What are your teenage daughters like?

[Coldwine75]

So.....mine (17) is lovely one day, horrible the next.....at the moment very very tearful, thinks she has all sorts of mental issues and wants therapy like her friends have (her words). I don't see any mental issues just a normal, hormonal teen. She can be quite nasty sometimes and say hurtful things, she says she wants to move out as hates it here, hates our house decoration and nothing goes , hates people apparently and wants to be on her own.

I am having to drag her out of bed for 6th form and get her off in the mornings, she is miserable and im having to take deep breaths constantly She was always quite a 'high spirited' child but not too bad as a teen until the last few months, I know lockdown and all that stuff hasnt been easy. Her brother was never like this but i know girls are more emotional.

Please tell me i am not the only one scraping through each day with her.......one day she will be lovely again, she was a lovely girl a few years ago.

Looking for anyone out there in same boat or can help / sympathise I guess :(

school counsellor is a good start - I think we underestimate how shit lockdown has been on our kids - no fun, no driving lessons, no night in/out with mates, no prom, no leaving do, no school - it's exhausting for them

I have 3 - 2 teens on almost teen - they are stroppy, moody doorslammy, hairtossy little divas - also smart, funny, opinionated, strong, argumentative, ambitious!

They all have their struggles with anxiety and stress - DD1 has awful moods - bad mood swings, DD2 is a crier and gets quiet down at times, DD3 is one for small explosive moments rather than long drawn out drama - it's exhausting but they grow up eventually.

If her mental health is suffering - support her.

DD is 14 and quite easygoing. She has some moments of stroppiness.

She never tantrumed as a child and has managed puberty like a pro so far.

I'm waiting for that to change.

Your DD does sound like she needs some extra support.

DD17 is quite stable really, we've had no tantrums - but she's quite unforgiving and cutting to her brothers at times.

However, this last 18 months has been pretty rubbish for her year - they should have been out experiencing the first freedoms of adulthood, but have been stuck in lockdown, missing university open days, lots haven't been able to have weekend jobs etc.

Lots of DD's friends have really struggled, and have reached out for help, both academically and emotionally.

I think you need to bear in mind "normal" teenage behaviours, and then "Covid-normal" behaviours as well.

As others have said though - if she's asking for help, I would do whatever i could to provide it.

If she goes twice and it's pointless (because she doesn't really need it), then nothing is lost.

But if it helps...

One is 17 and quite happy go lucky with an occasional stroppy moment but she gets over it quickly and moves on.
The other is 16, took an overdose at 14 and has struggled ever since it was on our radar.
Some days I wonder what it is that we’ve done to have such an unhappy girl. CAHMS basically did the assessment in hospital and told us to go and find help elsewhere. Our GP suggested we try talking to our daughter We have sought private therapy since. She’s still very up and down. Dh and I have no idea day to day whether it’s your typical teen angst, the stress of life combined with extreme hormonal fluctuations, or more than that but she’s now keeping up with her appointments with her counsellor. Initially she was seeing someone in school but after the first session when she was feeling in a more positive mood she said she didn’t need to talk to someone as she was fine so they closed her file and didn’t invite her to any more sessions. When it flared up again we then arranged our own therapist. She doesn’t talk much about what they discuss, they obviously don’t tell us what’s been discussed. It’s private. Obviously I wish I knew but unless dd tells us, the ball is very much in her court.
When we notice she’s feeling particularly low we make an extra effort to spend time with her. Even if it’s just in her room with her. She likes company. She’s not one to tell us she hates us, or slam doors, or tell us we’re shit parents, she’s just so sad.
I’m glad you’re finding help for her. When they ask, it’s so important to listen. I wish my mum had paid more attention to my mental health when I was younger.
It’s permanently desperately heartbreaking, exhausting and terrifying. I’m constantly worried about her to be honest. I worry that she’s going to be an adult who can’t cope with life. I know adults now who just struggle with everything and as awful as that sounds (because I know they’re nice people) they are terrible as colleagues because you can’t count on them. I desperately don’t want my dd to be thought of as deadweight.
She’s not always down, hence me wondering how much of it ties in with her hormones, at times she can be really cheerful and engages so much in family life. She’s very up and down. But even when she’s up I’m bracing myself for the down again, spotting the warning signs.
Life with teenagers is never boring!

It isnt boring for sure....dd was happier today and her fave pizza did the trick. She does think she has all sorts of conditions though, DID? personality disorder, anxiety the lot. I said ok lets sort out therapy to which she looked panicked and said she doesnt like talking..... i am trying to be open minded and at least try therapy.....

My DD is similar. Worried she has bi-polar, suffers from anxiety.
Not rude to me as such but not very warm like. Seems cold hearted.
Currently self harming, in therapy and about to leave school this month. She will have 3 months doing nothing then go onto college to do a 2 year course in something she doesn't want to do.

I'd have a look at what she's looking at online. The reason I say this is I know someone's child who was heavily influenced by an online chat room where everyone thought they had MPD/DID.

I asked her if she is looking up lots online she says no but I know she has done online quizzes for mental conditions before. Convinced she has MPD /DID/ anxiety, she says she has had low mood for 2 weeks or more, exactly what it says online about depression. I worry she is being influenced?

@MondeoFan

My DD is similar. Worried she has bi-polar, suffers from anxiety. Not rude to me as such but not very warm like. Seems cold hearted. Currently self harming, in therapy and about to leave school this month. She will have 3 months doing nothing then go onto college to do a 2 year course in something she doesn't want to do.

