To think there’s more to it than getting a cleaner?!

[Rainallnight]

And, can you let me know if I’ve forgotten anything in the list below of all the various things you need to do to look after DC?

I’m an accidental SAHM, one DC at school, one home with me. I need to get back to work and broached with DP that we’d need to find a way to divvy up various jobs if I was working full time. Their response was that they could do a bit more laundry, and that we’re getting the cleaner back.

So I’ve made this list of things I do to make clear all of the things I do, so they can see exactly what needs to be shared between us.

To be clear, DP does sometimes pick up some of below, like evening tidy up, dinners at weekends, helping to clear up after dinner and does bath time every night. But I wanted to write down the totality of it all.

Have I forgotten anything?!

One DC has a chronic medical condition.

Wash dry put away kids clothes
Wash dry put away adults clothes
Buy new kids clothes
Take out and get pass on old clothes and shoes

Cook dinners
Set table, give kids drinks
Clean up after dinner
Meal plan
Online grocery shop
Do breakfast
Clean up after breakfast
Clean up after lunch

Dress kids
Bring pyjamas back upstairs for the nighttime

Tidy at the end of the day

Take bins/recycling out
Put bins out on bin day

Drop kids to school
Pick up kids from school
Stay home from school if sick/school closed etc

Do reading homework
Fill in reading notebook, give books back weekly
Pack water every day
Take out any wet/dirty spare clothes from school bag
Refill school bag with spare clothes
Sign and return permissions forms to school

Make and go to Doctor appointments
Order and collect kids’ medicine

Get kids to drink water

Bath kids
Wash kids hair Saturdays
Do DD hair every day hair

Book and take them to hair cuts
Book and take them to dentists

Find and book hobbies/classes
Find and book summer camps

Sort and pass on old toys

Sort play dates
Buy and wrap birthday presents and cards for other kids

How about:

• Packed lunches (might not apply)
• Attend/schedule Parents Mornings at school
• Paying household bills
• Preparing all the inevitable World Book Day/Christmas concert costumes etc

There's probably a load more stuff but I notice

• changing beds
• top up shops (milk/salad or whatever)
• brush kids' hair
• supervise tooth brushing
• respond to school requests for loo roll middles/a pound for no uniform day etc

Thank you!

Yes true, I do parent morning stuff, bills. DD has school dinners and DP leads on bloody costumes thank God!!

Also add, refill dishwasher with salt, rinse aid and wash dishwasher filter

@Anycrispsleft Yes! Changing beds, top up the bloody own clothes day at school, pound for this and that, contribute recycling (which you don’t have to do but I like to help). DP does toothbrushing.

It seems a bit unhelpfully detailed and reads like someone trying to find stuff for a list to make a point, so it would irritate me massively if DH turned up with something like this. Feel free to ignore me, but I'd simplify it and just indicate how much time it takes:

1. Cleaning, laundry, deep clean stuff like dishwasher - for cleaner, 6 hrs/wk
2. Meal prep and kitchen clean-up (1 hr / day split morning and evening)
3. School drop-off, pick-up, kid homework supervision and bag set-up (1 HR/ day), cover for days off school
4. Tidying
5. Shopping - Clothes, shoes, toys, friend gifts (2 HR every other week)
6. Summer camp and activity bookings (1 day per term)
7. Doctor appointments and medication
8. Food shopping

In our house we divided most tasks; DH does washing up and bins, I do laundry and nursery bag prep, we have specific days to drop/ pickup etc. If one of us is stretched then the other helps, but dividing tasks means there isn't a need for endless debate about who did what, we just get on with our own bits.

Book and take to eye tests
If they do any activities - book, pay for, take to / from or arrange a lift, buy correct kit, check and replace kit when outgrown or kit list changes, repeat next term while managing class time changes so they don’t clash with anything else
Tip run when needed
Gardening?
Planning, booking, packing and unpacking for holidays
Sorting out holiday childcare (see activities list above, same set of tasks)
Get DC to send thank you letters / call relatives
Plan,book, run and tidy up after DC birthday parties
Take DC to birthday parties with suitable, wrapped present and card
Oversee homework
House maintenance - find, get quotes from, book, oversee and quality assure work of any tradesmen, including dealing with emergencies.
Find best deal on household bills, swopping each year as necessary

Agree with pp that this seems like a list to argue over the detail on. How about splitting it into daily/weekly/monthly/and hoc to be more useful for a discussion? We split the items on each list in half and occasionally swap them around so we don't die of boredom

I can see what you mean, @anothercovidxmas and @MRex but I do want to flush out all the detail because there’s a lot DP doesn’t see and will just end up being picked up by me on top of a full time job (potentially).

So for example, DP gets the kids dressed in the living room every morning and each and every day just leaves the pyjamas there. They need to go back up for that night!

Actually DP will usually get one child dressed.

