AIBU - so affected by Family IL's opinions

[Carrotcakefiend]

DH and I have a great relationship, great life. He's close with his family which I think is great in theory. But, they - esp. his father - seem to constantly try to share their opinions on our relationship/life with us. The most recent: we've been considering having a dog... A big decision and one we're not taking lightly. DH is allergic to cats, but not dogs. DIL decided to lecture me about me wanting a dog, and implied I was being irresponsible when DH has allergies and they're all really worried about him. Implying 1. I'm not careful about it 2. It's solely my decision, forced on DH 3. it's any of his business.

But, now I just feel the whole idea is marked somehow by their disapproval. This isn't the first or only incident like this (others inc. my job, my family, one of my friends being a gay rights activist and openly gay, and what we'd name any future children). AIBU to let this get to me? And how do I stop?

How would you feel about speaking up the next time these kinds of remarks are made and - calmly - saying something like, well, that's your opinion but I am afraid we'll have to agree to disagree. Do you feel they see you both as children who need to be put right about things?

@maslinpan I think they see me as a child, who needs to be altered to be good enough for their grown son

Yes, that's the kind of vibe I was getting. Have you stood up to them on any of this? What do you think would happen?

Do you have 2 threads?

Whenever they are opinionated about your life and choices, refuse to be drawn into a debate about it as this gives the impression you welcome and value their views. Just smile and change the subject.

@ThatIsMyPotato yes sorry, I screwed up the DIL/FIL in the first one but then people replied and I can't work out how to delete it

Ahh I seee. If you press the 3 little dots on the bottom right of the one you want to delete you can report it if you want.

Does DH say anything when you get lectured or does he just sit there? I think he needs to intervene.

@maslinpan not really. I think I'm worried they will be offended and cause more problems if I do. I fell out with them when I discovered how homophobic they are, but I just avoided them until my anger subsided. Easy, in a lockdown...
DH's way of standing up to them is just not to engage. He hears them out and then just does what he wants. But it's easier for him somehow, they're his parents

I think it’s key not to overshare. You don’t need to tell them you’re thinking of buying a dog, for example. When you get the dog, they’ll see it. I used to overshare with my mother who would have an opinion and wouldn’t care if it was offensive. I just stopped telling her stuff.

If your DH deals with it by hearing them out and then doing what he wants, you can too! In the end this works best as they'll get really bored by the lack of reaction

If you don't want the risk of a confrontation, perfect the art of appearing to listen carefully, and say something incredibly non-committal, like oh really? That's interesting, before changing the subject to something else. If you refuse to engage, that's a way of taking a bit of power back.

Nod and smile and then go about your business...

AIBU to let this get to me?

YANBU.
It's undermining, controlling, & very frustrating for you.

And how do I stop?
Don't stop.
Your feeling are valid. It's just expressing them that seems to be the problem ...

You could play this in 2 different ways.

1. Grey Rock. www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/ (NOT assuming that your in-laws are narcs btw, but this is a useful technique for bossy & interfering people).

With Grey Rock, you are going to have to accept that the remarks are going to keep coming, that you are not interested in dramtically changing their behaviour, but that you CAN change the way you respond to it.
If they're not getting a rise, or even any feedback from you, their constant snarking is likely to diminish.

2. However, if you can't stomach any more of it, speak up! e.g. "You seem quite het-up about our decison to get a dog. Have you forgotten it's cats DH is allergic to, not dogs?" It's not about "winning", it's about highlighting their ridiculousness.

Same with potential kids names -
"Yes, you've told me several times you like the name Emily. But you've already named your kids, so now it's our turn!"

& when they are more unpleasant, as with the homophobia -
"You've made it very clear that you disapprove of my friend, so let me make it plain to you: I disapprove of your homophobia & will not hear another remark from you against my friend, ok?"

It takes guts the first few times, & will ruffle feathers.
But fuck 'em, they ruffle yours, & so long as you & DH back each other up, who cares what these opinionated bigots think?

Sounds like DH has already perfected a form of Grey Rock btw.
So go with whatever suits you best. I'd choose the 2nd option, to get them shut down faster. What's the worst that can happen - they will dislike you & not want to spend time with you? Result!

@Badgerlock42 thank you! I'll read the Grey Rock link. You're right about DH, I think he has had years of practice. When the homophobia happened he was also clearly upset (his bff is gay and Mil also made comments about him) but just said 'it's a problem.' and when I talked to him about the dog he just replied that we'd make a decision when we want to, and that's it.

I guess the worst that can happen - I fear they will get worse if I say something, because then I've caused the problem. Partly it's a toxic mix because I'm a people pleaser and they are controlling. UGH.

