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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Travel during halfterm - AIBU

36 replies

AdriannaP · 09/05/2021 15:41

Short backstory: I live in England with my family, my DM in a different country in Europe. We have a fairly complicated relationship, I often find her overbearing, selfish and controlling. I am currently 5 months pregnant, a high risk pregnancy after many losses.

Originally the plan was to potentially meet DM in Malta during halfterm so she could see DGC. For months, DM has been crying on calls, saying she misses DGC, complaining about slow vaccine progress in her country. Two weeks ago she visited my sibling in another European country (driving across borders) even though she had not had a vaccine. She also didn’t quarantine on return as it is the law in her home country. Generally in her home country people are very relaxed with covid rules and don’t follow them. Numbers are still high. One week ago she had her first vaccine.

After all Malta is now not on the green list. I suggested meeting in Portugal for a holiday, she was not keen as she only has had one vaccine and a difficult trip from her country.
Another option is for her to come to England, she has to quarantine in our house but she could see DGC and play in the garden etc. She doesn’t seem keen, complained that the only planes going to England atm are from airports far away from her home. Of course smaller regional airports don’t offer flights to England right now.

I know that she thinks it would be best I travel with DD to see her. I don’t want to as it’s an exhausting trip (being pregnant etc) and I’d have to quarantine DD after we come back, meaning I have to homeschool her and work FT from home which is very stressful. I think the trip is easier for her as she is not pregnant and doesn’t have to travel with child.

She is also not old or has mobility issues. So AIBU in saying I am not traveling to your amber country, if you want to see DGC you can quarantine in our house or come to Portugal.
(I also secretly suspect she wants me to say she doesn’t have to follow the UK quarantine rules but I definitely wouldn’t want her to come and not follow the rules).

I am also fuming that she was crying for months and now she could see DGC and had all sorts of issues and excuses. Her country will likely go green in July and when it does I will visit of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdriannaP · 09/05/2021 18:10

Anyone?

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 09/05/2021 20:35

If I were in your position, I wouldn't travel.

It sounds like she's making excuses to not travel herself and it would be easier for her if you travelled.

I'd stay at home and explain to her what the repercussions are for your family if you travelled.
Tell her that it would be great to host her after your baby has arrived ( with a few weeks built in to recuperate.)

Oriunda · 09/05/2021 20:55

The fact you have a high risk pregnancy is enough reason not to go. Plus it sounds like your mother, who has only had one vaccination to date and who is relaxed about Covid rules, wouldn’t quarantine and could even potentially put you at risk.

Overthebow · 09/05/2021 20:59

I wouldn’t travel at this stage with a high risk pregnancy, covid or not. Putting it off until July is a much better idea.

MyDcAreMarvel · 09/05/2021 21:01

She can’t quarantine in your house if you are living in it.

Whitewolf2 · 09/05/2021 21:19

I wouldn’t definitely travel either if I were you. I wouldn’t travel at the moment and I’m not pregnant!

Original poster
AdriannaP · 09/05/2021 21:22

@MyDcAreMarvel

She can’t quarantine in your house if you are living in it.
Yes she can. Uk government rules say:

What you can and cannot do in quarantine
Quarantine can include staying:

in your own home
with friends or family

OP posts:
Original poster
AdriannaP · 09/05/2021 21:24

It also says we wouldn’t have to quarantine it she comes.

Rules for the people you stay with
The people you’re staying with do not need to quarantine, unless:

they travelled with you
you or someone in the place where you’re staying develop symptoms of COVID-19
you get a positive test result for your day 2 or day 8 test

OP posts:
Cookerhood · 09/05/2021 21:34

You aren't supposed to travel to amber countries for leisure anyway. You wouldn't be covered by your travel insurance.

MyDcAreMarvel · 09/05/2021 21:35

@AdriannaP Yes she can. Uk government rules say: I didn’t mean legally, I meant morally. If your family are on and out the house, it makes the quarantine pointless. Just because Boris et al play lip service to safety doesn’t mean you have to lower yourself to that standard.