If you're going to use this to divvy up chores, we need to see a list of exactly what your DP does too.

You've already identified several jobs he does and a lot of the things on your list would be negated by the children being in full time childcare

DP does driving, makes dinner once a week, helps clear up after dinner, helps tidy at the end of the day.

I don’t see much here that will go away when DS is in childcare??

Way too detailed. Do you really need a rota for "getting kids to drink water"?

Just alternate days or weeks for cooking, tidying up and food shopping and decide on a routine for homework, bedtime, getting ready for school and school runs.

Everything else is just life, you deal with it as and when needed.

One DC needs to drink a certain amount of water every day for the management of their chronic condition. It needs to be logged and discussed with doctors.

It seems a bit unhelpfully detailed and reads like someone trying to find stuff for a list to make a point, so it would irritate me massively if DH turned up with something like this.

Same, I think you're making it complex OP. A cleaner will surely give the place a clean, but day to day stuff like washing, washing up will need to be done, but he might play ignorant but he is an adult and must know this. The thing it's probably worth spelling out to him is the organisational stuff and the mental load. Plenty of people both work and manage fine, are you looking for excuses to not go back? Just tell him that's how you feel if so.

I’m definitely not looking for excuses not to go back. Just don’t want to be left with all the things that DP thinks happen by magic

OP - with your example, so what if the pyjamas stay there in living room? Why can't DC put them where they need to go? Appreciate might be a small child but at 3 my youngest DC can follow instructions such as put them in your bedroom or in laundry.

Organise childcare (incl emergency cover when needed)
Unload dishwasher
Bills and paperwork
Fixing stuff in the house or getting it fixed
Organising social life/visits with family
Organising holidays - incl rsch and book, pack and unpack
Gardening
Getting rid of unneeded stuff - charity shop, advertise for sale, tip
Empty bins
Refill loo rolls
Hoover and wipe etc in between cleaner visits (even if you have a cleaner there is stuff needs doing)

I know what you mean OP. There’s a lot that DPs with SAHWs don’t think of because they have never done it. And the worry is, if you go back to work, they will keep not doing it as they don’t even know it needs doing. So I can see the need for a detailed list.

Not to say it can’t be done, of course it can, but you’re right it’s not just a matter of “get a cleaner”

Sorry OP, I’m also a SAHP but this reads like someone desperately trying to justify why they’re at home and “all the things I do”
Get kids to drink water? And I’m sure an adult parent doesn’t need reminding the kids need to be picked up from school and fed.
It could easily be collated into groups as suggested above by PPs.

Honestly, some of the things on your list sound a little ridiculous. Like sign permission forms - so basically a whole minute to read form, sign it and put date in own calender if required.

The thing it's probably worth spelling out to him is the organisational stuff and the mental load.

Yes I agree with this.

My DP for example is fine at doing the washing up or emptying the dishwasher as it is right in front of him and clearly needs doing. It’s the stuff that needs thinking of, in advance, that won’t occur to him. Or anything that needs researching and deciding.

You forgot

go on Mumsnet and social media

You are trying to put any little thing, so might as well add it!
I mean Sign and return permissions forms to school
Seriously?

Would it be easier if he took a day's annual leave and 'shadowed' you?

@Rainallnight

I’m definitely not looking for excuses not to go back. Just don’t want to be left with all the things that DP thinks happen by magic

It might be easier just to split the list in that case. E.g. I will do all doctor stuff, you please do optician and dentist. I'll do toys and friend presents, you do clothes and shoes.

I do lots of little bits like bills, because I'm more organised and have everything on DD with an occasional meter read or whatever. DH is less organised, so in our split he has fewer tasks that take longer or happen on schedule e.g. Bins. Might that strategy suit youand your DP?

Honestly, some of the things on your list sound a little ridiculous. Like sign permission forms - so basically a whole minute to read form, sign it and put date in own calender if required

This is a perfect example of mental load. Obviously signing the form is not a big task. It’s the remembering to check the bag every day to see if there is a form.

At the moment this would probably never occur to the working parent as the OP has always done it. If she goes back to work, these kinds of responsibilities need to be allocated so the OP doesn’t end up trying to remember all these little tasks on top of her job.

Unless I've missed it, taking to and from activities/hobbies, sorting uniform for them, packed teas as needed, sorting lift shares etc. Party admin, gift buying, ferrying.

However I think this way of doing it might be quite antagonistic. Taking children's clothes upstairs isn't a thing. If DP or child doesn't take it up at the time and it stays on the floor til they get home it doesn't really matter, it can be taken up at bedtime when someone's going anyway, or maybe you can get a downstairs laundry basket. Don't invent work, it'll just devalue your case.

Along similar lines, your first task with DP when you have your long list, is to figure out ways together to cross things off that list. You're not a skivvy. It's not just about delegation/doling out tasks, it's about working smarter and simplifying.