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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CMS are shit. How do I prove my children are at home 5 nights?

106 replies

Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 11:22

Ex has said he has shared care of kids, he claims he has them 3 nights. He does not he has them 1/2. This has drastically reduced maintenance.
I appealed and they said I have not proved that they are at home so many nights. How the fucking he'll do I prove they stay at home at least 5 nights? Send pics of them in their beds?!
I have to appeal at tribunal, please advise what you'd do??

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/05/2021 11:23

Christ I’ve no idea but just wanted to sympathise.

How shitting some men are, lying to avoid paying for their kids. And how shitty the system is to put the onus on you!

DrSbaitso · 10/05/2021 11:29

Urgh. Can the school confirm you're on the school run those days, or do you have a homework/reading diary that you signed to prove they were with you? Date stamped photos/photos with dated metadata?

Sorry if these are stupid suggestions for whatever reason, I don't have experience of this but I'm trying to help.

PinkMice · 10/05/2021 11:31

Ask them what they accept as proof.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/05/2021 11:31

First remind them that he should also have to prove his version of events and that they need to tell you precisely what evidence they will accept.

Specifics, not woolly statement.

Ask them. By phone, text, email, Twitter anything and everything you can think of.

Because at the moment they are taking his word for it, they reduced maintenance based in his word. Everyday sexism, misogyny etc etc. Did they follow their own rules?

www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/shared-care-child-maintenance-cases

Meantime start a diary of days/nights he has them. Backdate it for a month or so, as far as you can be accurate.

And best of luck proving he is lying!

Throw everything at them!

Iquitit · 10/05/2021 11:34

Could you ask them what they constitute as proof?
You could go ahead and get all sorts of evidence and then find out that it's not the right type or something, which would be awful.
Annoys the hell out of me that you have to prove they're at home and he doesn't have to prove they're at his, just because he said so. Bloody ridiculous.
Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 11:36

Thanks so much for the replies. I will ask what they accept as proof.
What makes it worse is that they are both in high school, he has made them record a video saying they stay 3 nights, they've done it to keep him happy. I hate him with a passion for doing this.
CMS suggested a court order but I don't want to do this as the kids are fully aware and it's even more aggro

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/05/2021 11:56

What makes it worse is that they are both in high school, he has made them record a video saying they stay 3 nights, they've done it to keep him happy. Have you explained to them the outcome of this? Are they old/mature enough to see that the resulting penny pinching you are going to have to do is down their having been pressurised into this?

When they realise what they inadvertantly did they will probably be very angry with him.

Basically, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and I suspect you are going to have to risk the anger of your kids by telling them the reality of the financial changes that have happened. And yes, show your anger at him... hiding the negative outcome from them, struggling on to manage without them feeling the pinch, just reinforces his being in the right!

They are old enough to grasp this! And he is a total fucker to have done this to you all!

Pleaseaddcaffine · 10/05/2021 11:59

We had this but from. Other side exw says no overnight and we have them eow and half school hols plus one overnight a week. Cms wanted proof and we sent the emails agreeing the contact diary but they rejected it as not sufficnet.
God knows what they need bloody useless. Seemed to imply a court order but is an agreed arrangement outside of court following mediation.
I loathe Cms they are useless on every count.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/05/2021 12:03

How awful that he’s made the kids record a video to do themselves out of money. What a bastard!

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 12:05

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

How awful that he’s made the kids record a video to do themselves out of money. What a bastard!
That is awful! I am usually one for keeping the children unaware of the issues between adults but it might be worth telling them that if they lie it will affect your income and what you can afford to buy them.
Original poster
Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 12:05

I have attempted to explain about the money but because he is rolling in it he plays super dad and buys them anything they want. They don't understand that he isn't contributing to their basic needs and it's hard to get them to care because they get what they want.

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 12:06

Sorry meant to quote the OP

JackANackAnoreeee · 10/05/2021 12:07

Oh my god OP I have nothing to add of use but your ex is an utter shit.

Original poster
Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 12:07

He works on Saturdays when he claims he has my son in particular but it's me that takes him to his football matches each week so he stays at home on a Friday night? How do I prove that?

OP posts:
Inaquandry19 · 10/05/2021 12:09

Do you have any texts/emails re arrangements?

Original poster
Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 12:11

No because he just arranges it through them.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/05/2021 12:11

@Mumof3almost4

I have attempted to explain about the money but because he is rolling in it he plays super dad and buys them anything they want. They don't understand that he isn't contributing to their basic needs and it's hard to get them to care because they get what they want.
Then you may have to play a longer game.

The basics - socks, underpants etc. Things they need not things they want! That is what he has removed...

They really are old enough to start to understand. But you are going to have to be honest with them, not put yourself under enormous stress trying to make it all right for them! Let them feel the difference!

And yes, I know that sounds like making your kids suffer, or that they are part of your probem. But that is the situation he has manufactured! You have to find a real life solution to it!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/05/2021 12:13

@Mumof3almost4

He works on Saturdays when he claims he has my son in particular but it's me that takes him to his football matches each week so he stays at home on a Friday night? How do I prove that?
You stop taking your son to the match and let him prove it for you!

You tell your son that that night is one that his dad says he is with him, at his house, so any arrangements are down to him. Maybe add that you can't afford the subs, petrol money etc anymore... like I said, real life solutions.

It's nasty isn't it? But your kids have to be part of the solution.

Original poster
Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 12:14

This is what is happening, I can't afford the 'extras' such as even underwear.
I really really don't want to but I'm even considering getting them to actually stay 3 nights but not weekends so he doesn't just get to play super dad and I just get the shit mundane stuff

OP posts:
Seeline · 10/05/2021 12:15

If they are at high school, there is probably plenty on their phones - location of photos, etc.
Do they have bus passes that they use to get to school etc showing start point/end point?
Friends visiting them when at your house?

Original poster
Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 12:16

@CuriousaboutSamphire I agree with this, I did attempt it but he just got someone else to pick him up so he got bailed out. That meant my son was on his own which I hated.

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 10/05/2021 12:16

Can you appeal to the DC's morality. They lied for him. Why do they think that's ok. Why do they think their DF would ask them to do that? Aren't they uncomfortable about that?

It can't be undone now, but if you asked them to tell the truth for you would they do that?

MRex · 10/05/2021 12:17

The video is a problem, you need to tell the kids that you're required to tell court how long you have them versus their father. In secondary school they are old enough to understand that maintenance money is for bills based on where they are. Keep it calm and factual. If your children won't honestly say where they've been then that's suggesting there's a problem.

Original poster
Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 12:18

I'm thinking of asking them to sign a letter with correct information on it. I feel awful involving them but I need to scare them by saying I'll have to go through court

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 10/05/2021 12:22

It is unfortunate, but it was their DF who involved them, not you.
They do need to understand, though, that this is serious and they should never go along with anyone asking them to lie for them.
It is a legal situation and the truth needs to be proved. It's not a game. It has repercussions.

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