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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another destination wedding thread.

72 replies

Weddingchange321 · 11/05/2021 01:25

A family member is getting married this autumn abroad. The flights didn’t seem too bad and we thought we could potentially make it into a mini trip either side.

However, they’re getting married at a hotel and part of the package that the rooms have to be filled. Now we’ve been told that pricing is per person not room.

My DH wants to just sacrifice his flight as it’s less than the price increase with the accommodation. He also doesn’t know anyone else going apart from my parents.

AIBU to presume that you pay for the cost of the room you’re staying in?

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 11/05/2021 10:26

Why should you subsidise the single people. You are only using one room.

KarmaStar · 11/05/2021 10:27

It's completely ruined your plans to have a holiday either side as you said.
In order to have that holiday iI'df book somewhere cheaper for the two of you.

ThatIsMyPotato · 11/05/2021 10:28

@crosspelican

Hi Bride,

I'm terribly sorry, but money is very tight this year, and when we costed the wedding using the villa's website prices as our guide, and saw that the price was £400 for the three nights, we could just about make it. Increasing it to £600 is out of our financial reach I'm afraid. We just can't manage it this year - we had to make a lot of sacrifices as it was to get the flights.

We love you so much and will be with you in spirit on the big day! If there's anything I can do to help you from this end, please do say.

I'm reall sorry to make this about money, really I am, but we just can't afford it any more.

love,
NotAMug.

This is perfect. Maybe someone else will subsidise you OP!
Exhausted4ever · 11/05/2021 10:30

Just say you can't afford it

justchecking1 · 11/05/2021 10:35

I'm not sure here, I think it's slightly different if it's a villa. If my family booked a villa that slept 8, for example, then I'd expect to pay 1/8th of the cost per person, or near as dammit. Maybe a slight reduction for sharing a room vs having a room to myself if I was sharing with people I didn't know, eg if it were a hen do, but not if I was sharing with DH.

If it were a hotel then I'd definitely expect to pay per room

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/05/2021 10:37

@crosspelican

Hi Bride,

I'm terribly sorry, but money is very tight this year, and when we costed the wedding using the villa's website prices as our guide, and saw that the price was £400 for the three nights, we could just about make it. Increasing it to £600 is out of our financial reach I'm afraid. We just can't manage it this year - we had to make a lot of sacrifices as it was to get the flights.

We love you so much and will be with you in spirit on the big day! If there's anything I can do to help you from this end, please do say.

I'm reall sorry to make this about money, really I am, but we just can't afford it any more.

love,
NotAMug.

This is perfect.
milveycrohn · 11/05/2021 10:37

Unless you are the mother of the bride or groom, I would never go to a destination wedding. The only exception is, if either the bride or groom came from the destination town, then I would go if immediate family.
I always thought the whole point of destination weddings was to limit the number of guests. Otherwise, why not marry at home, and have the honeymoon at the destination.
So, I would decline, say you cannot afford it, etc

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/05/2021 10:55

I had a destination wedding.

The message we sent out was "we are getting married in x, feel free to come along if you fancy a holiday, we will be there between these dates and are staying at x (cheap 2 star) hotel if you fancy it. We are fine if it ends up being just the two of us so no pressure to join us if you don't fancy it".

We had about 25 friends and family, some stayed with us, some stayed elsewhere, a few travelled around the region and joined us for a few days only etc.

I think its cheeky to expect people to attend a destination wedding and get offended when they dont attend and also have expectations about what they do or where they go or stay and how they spend their time on their annual holiday.

I dont really get the issue some people have with a 'fake wedding' if the legal bit is done elsewhere though. The couple are asking you to celebrate them getting married, witnessing the signatures and ensuring the legality is not normally the main part of that. If I attend someones birthday party but it's a few weeks after their actual birthday date I dont refuse to attend because it's a 'fake' birthday. If I was celebrating someone passing their driving test I wouldn't refuse to attend because I didn't see them in the car. If I was attending an engagement party I wouldn't refuse to attend because I didn't witness a proposal, or refuse a meal to celebrate someones new job because I didnt see them sign the contract etc...

SwimBaby · 11/05/2021 11:01

I think I’d still go there the wedding but not get involved at all with the villa accommodation.

MoreAloneTime · 11/05/2021 11:10

I'd bow out as I can imagine it getting worse if more people drop out.

MsHedgehog · 11/05/2021 11:11

Hmm I disagree that the bride and groom have a special deal for filling out rooms. That’s not necessarily the case.

We had to do this for our wedding, it was one of the conditions of booking at the hotel. We certainly didn’t get any sort of offer or discount and if the rooms weren’t filled up, we would be liable for the cost of the empty rooms (which we accepted as a risk when we booked)

Justmuddlingalong · 11/05/2021 11:17

You won't be the only ones having this conversation. The prices will only rise as more drop out, so do it sooner rather than later.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/05/2021 11:27

And I dont think there is anything wrong with (if you still want to go) saying its now outside your budget but youd still like to attend and will stay nearby somewhere cheaper.

iknowimcoming · 11/05/2021 11:28

Can you come up with another reason to stay somewhere else? We went to a family wedding abroad and stayed at a different hotel to everyone else as we are very anti-social (on holiday) and were honest about not wanting to spend a week with a large group of people, who we mostly didn't know well. Honesty is the best policy here I think, if you can't afford it, say so.

theemmadilemma · 11/05/2021 11:30

Agree, when this shit starts it's usually the tip of the iceberg and you'll get stung for more and more.

