AIBU MIL

[Staffymumma]

So, OH and I have been together 4 and a half years, have a 4mo LG together.

Relationship with MIL has always been ok, I don’t think we’ve ever been each others biggest fans, I always felt like she never thought I was good enough for her son, and I’ll never forgive her for comments she made after I had my still born son, so we’ve never had a fall out but never really clicked. So that’s the basic background.

Onto my AIBU...the other say she messaged me to say my LG was in the news, I was obviously confused so asked what she was talking about, MIL had sent a pic in to a news paper of her and my daughter for an article and didn’t ask me. Now this might not seem like a huge deal but OH and I don’t have social media so don’t post her anywhere, so I simply said would you mind asking me in future before posting her pics anywhere as if I’d have known I’d have said I’m not comfortable with it, she replied saying my daughters info isn’t on there and it could be any baby so it’s ok, I replied on Saturday and said but it’s not any baby, it’s a picture of my daughter posted without mine or OHs consent and I’m not happy about it. She hasn’t even bothered to open my message (she’s 100% been online so is just ignoring me) which to me just shows she doesn’t respect what I’m asking. I wasn’t rude or nasty, I just was explaining my boundaries for what is and isn’t okay.

Aibu to be upset that she hasn’t even bothered to open my message? Aibu to be upset she sent a pic of my daughter without my permission into a newspaper?

OP. Stop letting her have unsupervised access to your daughter. That nappy thing is neglect. Buried lede there. This woman is neglecting your baby. Stop letting her.

@WeeWelshWoman you’re right it absolutely is, I’m pleased it’s not just me that sees it this way

Is it a news article ? Is your daughter named?
I would be writing into the editor (probably phone first an follow up) and make a subject access request for your daughter and to ask they remove her details and her picture. I would ask complain as they did not ask your permission.
Others may say it’s an over reaction but she shouldn’t have done it and the paper is lax in not ensuring that she had permission.

I would also be furious with mil.

I would be furious with this too OP. Contact the newspaper.
She doesn’t need to be having overnight with a 4 month old either so put a stop to that if she can’t be trusted to respect your wishes. My PIL don’t have my kids on their own now either. We visit on weekends but my husband and I always stay.

Unbelievable OP.

Why on earth would you allow her have your child overnight?

Why have you had a child with a wuss of a man?

Of course she was wrong to submit a photo of your child.

Sort out your contraception.
Do not have another child with him.

You have had enough grief in your life.

Why stay with a weak man that is afraid of his awful mother.

I hear you OP, and I think it should absolutely be your call if a photo of your DC is published. I would be cross under these circumstances. Wherever possible I would try and be kind to your MIL. If she did this with the best of intentions then ask her please not to do the same again and leave it at that. More difficult if she says no, I will do what I like... but at that point you have at least tried, and as the mum it us up to you.

[quote Staffymumma]@LittleOwl153 I was considering not letting her be alone with her for other reasons (not changing her nappy even when she has slept over, was so full it was leaking out of DDs front top bit of the nappy, also taking her in the direct sunlight when I asked her not to without her sun hat on, then later got shown photos of her in direct sunlight without her hat, I could go on!) but didn’t want to take it that far but I do feel like I have to now because she clearly doesn’t respect what we ask[/quote]
This is awful. Don't let her have your child unsupervised. She can't meet her needs.

@billy1966 I don’t, shes had her once over night and when I picked her up and her nappy leaked out the front I put a stop to it as realised her nappy hadn’t been changed since I dropped her off (I don’t think it had anyway)

@Brainwave89 I think this is why I’m so annoyed, I approached her politely and told her to ask me in future and she came back with well her info isn’t on there so it’s ok, I then had to go back saying no it isn’t. If she’d have come back and said oh sorry I didn’t even think or something along them lines I wouldn’t have minded as much! And then to point blank ignore me is just 🤦🏽‍♀️

@TwoAndAnOnion

I would contact the paper and say that they don't have permission to use that photo

Who has copyright? Mum or Gran? Because if it is Gran's photo, she can give permission for it to be used.

I belong to photography forums so what people often think is correct and how the law stands, are two very different things.

The person who has copyright can give permission for it to be used but it is normal in the U.K. media for a child’s face to be blurred if the parents do not consent (actively or inactively). It’s the reason why some celebrities’ children’s faces are blurred despite not owing the copyright of the pictures published.

OP, speak to the newspaper and ask them to either remove or blur the photo.

As for the AIBU question, I think it’s important to know whether your MIL knew your views on social media etc and actively went behind your back (I’m guessing not since she told you about the picture) or whether she was just making an incorrect assumption that it would be ok. Either way, your MIL is in the wrong but if it’s the latter then it sounds more of a misunderstanding than being unreasonable.

I’m with you OP, I’d be really annoyed. It’s the not asking in advance that would piss me off - presumably she’s aware that you don’t post photos of your child online so I can’t see how she’d think submitting a photo to a newspaper would be ok with you.

I’m currently pregnant with my first child and DH and I have agreed we don’t want photos of them online, totally understand your views on this.

Whether it's legal or not, it's out of order.

@OwlTwitterings thanks for clearing up what is and isn’t allowed as I wasnt actually sure. I’m not going to contact the paper as I assume there’s nothing that can be done now as they’re printed.

She’s more than aware of my views as I always say how I don’t want her posted on social media etc as you never know who’s looking, and that no one would have even know I was pregnant due to not being on SM. She told me about the picture when it had been printed in the paper.

@WhatTheFlap exactly!! And the not even bothering to open my reply to her, just shows a complete disregard for what I’m saying.

Congrats on your pregnancy!!

@ForensicFlossy

Why does this worry you? What do you think could happen?

That's beside the point.

yes, totally agree this is unacceptable. even if you did post pictures of your DD on social media, i think MIL should still have sought permission before sending pics into the local paper.

no reading your message is also like she is looking to annoy you. if i was her and had done this, realised that you are annoyed and i had made a mistake, i would immediately be apologising and assuring that it wouldn't happen again. if she had read it and ignored you could perhaps think she has made a genuine mistake and is a bit upset but ignoring it is very rude and imo adds to the issue.

@Dasher789 couldn’t agree more. If she replied and just apologised I could move forward, but to tell me that it’s ok because her info isn’t on there, then blank my reply is probably what’s upsetting me the most. At the end of my message I said I don’t want to make a big deal out of it let’s leave it here, so if she read it and didn’t reply I’d understand, but to not open it at all hurt me because it’s like she doesn’t care what I’m saying

I’d want permission sought before posting my kids online. I suppose she’s just tiny right now and not recognisable from the pic so I suppose that’s something.

Id have no issues with my child being in paper but the key point there is MY child MY choice. She is bang out of order. Id be tempted to contact the paper too and ask what their policy is as they have printed a photo of your child without your permission. And id stop MIL having your child again.

God I'd be so mad. We have the same rule, I feel like "don't put pictures of my child on social media" includes the actual media!

You've got other concerns about her being alone with your child and overriding your parenting, or just not looking after her properly. I'd definitely say no more unsupervised access and no more photos. We've got PILs a photo frame that we can add photos to but they can't get them off or share them. So they still get up to date photos, but can't send them about. Both of them have "friends" that they don't really know.

Our baby isn't born yet so I don't know how well people will stick to our request though.

@AnUnoriginalUsername I have the same worries! I’m sure my close friends would be considerate as it’s quite common between us to have things we do/do not share online, but my mum loves forwarding pictures and telling people I don’t know about my life so it’s going to be an awkward conversation with her.