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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advice regarding DP and sex life

53 replies

Smellycat54 · 08/05/2021 08:50

NC for this. Will try to keep it as brief as possible.

There's an age gap between dp and I. I'm 36 he's 47. We are really happy, built a good life together, my dc love him and we are due to get married at Christmas. We get on brilliantly but our sex life is lacking.

He has been open and honest about his low libido and he takes viagra. For this reason sex is never very spontaneous but I'm ok with that. We still do it 1-2 times a month which is ok with me.

But I also know he has a particular fetish. I've seen his internet history. It's nothing disgusting or illegal (!!) but I suppose it would be considered taboo. He never disclosed this to me, I only found out about a year ago by chance. Since then I've felt shit about our sex like. I'm questioning whether he really does have low libido or if it's me who just doesn't do it for him. I've gently broached the issue of trying out this fetish together (it's not something that does it for me at all but I'd be willing to at least try) but although he seemed keen he's never pursued it. I lack confidence and wouldn't know where to start with initiating it. I've been very open and non judgemental about it with him but I sense he's still pretty cagey about it.

The other night we'd had some drinks and I jokingly asked if it was something he'd done with any exes and it became quite clear he had with one particular woman, I feel bloody awful now because were supposed to be getting married yet it's something he can't or won't share with me.

I feel like I've made some compromises already and now there's this wedge between us. I love him dearly and this isn't a deal breaking situation so please no 'LTB' comments. But I would like to improve things and have a more fulfilling sex life. Any advice?

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 08/05/2021 08:53

Does he masturbate ? The reason I ask is to find out if he’s having ‘sex’ on his own, but you only get it 1-2 times a month.

Original poster

Smellycat54 · 08/05/2021 08:57

@DinosaurDiana I don't know, if he does he's very good at doing it discreetly! And I can't think it would happen often because we are pretty much always at home together especially over the last year. So no I don't think he is doing it often. But I have seen his internet history and I know he occasionally looks up this stuff - again it's not often.

OP posts:

BeardieWeirdie · 08/05/2021 09:01

Don’t do it. My sex life was lacking before marriage. It’s now non-existent.

DinosaurDiana · 08/05/2021 09:08

Your DP is heading towards 50 and he already needs Viagra. With experience of an older DH I’d say, if sex is important to you, don’t stay. If sex isn’t important and you are happy in your relationship as it is, carry on. But as he gets older it won’t get better.

Original poster

Smellycat54 · 08/05/2021 09:10

It isn't important enough to me to give up everything else we have together.

OP posts:

AFS1 · 08/05/2021 09:14

Is he embarrassed by this fetish, maybe?
He might respect you too much to want to do it with you..? Doesn’t solve the incompatible desire for sex, but I don’t necessarily think it’s an insult to you that he hasn’t shared his fetish with you.

Original poster

Smellycat54 · 08/05/2021 09:17

@AFS1 yes I had thought this. Some people don't want to mix fantasy and reality. But when he let slip that he'd done it with an ex it hurt me a bit.

OP posts:

deadflowers · 08/05/2021 09:17

Don’t expect it to get better, expect it to get worse. It will. Speaking from experience, don’t fool yourself.

It’s sounds like you have a lot together though, so just decide you’ll accept title and miss out a huge part of your life. I did. If I could go back in time I’d change that decision without a doubt.

ElphabaTWitch · 08/05/2021 09:29

Have a relaxing chilled out conversation. Is this one thing you want to pursue ? I’m willing to give it a go, might enjoy it? Is it bwst left as a fantasy for you ( given he’s done it before ). You need to be really excruciatingly Honest and open. Why does he not want to pursue it? He needs to make the move as you don’t know how to. You need to TALK IT OUT. x

ElphabaTWitch · 08/05/2021 09:30

Also, would you consider watching the porn with him? It’s. It shameful to watch porn. Can be quite exhilarating for a couple..

ElphabaTWitch · 08/05/2021 09:31

*NOT SHAMEFUL!!!! Christ, auto correct!!!!

Branleuse · 08/05/2021 09:36

If you like sex, I think it would be really sad to give up on having exciting spontaneous sex in your 30s for the sake of someone with such issues.
This is a legal contract for the rest of your life. Id really think carefully about the realities of it.