FromHereToModernity · 11/05/2021 11:46

@theemmadilemma

Agree, when this shit starts it's usually the tip of the iceberg and you'll get stung for more and more.
Yes, lunches, dinners and parties and events and trips out all need to be factored in to budgets. Although I expect you'll be told about them quite late on.

And you won't be able to sit there enjoying your local boutique bread and cheese - you'll be pressured to Join In (and chip in for the Happy Couple) with a wedding themed treasure hunt ending in a banquet meal at a restaurant that was once shown in the background of a James Bond film in the 1980s and charges a bloody fortune for shit crabs legs and some limp molluscs.

theemmadilemma · 11/05/2021 11:51

@FromHereToModernity Exactly what I was I was thinking!

Original poster
Weddingchange321 · 11/05/2021 11:54

@iknowimcoming

Can you come up with another reason to stay somewhere else?

The thing is as it’s been organised for quite a while we’d just accepted that that was going to be our trip.

The original £400 wasn’t too bad and we accepted it on the basis that we’d probably spend more money on having taxi’s (it’s out in the middle of nowhere) and just for connivence.

The fact we’re subsidising essentially other guests (who we don’t know) has pissed me off. The rest of the wedding seems planned to the T with the B&G doing somewhat of a traditional wedding abroad.

OP posts:
Brindisi32 · 11/05/2021 11:59

It's cheeky. If they really want people to go then they'll be happy if you find somewhere else to stay -without rip off prices-.

WarwickHunt · 11/05/2021 12:00

I dont really get the issue some people have with a 'fake wedding' if the legal bit is done elsewhere though. The couple are asking you to celebrate them getting married, witnessing the signatures and ensuring the legality is not normally the main part of that. If I attend someones birthday party but it's a few weeks after their actual birthday date I dont refuse to attend because it's a 'fake' birthday. If I was celebrating someone passing their driving test I wouldn't refuse to attend because I didn't see them in the car. If I was attending an engagement party I wouldn't refuse to attend because I didn't witness a proposal, or refuse a meal to celebrate someones new job because I didnt see them sign the contract etc...

I'd agree if it they were just having a celebration of their wedding after the event, ie a big party. It's the re-enactment of the ceremony which is bizarre. It would be like going to a christening and the mother pretending to give birth, or a housewarming party and someone pretending to be a solicitor and explaining all the paperwork to the new owners before they sign the contract Grin

Acrasia · 11/05/2021 12:13

Was the original £400 based on everyone being invited accepting, and now that they know how many people are coming they have just split the cost among the actual attendees? So if your husband pulls out, will the cost per person increase again?

I have no problem with destination weddings (living abroad means I have to travel anyway) but quoting one price that people budget for and then suddenly upping it considerably after people have already committed is pretty shit.

Naunet · 11/05/2021 12:16

The thing is as it’s been organised for quite a while we’d just accepted that that was going to be our trip

Doesn’t matter, the price has gone up so that changes things. The bride and groom should be covering the extra cost, not expecting their guests to substitute them, especially when they’re already paying for flights etc. It’s so bloody entitled!

Just tell them that with the price change, you can no longer afford it so will stay somewhere else. They have no right to dictate how YOU spend YOUR money.

minniemomo · 11/05/2021 12:17

Does it include food? If so per person pricing is more common so the single room would be 2/3 of the double room typically. But it implies it's not a hotel but splitting the cost of a villa, to be honest I would think it was right to split between the adults rather than charge someone double in that circumstance, it's what we do

Clymene · 11/05/2021 12:20

[quote Weddingchange321]@iknowimcoming

Can you come up with another reason to stay somewhere else?

The thing is as it’s been organised for quite a while we’d just accepted that that was going to be our trip.

The original £400 wasn’t too bad and we accepted it on the basis that we’d probably spend more money on having taxi’s (it’s out in the middle of nowhere) and just for connivence.

The fact we’re subsidising essentially other guests (who we don’t know) has pissed me off. The rest of the wedding seems planned to the T with the B&G doing somewhat of a traditional wedding abroad.[/quote]
They've moved the goalposts. £600 for 3 nights in a villa is outrageous. I mean it would be okay if it were your own villa but sharing with other people you don't know? No thanks.

Dizzy1234 · 11/05/2021 12:23

I'd decline the whole invitation, just say you can't afford it.
Destination weddings are lovely for the bride and groom but a financial burden on the guests.
I attended one, cost an absolute fortune, arrived to find out it was a fake wedding, they planned a registry office wedding for when they got back, 2 years later and they still haven't got married. 🙄