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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU MIL

48 replies

Staffymumma · 10/05/2021 09:16

So, OH and I have been together 4 and a half years, have a 4mo LG together.

Relationship with MIL has always been ok, I don’t think we’ve ever been each others biggest fans, I always felt like she never thought I was good enough for her son, and I’ll never forgive her for comments she made after I had my still born son, so we’ve never had a fall out but never really clicked. So that’s the basic background.

Onto my AIBU...the other say she messaged me to say my LG was in the news, I was obviously confused so asked what she was talking about, MIL had sent a pic in to a news paper of her and my daughter for an article and didn’t ask me. Now this might not seem like a huge deal but OH and I don’t have social media so don’t post her anywhere, so I simply said would you mind asking me in future before posting her pics anywhere as if I’d have known I’d have said I’m not comfortable with it, she replied saying my daughters info isn’t on there and it could be any baby so it’s ok, I replied on Saturday and said but it’s not any baby, it’s a picture of my daughter posted without mine or OHs consent and I’m not happy about it. She hasn’t even bothered to open my message (she’s 100% been online so is just ignoring me) which to me just shows she doesn’t respect what I’m asking. I wasn’t rude or nasty, I just was explaining my boundaries for what is and isn’t okay.

Aibu to be upset that she hasn’t even bothered to open my message? Aibu to be upset she sent a pic of my daughter without my permission into a newspaper?

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 09:19

That is a massive violation of your privacy. I would contact the paper to ask them to change their policy to only accept submissions from people with parental responsibility.

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 09:20

Your OH needs to speak to her though. Not just leave it to you.

FromDespairToHere · 10/05/2021 09:22

What does your DP think about it? It's him that needs to speak to his mum.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/05/2021 09:22

Hand it all over to your OH. Let him deal with it.

ForensicFlossy · 10/05/2021 09:22

Why does this worry you? What do you think could happen?

JaniceBattersby · 10/05/2021 09:23

It depends on the circumstances. If it were coverage if a big event in a public place then no consent is needed.

But if it’s not then all the newspapers I’ve ever worked at will always ask the grandparent if the parent is ok with the article being written and a picture being taken.

Totally depends on the circumstances under which this happened.

Naunet · 10/05/2021 09:23

What is your partner doing about this? Why is it left to you to deal with?

Original poster
Staffymumma · 10/05/2021 09:25

OH never deals with issues in regards to her which is why I’ve had to on this one because I won’t let it lie. I think he’s almost scared of her, no idea why.

OP posts:
myusernamewastakenbyme · 10/05/2021 09:25

Why is it a problem....does it really matter if there is a pic of your daughter in the newspaper....i think you are over reacting.

Plumbear2 · 10/05/2021 09:26

@ForensicFlossy

Why does this worry you? What do you think could happen?
OP dosent have to give reason. She has every right to say her child's photo cannot be posted or shared anywhere.
TwoAndAnOnion · 10/05/2021 09:27

Perhaps OH doesn't see it as an issue?

What is your thinking behind a no SM lifestyle?

Original poster
Staffymumma · 10/05/2021 09:28

@ForensicFlossy it’s not a case of I’m worried what will happen, it’s the fact she’s sent in a photo of my daughter and not asked me if I’m ok with it, which I’m not. I’m a massively private person hence why I don’t have FB, insta etc and haven’t posted her anywhere myself. I wouldn’t dream of doing that with someone else’s child without asking.

OP posts:
wearetheweirdosmr · 10/05/2021 09:28

Pictures taken in the public domain are a different entity to private personal photo's

We have friends who won't give their mum permission to post or share any pictures of their kids. They refuse to let her use their kids for her 'insta life' look at me aren't I a wonderful grandparent attention seeking.
They are quite happy for their siblings to post pictures of them and the kids together though.

I would contact the paper and say that they don't have permission to use that photo.

Gymsmile21 · 10/05/2021 09:29

She was probably excited she got your daughter in the news, like 5 minutes of fame, and told you thinking you would think it was a lovely thing for her to do but it obviously backfired.

Seems like a misunderstanding to me on both parts.

IggyAce · 10/05/2021 09:30

I’d be annoyed your DP needs to grow a back bone & back you on this.
Moving forward I wouldn’t send her any pictures of dd and I also wouldn’t be arranging visits anytime soon.

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 09:32

@myusernamewastakenbyme

Why is it a problem....does it really matter if there is a pic of your daughter in the newspaper....i think you are over reacting.
It doesn't matter what the problem is. OP is the baby's parent and if she doesn't consent then it shouldn't be happening.
TwoAndAnOnion · 10/05/2021 09:32

I would contact the paper and say that they don't have permission to use that photo

Who has copyright? Mum or Gran? Because if it is Gran's photo, she can give permission for it to be used.

I belong to photography forums so what people often think is correct and how the law stands, are two very different things.

Original poster
Staffymumma · 10/05/2021 09:33

@JaniceBattersby it’s a photo she took of them both and submitted herself

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 09:33

@IggyAce

I’d be annoyed your DP needs to grow a back bone & back you on this. Moving forward I wouldn’t send her any pictures of dd and I also wouldn’t be arranging visits anytime soon.
I agree, don't send any more photos unless she understands the problem.
ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 09:35

Your DP is a parent now he needs to stand up for his child.

Original poster
Staffymumma · 10/05/2021 09:35

@TwoAndAnOnion it is a photo she took herself. I’d have just liked her to ask me if it was ok to put a pic of DD in the news instead of doing it and only telling me after

OP posts:
Original poster
Staffymumma · 10/05/2021 09:36

@ThatIsMyPotato you are 100% right. I have said this to him before. I actually said the other day if he won’t stop just rolling over for her then I have to call time on our relationship, seems extreme but it’s been 4 and a half years of her constantly making digs and him never defending me.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 10/05/2021 09:39

If she can't be trusted to not share photos when she has been told not to - particularly with something as public as a newspaper - then she doesn't get to have the child alone not even for a second so she cannot take her own photos.

mamas12 · 10/05/2021 09:44

Don’t send her any more photos, get your Dh on board with that too and also if you do meet up ask for phone to be left in bag or by the door and explain she can’t be trusted
If Dh won’t step up just drop her rope
Don’t engage if she messages you then pass it on to Dh if she wants to meet up pass it on to Dh
If you’re the one who facilitated contact then this will work
Good luck

Original poster
Staffymumma · 10/05/2021 10:39

@LittleOwl153 I was considering not letting her be alone with her for other reasons (not changing her nappy even when she has slept over, was so full it was leaking out of DDs front top bit of the nappy, also taking her in the direct sunlight when I asked her not to without her sun hat on, then later got shown photos of her in direct sunlight without her hat, I could go on!) but didn’t want to take it that far but I do feel like I have to now because she clearly doesn’t respect what we ask

OP posts:
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