Hopdathelf · 08/05/2021 09:36

Would you take part in the fetish? Have you suggested this or is it a complete no no?

Original poster

Smellycat54 · 08/05/2021 09:36

@ElphabaTWitch yes we've done this. I have no issue with it and I've made that really clear to him. It doesn't do anything for me personally but if it could bring us closer together I would give it a try. He was very embarrassed and closed off when I first found out but watching the videos together felt like progress. He has still made no moves to try and actively bring it into our physical sex life though.

I assume his ex was a lot more confident and uninhibited than me :/

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 08/05/2021 09:38

Maybe it’s something he wants to watch not do.
And maybe he didn’t enjoy it when he did it with his ex.
Maybe his fetish seems a bit ‘dirty’, so he doesn’t want to associate you with it.

Branleuse · 08/05/2021 09:45

Rather you than me. He sounds really hung up. He has a fetish but doesnt really want to share it with you, nor does he want to have sex with you much at all, he just wants to look it up on the internet.
He has physical and psychological issues with sex and intimacy and its making you feel shit about your sex life. Id feel shit about that sex life too.
Giving up one of the joys in life would be like giving up flavours in food

CleanQueen123 · 08/05/2021 09:47

I suppose it also depends what the fetish is. If it's not something you could easily look like you're enjoying even if you're not then I can see why he hasn't pursued it.

It's nice that you've offered to give it a try but I wouldn't be enthusiastic about doing something sexually with someone who I knew wasn't into it.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/05/2021 09:50

You'll be sexual unsatisfied in the relationship with his sex drive.
How important is it for you.

suggestionsplease1 · 08/05/2021 09:54

Thing is, if he's a decent man the last thing he would want is for a partner to engage in a fetish for his sake that they weren't really into themselves. A loving, caring partner is really unlikely to find that arousing. The fetish only likely 'works' for him with someone that is equally into it.

That's not to say that your relationship is doomed, after all relationships are about compromise every day, and he may be happy with the compromise that he can get his kicks occasionally watching it but doesn't perhaps need it in his sex life.

But obviously you're not happy with your sex life situation so generally things still need to be worked out.

You do need to get your sex life back on track, but it may not need to depend on this one fetish (I guess it depends how central it is to his arousal.)

Lockheart · 08/05/2021 09:55

It sounds like you'd both benefit from a little counseling here. You're jealous of his previous sex life and he's closed off. Since you say it's not a deal breaker and he seems ok with things as they are(?) then there's scope for you to work together to address this.

SteveArnottsCodeine · 08/05/2021 10:04

I had a long relationship with an older man with a taboo fetish. Fucking draining. I’ve never taken my easy, spontaneous sex life with my now husband for granted as a result. It gets really old really fast when sex is dependant on so many conditions.

Gymsmile21 · 08/05/2021 10:12

It depends what the fetish is. If you have name changed can’t you just say?

If it’s bondage or something along those lines maybe it’s something he prefers to watch and not do if he didn’t jump at the chance of you suggesting it. Ask him.

Itsbehindme · 08/05/2021 10:13

Another poster speaking from experience, you are in a really difficult situation and somewhat similar to mine was. I really thought/hoped things would get better, and they might have sightly for a month or so, but zooming out it was longer term trajectory of going from bad to a lot worse. Looking back, I was fooling myself, I was stupid.

My DH is a good kind man, we've lovely home, kids, excellent jobs and finances, good health. But the reality is that there is a huge gap in my life. It's an awful situation to be in a relationship where you want sex and your partner does not, over the long term. Even when we do, he makes no effort.

We've had counselling, and in my mind it changes as soon as youngest finishes A level. At that point I'll move on.

Side note: thinking what the hell fetish is the OP talking about? You don't need to post reply. I'm just reflecting/thinking as I write (for what me is a difficult post)

BowserJr · 08/05/2021 10:18

The thing is, even if you did get him to do it with you, if it's not something that you enjoy and you're only doing it for him, what is the point? Does he make as many sacrifices and compromises to please and satisfy you sexually? Doesn't sound like it to me. Why are you the one doing all of tne compromise?

Original poster

Smellycat54 · 08/05/2021 10:21

The fetish surrounds food and mess. I believe it's official name is sploshing. Harmless really but not something I find particularly sexy.

OP posts:

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