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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To arrange an extra day at nursery

28 replies

Sjdmcfeet · 10/05/2021 00:12

I really need some perspective with a dilemma I am facing, it's mum guilt more than anything but here goes
Dh works full time Monday-friday , I work full time Thursday, Friday , Saturday, Sunday
This means me and DH never get a day off together, he is main parent at the weekend whilst I work and DD 2 currently goes nursery Thursday/ Friday whilst we both work and is at home with me Monday Tuesday Wednesday
It's not an ideal set up as hardly see DH but with no family to ask to help with childcare it was the only way we could avoid huge nursery bill, currently paying 100 per week for 2 days nursery

Anyway it's not forever and when DD goes to school my employer has already said can go back mid week

My AIBU is that I feel like I never get anytime to myself, DH works a long day and is exhausted and he comes homes from a physical demanding job (structural welder lots of heavy lifting ) and is often asleep by ,9pm , I don't begrudge him this at all by the way as he works hard for the family and is a fab daddy and husband

We are entitled to 30 hours free childcare from April next year which means I could put DD in an extra day and it would actually cost us less than it does now , I feel so guilty though as I'm only doing this so I can have one day in the week to myself, I just want one day where I can relax , watch Netflix or whatever , I don't get this now and with DH crashed out most night for 9pm I feel like I can never read a book , watch a film as DD demands my attention constantly
Am I being selfish doing this? Dh said go for it but there is something that makes me feel.gulilty putting DD in nursery when I'm not at work, why do I feel like this ?? Thanks for reading

OP posts:
SlB09 · 10/05/2021 00:26

DO IT!! I do the same, and actually when DS got to nearly 3 he was bored at home anyway and absolutely thrives at nursery with his pals. It's my sanity saving day to be truthful, never regretted it having gone through your current mindset

devuskums · 10/05/2021 00:33

Just do it and don't worry about it and enjoy your day off!

Xmassprout · 10/05/2021 00:34

Absolutely do it. Unless there is a backstory about your child being completely miserable at nursery, I would do it without a seconds hesitation.

Your children are important, but so are you. Self care is important to your well being, and your child will be safely cared for.

If I could afford to I would send my youngest to nursery a couple of times a week. I love her to pieces but she is so demanding and I'm so totally touched out. The hours my husband and I work mean we don't need childcare, but if I had the money I would absolutely use it! My eldest goes to nursery few mornings as she gets the 30 hours free funding.

onetwothreeadventure · 10/05/2021 00:39

My kids go to nursery on the day I don’t work. They love nursery and I get to run some errands and take some time to myself. I felt guilty when I was considering it but it works for all of us!

Dddccc · 10/05/2021 08:24

You work a 4 day week he does a 5 then has 22 on his 2 off when is his day off? But go for it since he agrees but he needs time off too

3anddone · 10/05/2021 08:31

Please don’t feel guilty OP. Part of the reason the 30 hours is offered is because of the many benefits nursery offers 3 year olds and it’s great preparation for school.

Jangle33 · 10/05/2021 08:32

Yes do it although your DH needs a day off too. And by that age it’s important for children to be in nursery, learning with others. Given you get your free days can’t you consider switching to working midweek again?

ellesbellesxxx · 10/05/2021 08:58

Do it!!! I intended to do this but ended up with more work... I have put them in for a few extra mornings here and there though so I can catch up on work etc!

MessedOfTimes · 10/05/2021 09:07

PLEASE do it! And if it all goes tits up, you can reassess! And while you’re at it, have as many naps and PJ days and items on your Netflix wish list as you can handle...welcome yourself home to YOU! Apologies if I sound overly passionate. Nothing makes me happier than knowing other Mums are getting some bloody well-earned “me time” ♥️

Bancha · 10/05/2021 09:09

Oh my god definitely do it! You will all benefit from it. You can have time to yourself, DD will benefit from socialising and learning at nursery, and you can get jobs done as well to take the pressure off DH at the weekend.

Pootles34 · 10/05/2021 09:14

I may have read this completely wrong, if so, I apologise! But, you're saying your work will let you return to normal mid-week hours once your child is in school, so why don't you use your 30 hours to just have them in now Monday-Friday, the same hours as if they were at school? Then you all have the weekend off together?

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 10/05/2021 09:17

What about your dh getting a day off too though? Could you maybe put her in for 2 afternoons a week that way you both get an afternoon off a week?

Hankunamatata · 10/05/2021 09:19

Could u swap one of weekend days back to a weekday so you all get a day together?