Rosebel · 09/05/2021 22:08

Your high risk so you shouldn't be travelling at the moment. Also you shouldn't be travelling in July if you're only 5 months as surely you'll still be pregnant?
I would stick to your guns. Tell her if she really wants to see you she can come. If she doesn't that's her choice but you'd prefer she didn't complain about not seeing the children and then make excuses not to travel.
I wasn't quite sure from your post if you've actually explained all your (very valid) reasons for not wanting to travel. If you haven't I'd do that and if you have then she is being unreasonable.

Original poster
AdriannaP · 09/05/2021 22:24

@Rosebel yes I will still be pregnant and high risk in July. Hopefully numbers in her country have gone down by then and vaccines seem to be going better.

I have explained all my reasons, she is still giving me grief that the airport is far for her (yes it is but I would have to do the same trip pregnant and with a small child) and she only has had one vaccine. Same for me btw - I only had one. My DH can’t travel with us, he won’t get that week off as very busy at work.
I understand it’s not great to have to quarantine in England but we have a big enough house with garden and she gets to see DGC again. Of course there is also no guarantee her country will be green by July only speculating at this stage.

OP posts:
minniemomo · 09/05/2021 22:35

If someone is quarantined in your house you are meant to be socially distancing ideally separate bathrooms etc or the whole house has to self isolate. You can't just go about your lives having mixed with a person quarantining, think about it? I think after 5 days they can take a test though and if clear you are released

Original poster
AdriannaP · 09/05/2021 22:40

@minniemomo that’s not the government guideline. You don’t have to quarantine yourself or socially distance yourself.

The person traveling can only enter the UK with a negative test and has to get tested on day 2 and 8. She would only stay 4-5 days anyway. My DH and I have access to lateral flow tests and would use those while she is here.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdriannaP · 09/05/2021 22:41

Also this is a post about traveling not government rules. I have read them and have several friends who came from amber countries and quarantined with their family.

OP posts:
Jannetra17 · 10/05/2021 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 10/05/2021 11:32

All sounds complicated and like she’s making things difficult. You have suggested numerous options and she isn’t happy with any, she wants things on her terms or not at all. I wouldn’t bother.

Atalune · 10/05/2021 11:40

Neither of you want to travel.

So don’t.

JustCatting · 10/05/2021 11:50

She's being absurd.

If the airport is too far for her to travel to, then how is she proposing it would be easier for you, pregnant and with a small child?

ClaudiaWankleman · 10/05/2021 11:54

I didn’t mean legally, I meant morally.

Morally? Hmm

Watermelon222 · 10/05/2021 13:30

I agree with you op YANBU.

(As an aside though, I do agree with other posters that it seems strange for the government to allow people to quarantine in houses where others living there are going to work or school! I believe you that those are the rules, but it seems quite risky. I suppose those coming from red countries would still need to go to a quarantine hotel, but equally those coming from Amber countries could easily have mixed with others from red countries in the airport or on connecting flights etc).

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/05/2021 17:18

@ClaudiaWankleman
moral
adjective
1.
concerned with the principles of right and wrong behaviour.

Eg wrong behaviour: sharing your hone with someone quarantining, not social distancing within the home and going about your daily business mixing with the general public.

Right behaviour: realising that other people’s health is more important than having your mum visit and acting accordingly.

Hope that helps clear things up for you.

RandomMess · 10/05/2021 17:24

I would just state that your Dr won't sign you as fit to fly so you can't travel.

This seems to be about power and control and playing favourites. She can't be arsed to travel to England as it doesn't suit her but she is too spineless to say so 🤷🏽‍♀️

Scarlettpixie · 10/05/2021 17:33

Just wait a bit longer.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 10/05/2021 17:34

High risk pregnancy . . . not a chance I’d be adding to the risk. YANBU!