To think there’s more to it than getting a cleaner?!

[Rainallnight]

And, can you let me know if I’ve forgotten anything in the list below of all the various things you need to do to look after DC?

I’m an accidental SAHM, one DC at school, one home with me. I need to get back to work and broached with DP that we’d need to find a way to divvy up various jobs if I was working full time. Their response was that they could do a bit more laundry, and that we’re getting the cleaner back.

So I’ve made this list of things I do to make clear all of the things I do, so they can see exactly what needs to be shared between us.

To be clear, DP does sometimes pick up some of below, like evening tidy up, dinners at weekends, helping to clear up after dinner and does bath time every night. But I wanted to write down the totality of it all.

Have I forgotten anything?!

One DC has a chronic medical condition.

Wash dry put away kids clothes
Wash dry put away adults clothes
Buy new kids clothes
Take out and get pass on old clothes and shoes

Cook dinners
Set table, give kids drinks
Clean up after dinner
Meal plan
Online grocery shop
Do breakfast
Clean up after breakfast
Clean up after lunch

Dress kids
Bring pyjamas back upstairs for the nighttime

Tidy at the end of the day

Take bins/recycling out
Put bins out on bin day

Drop kids to school
Pick up kids from school
Stay home from school if sick/school closed etc

Do reading homework
Fill in reading notebook, give books back weekly
Pack water every day
Take out any wet/dirty spare clothes from school bag
Refill school bag with spare clothes
Sign and return permissions forms to school

Make and go to Doctor appointments
Order and collect kids’ medicine

Get kids to drink water

Bath kids
Wash kids hair Saturdays
Do DD hair every day hair

Book and take them to hair cuts
Book and take them to dentists

Find and book hobbies/classes
Find and book summer camps

Sort and pass on old toys

Sort play dates
Buy and wrap birthday presents and cards for other kids

I wish I'd sorted some of this when I went back to work. I work about 30 hours a week but do 99% of stuff in the home, admin, school stuff etc
My DH has no clue about school stuff, I dont know if he could tell you who the DC tutor or teacher is or what year they're in.

@houseyhouse21 "Permission slips may not seem like a big deal, but what if no-one does it? The point is that OP shouldn't be the default safety net for every single task - it's mentally exhausting and very unfair."

Yes you've put it much better than I did. At times it's been the difference between collapsing on the sofa at 9pm and switching off (which is good for mental health), and collapsing on the sofa at 9pm to start a pile of admin (which is not).

What gets combined and what gets split is all up for grabs. But it needs to be a sensible list in the first place that contains stuff DP does (toothbrushing, costumes) as well as what OP does. OP I wonder if there's a bit of a passive aggressive "you create extra work for me DP" rant going on, which I would really try to keep separate from this discussion of your SAH "day job" tasks. Mind on the prize, focus on the big stuff in terms of mental load or daily hours spent.

@minipie

Honestly, some of the things on your list sound a little ridiculous. Like sign permission forms - so basically a whole minute to read form, sign it and put date in own calender if required

This is a perfect example of mental load. Obviously signing the form is not a big task. It’s the remembering to check the bag every day to see if there is a form.

At the moment this would probably never occur to the working parent as the OP has always done it. If she goes back to work, these kinds of responsibilities need to be allocated so the OP doesn’t end up trying to remember all these little tasks on top of her job.

Agree with this. The mental load can be exhausting and shouldn't fall to OP by default

I rather like the school/club division idea!

I saw mentioned once on here an app where you can divvy all this up (I am sorry that I can't remember the name). Then you could easily monitor who's done what. Plus don't forget any help like cleaner has to be booked, monitored and paid for.

I think it's a good idea to go into detail like this. Otherwise you quickly get a slippery slope and resentment follows.

Did you add booking holidays and weekends away? I find this takes quire a bit of time because absolutely everything seems to need booking in advance in these Covid times. I spent about 30 mins just booking swimming slots on a poorly designed app for a few days we spent away after Easter.

Garden tasks
DIY
Finding tradespeople
Insurance - car, house, life
Reviewing finances - ISA, savings, pensions
Car servicing & mot
Holiday research & booking
Family birthdays & christmas
Parents evening, other school events

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. My DH was in an all consuming job. He was once in a taxi with someone a rung higher up the career ladder. The guy explained how he was reading the briefing note his wife prepared at the start of every term so that he would be able to chat with his younger son as he drove him back to boarding school.
Our kids were younger and my DH was always great at playing but it was one of the things that prompted a change in lifestyle. I now work full time (but at home).
And he still doesn’t remember pick up times/brushing teeth/which night which child does what. Let alone thank you cards. But lockdown did help in some ways too and he is a lot more involved in their education.

OP if your DP doesn’t do any of this stuff then I’d be having words with her anyway. It’s not on for her to leave absolutely everything to you.

You could approach it the other way ... say that if you are going back to work then you want the same deal that DP has, and none of it should end up on you, so you will jointly have to make a list of responsibilities for the nanny

You could approach it the other way ... say that if you are going back to work then you want the same deal that DP has, and none of it should end up on you, so you will jointly have to make a list of responsibilities for the nanny

Slight difference - the OP won’t be covering the full costs of another adults life as part of her deal, her DP was. Not that I mean she should have been a slave as a SAHM but in the partner’s position I would fully expected to have done very little life admin as part of the whole set up. With both partners working it’s not possible that anyone gets to do nothing at home, but equally there is no adult who brings in zero money to support.