VodkaSlimline · 10/05/2021 09:21

Do it - she's not a baby, at her age she'll be getting a lot out of nursery and benefitting socially from being there, especially as she's an only child.

MonkeyPuddle · 10/05/2021 09:21

If do it in a flash if your little one is happy in nursery.

I’ve been on maternity leave the last six months and my 3 year old has been attending his usual days and I don’t feel guilty about it one jot!

shouldistop · 10/05/2021 09:29

It doesn't seem like your dh has any time off either, you must both be knackered.
You should definitely use the 30 hours though, it benefits children aged 3-5, it's not just to do with childcare.
I'm on maternity leave and I wouldn't dream of taking 4yo ds out of nursery, he'd be gutted. He's only in 2.5 days and often asks to go on his days off, especially as there's no soft play etc at the moment!

shouldistop · 10/05/2021 09:33

@Pootles34 30 hours doesn't cover full time though, it's 1140 per year so if your nursery is 8am-6pm 50 weeks per year it actually only covers roughly 2.5 days (a bit less really)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/05/2021 09:40

Would the 30 hours make it affordable for you to change to weekdays now? Just thinking that neither of you gets a break at the moment and you must both be knackered

But otherwise, yes, go for it.

Original poster
Sjdmcfeet · 10/05/2021 10:04

Thanks for all your replies i have read them all yeah we are both nakard , sadly there is no offer of childcare from DH side family, my mum originally offered to have DD Thursday and did so for a few weeks but then it became apparent this wasn't working for her so we arranged the extra day nursery , we get the odd child free evening when DD goes to my mums overnight (maybe 3 times a year ) she will watch her though for things like if I need to go the hairdressers etc
Its hard and spoke to DH again last night about what he wants to do , he is tired also but OK with arrangements he gets more rest than me in the evening and I mainly work from home so can watch DD for a few hours here and there whilst working , I never imagined it would be this hard to be honest, I love my days off with DD we go swimming , park and just chill at gome together she is a joy but I just crave me time , but feel bad for doing so
I think the whole set up needs a re think , luckily my employer are fantastic x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sjdmcfeet · 10/05/2021 10:09

We can't change anything now as we get no help and full time nursery would cost us 1000 pounds a month that's about 25 per cent of out take home pay , DD is 3 end of march so gets her hours just in time for April , and for 3 days it would actually be 30 quid a week less then we pay now so that's good
One option is for her to go nursery Wednesday and me work that day then I could maybe drop my Sunday and work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, it wouldn't give me the child free day I crave but at least would mean we are all together on a Sunday, but 8 actually crave the free day to myself more than the family day Grin does that make me sound terrible? Ha x

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 10/05/2021 10:41

Could you have her in nursery 4 days a week - you say the 3 days once you have the 30 hours will save you £30, so I'm assuming for an extra £20 (£50 day rate?) she could do 4 days, you have 1 day with her, 1 day alone but then you shift your hours so that you have 1 weekend day together. That feels like it would take pressure of all around?

Jannetra17 · 10/05/2021 11:28

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shouldistop · 10/05/2021 11:32

@Sjdmcfeet I'd think it's more important to all have a Sunday together. You'd be able to manage some child free time for each of you if you're both off. Also kids get much easier after they turn 3. You won't feel as desperate for time away.

Horehound · 10/05/2021 11:35

Do it.

My boy was going in Mon-wed and then Thursday with my parents. I reduced work from full time to Mon-Thurs and took my son Friday.
I'm so exhausted I now booked him on on a Friday too. I don't feel bad cause he loves nursery and probably does more with them than he would with me. I love my Fridays to myself now. Go for it

FrozenCucumberPresse · 10/05/2021 11:44

ABSOLUTELY do it!

Honestly, your mental wellbeing is important too.

We've just arranged for DH to go down to four days as he was really struggling balancing a full time job, studying (for work), and then childcare all weekend too. He will have one day each week to study in peace or just relax on his own while DS is at nursery and I'm at work.

It's for the best for the entire family. If one person isn't coping well with how things are and you're able to change them then absolutely do it, it's for the best for all of you.

Nursery isn't a negative thing, our DC has absolutely flourished attending and loves it! You're a parent but first a foremost you're a person and if you feel you need more time on your own and you can make it happen then you should, and please don't feel an ounce of guilt. It's a weird idea that once you have kids you must always be either at work or with them. For people who enjoy and can do that that's ace, but not everyone can.