Im sorry she is self harming , that's difficult , hope she , and you will be ok x

Her brother was never like this but i know girls are more emotional

Nope. Don’t ignore her problems by blaming them on a stereotype of gender.

Have you thought she’s maybe more emotional because she has mental health issues or real worries, rather than because she has a vagina?

I had real issues as a teen, including an eating disorder. I never got any help because my mum put it all down to “girls hormones” and me being a horrible sulky moody girl.

I dont know, i meant i have not dealt with this before in her brother. I dont think she has issues but as said, am keeping an open mind and pursuing therapy.

Mine was not very nice around that age either. She spoke to us mainly in a kind of clipped pursed lipped manner and was extremely lazy and entitled. She left piles and piles of dirty clothes outside her bedroom door as well as plates and cups and then was really nasty when we asked her to sort them out. I found it really hard and quite upsetting actually.
I discovered the key was not to get dragged into her drama and to walk away when she was nasty (very hard) that way, rather than a row, she had to take ownership for her comments which seemed to work well.
She is 19 now and at university bit living at home. She is so much better but still a bit annoying.
In fact I was just in the shower and couldn't condition my hair as she has helped herself once again 🙄 I asked her not to do it and was told "wow!" Whatever that means 😂

Dont get me started on the piles of clothes on the bedroom floor and all the plates and cups................

My dd changed from a rational being into someone unrecognisable at 13 she is now 15 and has settled somewhat. She can hold a decent conversation rather than just using sarcasm for the most part but can still be highly emotional at times. I did get support for her at 13 as she really was struggling (as were we) it got worse before it got better. She is still challenging in the mornings and if she’s in a bad mood but otherwise I’m enjoying her more settled behaviour. I can’t pin point what changed, we have put it down to hormones. I hope things improve for you quickly!

My 13 year old daughter sounds similar. She’s waiting for a proper assessment and treatment for her mental health difficulties but the service is stretched more than ever before.

Your daughter is 17 so nearly an adult. If she feels like she needs counselling or therapy due to her low mood (which it sounds like she’s got and maybe other issues) then I think you should do what you can to get that for her. Unless you can afford to pay for it expect a pretty long wait.

My just turned 16 year old has her moments for sure, but is generally loving and is a stickler for rules. She is in her gcse year and hates school at the moment, but as the pressure is non stop with constant assessments that does seem normal. She is a top set student and works very hard to be there. She is a bit of a hermit though, and has no interest in boys or make up and so on. Quite a good group of four or five friends who are similar but more social.
I'd be worried if she seemed unhappy, was secretive or had a flat affect. And if She asked to see a counsellor I'd definitely facilitate that!
Thing is, teenage brains are not fully developed. They process things differently. I would take any request for help seriously, as there may be a lot going on under the surface. Being able to talk to someone outside of the family, even about things that seem fairly mundane to you, might be just what did needs.

I am worried about this generation, where is the resilience? I am often completely confused by the blame culture, blaming everything from their parents to social media. At what point did we allow our young people to become "victims"

There seems to be v little resilience I agree.

There has never been a generation that wasn't disparaged by previous ones as weak and wet, just as there has never been a time when feminism wasn't going too far.

If the younger generation is so rubbish, perhaps the generation that raised it should look at itself?

My children are very resilient

Something goes wrong they pick themselves back up and persevere, two of them are also incredibly brave

Any mental health issues they struggle with have nothing to do with resilience or lack thereof

I'm really sorry you had such a dreadful time as a teenDrSbaitso. I don't know your circumstances and wouldn't presume to comment on them...

Then don't address me, not once but twice, if you are speaking so very generally and not attempting to comment on my situation. You have no reason to reference my post at all if you're not trying to patronise me.

If we are going to speak in "very general terms", it is very common for parents to dismiss their teens' mental health problems as nothing that matters, just normal teenage stuff, for as long as it suits them to do so (generally so that they don't have to look at how their own actions might be a contributing factor). But then the child becomes an absolute nightmare when the parent wishes to communicate how terrible the situation is for them.

I don't know what's causing this particular crisis; OP might, if she listens to her daughter, and I do mean actually listen. But it's enough that the daughter wants therapy and the mother is on here asking us if it's normal and complaining about a lack of resilience. This past year has been a terrible time to be a young person. She wants help, just get it for her.

@Coldwine75

There seems to be v little resilience I agree.

I actually think that the huge stress and pressure that our teens have gone through over the last year will lead to a generation of very resilient adults.

However, at present, some of them may need our support. If they ask for help, it's important that we listen. You don't immediately "become" resilient (though some people are naturally more that way inclined).

And certainly, asking for help or therapy is not a sign that they aren't resilient, or that they are weak in some way.

Struggling on alone when unable to cope, hiding one's feelings and turning them in on oneself is far more likely to be damaging in the long term.

There seems to be v little resilience I agree

Define resilience in this situation.

Is it hiding everything, smiling and pretending you’re OK so other people don’t think you’re weak or “emotional”?

Or is it recognising you need help and asking for it, whether that’s professional help or simply friends or a parent to unload on or talk things over with?

Are people with mental illness such as depression or PND just not resilient enough? They should just get in with things and stop being a victim?

@TheChosenTwo your post rings all sorts of bells for me. for you. There are many of us out there staring at the ceiling in the dark at 3a.m just hoping and hoping things will turn out OK. Hope things get better soon.

My DD is not like this, I'd say we've had it pretty easy , ofcourse at times there has been the teenage attitude and silly mistakes but overall she is lovely.

It sounds like your DD does need support.