she shelters me from the rain and sometimes she is blowing inside out.

Hortimulcher888 · 13/05/2021 09:00

@DrSbaitso

Is it any less patronising of you to suggest that parents commonly "in general" don't listen to their children, when many of us on here are literally sick with worry about our teens and have made extensive efforts to listen to them and get them the support they need?

Ooh. You probably think this comment is about you... 🎶

So you took that personally, did you? Even though I said I was generalising? But when you address a "general" post to me not once but twice, I'm in the wrong for taking it as a comment on my situation?

Nice double standards there. I could say more but this situation is sensitive, so I won't.

But I will say that yes, it is a very common situation with teenagers for parents to dismiss it as normal teenage angst, or the child's own personal failing, rather than question what their own role in it might have been. (And bear in mind it is often years in the making; the entire atmosphere in which they have grown up and what they have seen modelled in front of them.) And when they say they're listening listening to their kids, they're not. They think they are, but they're actually dismissing all the salient points as somehow silly, not important or just objectively not true.

Yet it becomes a real crisis when discussing the effect it has on the parent.

I have seen that loads of times. It is common.

Is this the case for you? No idea. You're offended by my saying it, that's all I know.

In this case we have an OP who thinks her daughter has no true problem and complains of her lack of resilience, but is struggling with it so much that she's on here asking if it's normal. Honestly OP, it does sound as though she would benefit from speaking to someone. Even if it's just to give her a safe, non judgemental space to discuss her feelings with someone who isn't connected to her life. That's important too and sometimes it's all they need.

Surely nobody needs to be told how shit this past year has been?

DrSbaitso. I have enough arguments at home ATM so I've no wish for a childish back and forth debate on here too.

I tried to answer you politely.

And you have totally missed my point (and my quote marks) about it apparently being ok for one of us to generalise but not the other , and confusingly adopted it as your own.

And no I didn't think the comment was specifically about me because , as I said down thread, I did get my DD some counselling which she stopped going to after three or four sessions. I also urged the op to get DD mh support. So I'm not sure why you say I have double standards when I am agreeing with you!

There will inevitably be teens who could have done with some mh support who don't receive it, and those who do need it and do receive it, but who are non compliant. And as it's sometimes difficult for teachers, parents and even professionals on occasion to tell the difference between "normal" teen ups and downs and serious emotional mh upset that needs help, I agree it's best to err on the side of caution.

At a stage of development when , many adolescents have insecurities, brain plasticity, peer pressure, school pressure , pressure from sm, pressure from parents, to contend with, some definitely will need extra mental health support and some won't and sometimes it's far from easy to tell which do and which don't. There isn't a "one size fits all" solution. Many parents just muddle through, doing the best they can in a confusing situation, and they don't always deserve blame for that. As I said before , it can be a difficult situation for both teens and parents.

Krook · 13/05/2021 09:03

@MadelaineMaxwell so sorry you're going through this with your DD. I have been there. Please consider joining a private FB group called Parenting Mental Health, if you haven't already. It's such a great source of support and advice.

PiccalilliChilli · 13/05/2021 09:06

I'm glad you are sorting out some therapy for your DD. I think sometimes it helps to speak to someone from outside who doesn't carry the emotions of a friend, parent or relative.

My DD is 14. She was a horror between 10-12 but apart from the occasional hormonal strop she's ok now. She is introverted like me and shy, and there might be some issues with image and confidence but we talk about it. Our school has access to a counsellor so if she does get overwhelmed some initial mental health first aid is available.

DrSbaitso · 13/05/2021 09:25

I have enough arguments at home ATM so I've no wish for a childish back and forth debate on here too

Clearly you have. Why do people start with "I don't want a back and forth" right before going into a lengthy argument? I am sure you will let me have the last word, then. Wouldn't want to be childish, would you?

I'm afraid it doesn't wash to respond to a post that makes it clear it is directed at an individual, but simply deny it. You expected me to accept your claim that you were speaking generally, but you didn't accept the same from me. You can deny it, doesn't make it true.

Many parents just muddle through, doing the best they can in a confusing situation, and they don't always deserve blame for that. As I said before , it can be a difficult situation for both teensandparents.

