Travel during halfterm - AIBU

[AdriannaP]

Short backstory: I live in England with my family, my DM in a different country in Europe. We have a fairly complicated relationship, I often find her overbearing, selfish and controlling. I am currently 5 months pregnant, a high risk pregnancy after many losses.

Originally the plan was to potentially meet DM in Malta during halfterm so she could see DGC. For months, DM has been crying on calls, saying she misses DGC, complaining about slow vaccine progress in her country. Two weeks ago she visited my sibling in another European country (driving across borders) even though she had not had a vaccine. She also didn’t quarantine on return as it is the law in her home country. Generally in her home country people are very relaxed with covid rules and don’t follow them. Numbers are still high. One week ago she had her first vaccine.

After all Malta is now not on the green list. I suggested meeting in Portugal for a holiday, she was not keen as she only has had one vaccine and a difficult trip from her country.
Another option is for her to come to England, she has to quarantine in our house but she could see DGC and play in the garden etc. She doesn’t seem keen, complained that the only planes going to England atm are from airports far away from her home. Of course smaller regional airports don’t offer flights to England right now.

I know that she thinks it would be best I travel with DD to see her. I don’t want to as it’s an exhausting trip (being pregnant etc) and I’d have to quarantine DD after we come back, meaning I have to homeschool her and work FT from home which is very stressful. I think the trip is easier for her as she is not pregnant and doesn’t have to travel with child.

She is also not old or has mobility issues. So AIBU in saying I am not traveling to your amber country, if you want to see DGC you can quarantine in our house or come to Portugal.
(I also secretly suspect she wants me to say she doesn’t have to follow the UK quarantine rules but I definitely wouldn’t want her to come and not follow the rules).

I am also fuming that she was crying for months and now she could see DGC and had all sorts of issues and excuses. Her country will likely go green in July and when it does I will visit of course.

I would not be travelling in your position full stop. Airport queues could be long as the Borders Agency cannot cope with holidays in normal times, never mind with additional checking. Enough reason.

She visits you and quarantines at your house.

Or you wait until after birth & when her country is green list., and she visits then.

@RandomMess

I would just state that your Dr won't sign you as fit to fly so you can't travel.

This seems to be about power and control and playing favourites. She can't be arsed to travel to England as it doesn't suit her but she is too spineless to say so 🤷🏽‍♀️

Exactly this! There are three ways to get to the airport (I researched them all for her): she can drive (she has a car), train and a bus that stops outside the airport.

Of course it’s a PITA but it’s still a pandemic and if she wants to see her family that’s the option 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does she not realise how high risk this pregnancy is?

a) Travelling with a high risk pregnancy is not sensible
b) Travelling to a country that isn't coping very well with covid, with a high risk pregnancy is stupid
c) You probably won't be able to get travel insurance anyway

Tell her that she needs to stop guilt tripping you or using emotional blackmail. If she had any concern for your physical wellbeing she wouldn't be making these unreasonable demands. And if she really wanted to see you she would travel to you.

@RampantIvy she knows how high risk it is.
As I said our relationship is complicated and difficult, I am very disappointed she is finding excuse for not making the trip. i would be ok if she just said she is scared. But for months she cried on video calls, saying how much she missed DGC (not me of course) and how she misses out so much.

Re travel insurance I am a citizen of the country too, I would get free health care. But of course I don’t want to risk getting covid while pregnant and abroad without DH.

She already has a flight to visit us in autumn, about a month after my due date btw.

Latest is that she will think about it and get back to me. I told her I won’t travel as I also can’t cope with working FT and homeschooling upon return (also unfair on DD who will miss out on school) and too exhausting and risky for me to travel.

Your needs are paramount surely as you are pregnant.

I live abroad and the ILs do the same, cry about not seeing the DC but then won’t put themselves through the uk quarantine because they’d miss out on seeing their other GC who they see weekly.

But they expect us to spend two of our 4 weeks a year holidays from work quarantining with them in England and are offended that we don’t want to.

Hope that helps clear things up for you.

Well not particularly. All the things you named as morally wrong are just part of every day life - before, during and after the pandemic. You could always move to a convent and cloister yourself if you prefer though.

I will continue to go about my life sans hairshirt though.

Now she wants me to book a return flight to a different European country to visit my sibling whose baby is due around then. I told her she is mad to plan to visit a newborn after just traveling on a plane in a pandemic. I told her not to come and she is accusing me of being hurtful.