Oh and on my friend, they found out because she'd been in the paper for her activism, and FIL made a comment about "those people" and when I defended her, he said "why do you want anything to do with their sort?" And I accidentally snapped back that she was a close friend. They said nothing but looked shocked. Next day, they phoned DH and ranted for nearly an hour about how I was tangled up with terrible people and what would I teach our children, and why was DH even ok with it. His dad also said 'i don't understand why * (me) couldn't keep her trap shut'. They don't know I heard.

Now you know what they're like, stop giving them amunition. You don't need to tell them every decision , every event, every opinion. Have a friendly 'wall' they don't get behind. Change the subject or have to 'go check something' or ask if they'd like a drink/coffee if they bring up a contentious subject.

You need to keep a polite distance with interfering and opinionated people. Stop discussing your ideas and hopes and instead let them know when the deed is done.

This sounds like a worse version of the very common blaming the spouse for their own child’s actions or lack of eg when the DIL gets the blame for not visiting when it is actually the DS who can’t be bothered, or when they are busy. I have a friend who basically had to train her DH not to say things like ‘ friends name, are we doing anything next weekend?’ Because his parents then assumed when they didn’t see them it was her decision when he couldn’t be bothered or couldn’t remember to check the calendar. She made him check and then tell them no we can’t do the response came from him.
They do not have the right to force their opinions on you. We have very different views on gay rights and Brexit to our parents views. They do not get to dictate their views and neither do they try. They say their opinions but have never said anything like why can you even have those views etc. If your DH won’t stand up to them then if I were you I wouldn’t go with him to visit. There is no way I would put up with my DF or inlaws saying things like that to me. I went to a friends wedding (both women),DF knew, said he hoped I’d have a great weekend. He kept his views to himself. He might make occasionally negative comments in general but he would not have been offensive about a friend and her wedding.

You deal with it by telling them much less stuff about your lives.

The dog - you don't tell them you are thinking about getting a dog, the first they hear about it is when you actually have a dog

The Gay Activist friend - tricky as they found out for themselves. So options would be letting them rant on the phone while you did something else eg Mumsnetting or just interrupting and saying 'Is this all going to be homophobia because if so I'm really busy?' and then hanging up.

Basically they need DH more than he needs them. Your DH already seems to have mastered tuning them out. Take his lead and FFS don't start inviting them round, arranging to meet up, planning Christmas or making any effort to see/phone/contact them that isn't driven by your DH.

His dad also said 'i don't understand why (me) couldn't keep her trap shut'. They don't know I heard.

Fucking hell, Carrotcake.
You are spot-on with "controlling", huh?
Your delighful FiL feels 100% entitled to only have opinions that he approves of expressed in his presence, doesn't he?

I am possibly old enough to be your mother, & decades of experience have left me long past putting up with this shit. But well remember how enraging & suffocating it feels.

This is a very NON Grey Rock response, but my inner Old Git would have taken that overheard remark as gold, & stored it up as ammo for the next outrageous comment. Probably when he's on my turf, not his:
"FiL, remember when you asked DH why I couldn't just keep my trap shut? It was SUCH good advice - why don't you take it?"

But not only do I not have to live with the fallout, I now have years of practice at putting The Awkward right back where it belongs, & hang the consequences. Nasty people no longer want to spend time with me? Hurrah!

You will find a way that suits you, just make sure you keep the honest communication with DH open.
In the meantime, you might wish to start tackling the people-pleasing.
This book is an excellent start, if you're interested -
www.amazon.co.uk/Assertive-Woman-Personal-Growth/dp/1886230498?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Great post @AnnaMagnani, especially this:

The Gay Activist friend - tricky as they found out for themselves. So options would be letting them rant on the phone while you did something else eg Mumsnetting or just interrupting and saying 'Is this all going to be homophobia because if so I'm really busy?' and then hanging up.

Which somewhat reminds me of a technique I cribbed from good old mumsnet - when a bossyboots makes yet another Unfortunate Remark, simply hold your hand up & very politely say
"Could I just stop you there?"

They tend to stop, because they are waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The technique is - you don't drop it.
You either immediately walk away, or immediately start talking to someone else as if The Remark had not even happened.

Takes some ovaries, but so effective, & the satisfaction is golden.

We must have the same inlaws. My FIL tries to exert dominance over every decision or situation that my H is stupid enough to mention to them. He criticises, is a naysayer and doommonger. I can’t stand it. He corners me and tries to to intimate me into his way of thinking. It’s beyond irritating.

My sympathies, @Voomster953.

No flowers, that level or irritation requires

May I ask, have you ever just gone for it, & advised FiL to fuck right off?
(The cornering would be more than I could deal with ...)

If my pil were homophones, made disgusting remarks about my friends and spoke about me keeping my trap shut I would never see or speak to them again. You are under no obligation to. And why on earth did your dh tolerate them ranting for an hour without telling them to wind their necks in and sticking up for you?

Homophobic, not homophones 🙄