Stop with the "always". Stop attempting to make out that I have said things that I haven't.

It is very common for parents to dismiss their children's MH problems as normal teenage angst, when the alternative is a painful spotlight on what might be causing it, but make the impact on themselves a real issue. I am surprised that so few people seemed to realise the cognitive dissonance in the OP whereby she described her daughter as normal while asking us if she is normal. But like I said, it is common for parents to want to dismiss teenagers' angst, and also those who highlight it. It's painful and difficult. I get it.

But it's common. Several posters are displaying it now. Parents often do think they're listening, but aren't. They'll always have some reason why the kid doesn't have a right to these feelings. It can be hard to take your child seriously, I guess. They're very young and you're used to looking after them. Plus what they're saying can hurt a lot. But it's real to them.

Why do so many people expect more emotional maturity and resilience from a teenager than tgey would from a grown adult?

Now if this truly isn't you (generic you, reader), then obviously I'm not referring to you. But it's common. So if the idea offends you so much, it might be worth thinking about why.

And if nothing else, you don't want your child growing up to be like me, do you?

littlebillie · 13/05/2021 09:35

@Coldwine75

So.....mine (17) is lovely one day, horrible the next.....at the moment very very tearful, thinks she has all sorts of mental issues and wants therapy like her friends have (her words). I don't see any mental issues just a normal, hormonal teen. She can be quite nasty sometimes and say hurtful things, she says she wants to move out as hates it here, hates our house decoration and nothing goes , hates people apparently and wants to be on her own.

I am having to drag her out of bed for 6th form and get her off in the mornings, she is miserable and im having to take deep breaths constantly She was always quite a 'high spirited' child but not too bad as a teen until the last few months, I know lockdown and all that stuff hasnt been easy. Her brother was never like this but i know girls are more emotional.

Please tell me i am not the only one scraping through each day with her.......one day she will be lovely again, she was a lovely girl a few years ago.

Looking for anyone out there in same boat or can help / sympathise I guess :(

This is normal teenage behaviour, they are growing up and it's not fun. I remember being the same at this age you have worried about the future, adulthood, friends, social life etc.

I talk to my DC a lot, we often don't agree but that fine. They are finding their world view and it may be different to mine. But angst, insecurity and sometimes sadness are part of the growing up process. Letting them find their way builds resilience

Hortimulcher888 · 13/05/2021 09:56

DrSbaitso

I don't want to engage in a point-scoring childish back and forth debate but I do have a right to express my opinion just as you have done.

I don't know how saying . "But if I may speak in very general terms, from my current individual perspective as the mother of teen" you can get any more "general" actually.

And when I say Many parents just muddle through, doing the best they can in a confusing situation, and they don't always* deserve blame for that." I am saying that some do and some don't, but again you have, wilfully or otherwise, misunderstood.

I am surprised that so few people seemed to realise the cognitive dissonance in the OP whereby she described her daughter as normal while asking us if she is normal.

Why would the op start a thread in the first place asking this if she wasn't worried and concerned about her daughter?

It's a very common question on the Teenagers board on here, you see it all the time, "when do I know if this is "normal" teen emotional highs and lows, or when is a more serious issue?" Parents stress about this all the time.

Why do so many people expect more emotional maturity and resilience from a teenager than tgey would from a grown adult?

Again, if you read the threads in here, there are parents all over the nation walking on eggshells, putting up with a lot of really challenging and disrespectful behaviour from teens, day after day, precisely because they are understanding of what a crap and difficult time their DC are going through.

It's crap for all concerned.

KurtWilde · 13/05/2021 09:58

My parents dismissed my MH issues at 15 and I went on to have a nervous breakdown at 17 at which time my DM had to get an out of hours doctor visit who suggested I needed antidepressants and possibly counselling. After that episode I made my own appointments to see GP about medication and counselling. Your DD is 17 and could do the same, she's old enough not to need your permission or involvement. Just please don't downplay what she's saying to you. You could suggest that if she feels she has MH issues, she could speak with the GP as a first step and that you won't be involved if she'd rather you weren't.

DrSbaitso · 13/05/2021 11:48

@Hortimulcher888