Need advice regarding DP and sex life

[Smellycat54]

NC for this. Will try to keep it as brief as possible.

There's an age gap between dp and I. I'm 36 he's 47. We are really happy, built a good life together, my dc love him and we are due to get married at Christmas. We get on brilliantly but our sex life is lacking.

He has been open and honest about his low libido and he takes viagra. For this reason sex is never very spontaneous but I'm ok with that. We still do it 1-2 times a month which is ok with me.

But I also know he has a particular fetish. I've seen his internet history. It's nothing disgusting or illegal (!!) but I suppose it would be considered taboo. He never disclosed this to me, I only found out about a year ago by chance. Since then I've felt shit about our sex like. I'm questioning whether he really does have low libido or if it's me who just doesn't do it for him. I've gently broached the issue of trying out this fetish together (it's not something that does it for me at all but I'd be willing to at least try) but although he seemed keen he's never pursued it. I lack confidence and wouldn't know where to start with initiating it. I've been very open and non judgemental about it with him but I sense he's still pretty cagey about it.

The other night we'd had some drinks and I jokingly asked if it was something he'd done with any exes and it became quite clear he had with one particular woman, I feel bloody awful now because were supposed to be getting married yet it's something he can't or won't share with me.

I feel like I've made some compromises already and now there's this wedge between us. I love him dearly and this isn't a deal breaking situation so please no 'LTB' comments. But I would like to improve things and have a more fulfilling sex life. Any advice?

This is a Trainwreck in slow motion OP.

You only get one life and like others have said it's not going to get better if he's already having to take Viagra.

If you can hand on heart say that in 20 years time you won't regret moving on and finding someone who has a matched sex drive to you then carry on, but otherwise don't minimise its importance to you and don't hang about.

Is your DP on any medication, does he drink a lot, has he got a high stress job, any kids from past relationships etc?

"Is your DP on any medication, does he drink a lot, has he got a high stress job, any kids from past relationships etc?"

Yes all of the above. Except kids. I only have dc from a previous relationship. I do see what you're all saying but I don't have a massive sex drive myself. I'm happy with the frequency I just wish we could be a bit more open with each other.

We love each other. I don't want to lose him and the life we have built.

It could be a lot worse in terms of a fetish. At least it does nothing for you rather than disgusts you. If the issue is that he ex did it and you haven’t that’s easily solved isn’t it?

The only way I could indulge that particular fetish is to be as drunk as a skunk. I would be laughing too much. I think you have to accept you will never be satisfied by him

Just to be clear, when you say mess your not meaning poo are you?

If it’s just food mess it isn’t that bad, absolutely not my cup of tea- getting crap in your hair is no fun, but it’s not as bad as fetishes go.

@Gymsmile21 no!!!! Absolutely just food. Nothing disgusting thank god.

Yes I feel exactly the same, like I'd laugh rather than be sexy. It just seems really silly to me but obviously I wouldn't say that to him.

This sounds like a disaster. A big drinker, high stress, requiring Viagra.... Probably other health issues, or potential ones due to the above. I'm sorry to say it's a downhill slope health-wise from late 40s unless you take responsibility and look after yourself.
You're in the prime of your life. You're awfully young to write off a sex life and settle for someone who won't open up to you and leaves you feeling unhappy. You must know this, or you wouldn't have posted.

I think you would find he knows the fantasy is better than the reality of it. Showering afterwards when you just want to relax, changing all the bed sheets, wiping down sticky fingers from the headboard...etc. Pain in the arse! I would just ask him outright, do you want to do it together or do you just like watching it instead?

Can it be a giggle though, is that so wrong. Or is he looking for a different kind of vibe? I know a lady who loves sitting in cakes. Can't say I particularly get it, but she seems to have a good giggle.
Can you start small? Easier to lick some caramel than douse yourself in beans lol. But then I know people go more extreme(messy) with it, especially if they're into the humiliation side of things.

Have you considered initiating this, or partially if it's less embarrassing for you, yourself? It seems to me neither of you are good at talking about sex with each other, which is the root of the problem - and while there's not a huge amount you can do about that, one of you needs to take the bull by the horns (so to speak!) or you're going to get nowhere.

If you're happy to give this fetish a try to see if he responds to it, start small. Buy some massive cream cakes or something, ask him if he'd like to do X or Y with them while you're eating them - ask him lightly (not mocking, of course, you don't want to embarrass him, but make it clear you're not starting A Big Talk about it, just lightly indulging him a bit).

And/or, next time you are having sex, try a bit of very light dirty talk about it. Make it clear you're open to it but with a throwaway enough comment that it's not a big deal.

Good luck!

Yeah. What @Gymsmile21 said. Is it best left as fantasy? Maybe discuss other things you can do together? Is there anything YOU want to try op? Maybe you guys need to get the fun back into sex and maybe not take it so seriously. Seems you are both a bit ‘shy’ or embarrassed talking about it. You need to find the fun in your relationship overall I think. This will lead to a better less stressed sex life I think.

I'd never heard of this, but I've just realised that my boyfriend's food play could be leading to this. Food in your hair isn't fun. I agree that you both need to be more open. Before that you need to decide exactly what you would like sexually. My boyfriend has ED. We are both heading to mid 50's. We are both having a satisfactory sex life, by asking for what we want. My sex drive now, post menopause isn't what it was. I had a extremely high sex drive. Given that yours is low, in the 15/20 years posters are talking about it might be non-existent. So I can see why you wouldn't want to give up your life for sex.
What would be a deal breaker is him keeping himself healthy. There's an eleven year age gap which will show if you are in your 60's and him a knackered 70's. He doesn't sound as though he's up for compromise and that will creep into other areas and worsen. I have friends who have age different relationships, it only works if the man works on not turning into a grumpy 'old' man. Or will accept their partners doing their own hobbies. It needs absolute honesty, though.

Don't do the fetish thing with him. He knows you are not into it and it will be awful and deflating for both of you. This will not improve your sex life. It will almost certainly make things worse.

You can't have a more fulfilling sex life with him. Either accept how things are, have an open marriage so you can have fulfilling sex with someone else, or end the relationship.

Does he make as many sacrifices and compromises to please and satisfy you sexually?

Well quite, Bowser. But it would appear not, as:
he takes viagra. For this reason sex is never very spontaneous but I'm ok with that

& OP says they will then have sex once or twice a month.
So the sex they ARE having is entirely phallocentric. i.e. - all about him.
Unless he has taken his viagra, it sounds like OP doesn't see any action.

What is it with some men, that unless THEY have an erection, sexual intimacy won't be on the table? Is it really beyond his ability to give OP a good time without an erection or penetrative sex?

Perhaps he finds the image of this fun but having tried it with an ex knows that the reality isn't the same as the fantasy. Sometimes keeping fantasy and reality apart is ok. If he knows you're not into it and would only be doing it for him it may not be that appealing. When we first started as you may say 'being intimate' we had a long talk about what we would and wouldn't do and what I realised was that he wouldn't do anything I didn't enjoy.

Is it really beyond his ability to give OP a good time without an erection or penetrative sex?

Strange thing to own up to on MN but we were both virgins when we married. Doesn't mean we didn't spend some wet afternoons in his flat exploring each others bodies. We learned a lot together and could spend several hours having fun together.

Maybe cut down on the level of his Alcohol intake, and offer him a Warm Apple Pie to Play with whilst you are alone together?

High Alcohol levels can damage the tiny capillary veins that supply the nerve endings to the body, and In turn when they are damaged they result in loss of sensation and function, that can amounts to other things eventually result in impotency.
I suspect that this could be part of the cause of this mans problem, and the need for him to use Viagra. The fetish is something that l have come across before, and after the American Pie movies, a lot of Copy Cat behaviour took place with mock ups of the Apple Pie Scene, some resulting in a trip to A&E if the product was too hot for its intended purpose, but apparently a surprisingly realistic sensation when comfortably warm.

Not though l ever tried it myself, but l Nursed someone who had!

What happens when you watch porn together does this lead to spontaneous sex without Viagra or is that the twice a month he takes it?

I have fantasies, not a fetish, that I have tried out in the past but the fantasy is better and I wouldn't want to actually do it again, but still enjoy the fantasy.

As for masturbating discreetly me & DP have been working at home for 14 months and I've managed it loads of times, I'm sure he has too. But it hasn't interfered with our sex life.

If you are happy with what you have why do you feel the need to incorporate this fetish? FWIW I would feel uncomfortable talking to my DP about some of my fantasies, they are mine, they don't involve him.

@Faevern that's a good point. I suppose it just plays on my mind that this fetish is what truly turns him on and sex with me is just something he feels he has to do out of duty. He flat out denies that naturally but he's hardly going to admit it to my face is he?

As much as I'm not fussed about the infrequency, I do think things could be more fulfilling for us both if we opened up a bit more but it seems ridiculously hard work to do that. Which is a shame because we communicate brilliantly about everything else. I suppose the fact he kept it a secret and was so shady about it when I first found out has set us off on a bad footing. I don't need or want to be part of his fantasy. If he wants to keep it to himself then fine but when we don't have the best sex life it would be nice to feel he was putting the work in to improve things rather than just sticking to his fantasy world.

So many things are needed for a long term fulfilling sexual relationship. Both people need to be open, honest, creative and be willing to experiment. I don’t mean I believe people need to have wild sex to be fulfilled BUT if he can’t explore his fetish with his fiancé... what’s the point. Sex drive wanes, it’s normal. That’s why communication of needs/desires/fantasy/fetish is essential. 1-2 x a month sounds to me like you won’t have much sex at all in your marriage unless you both make an effort to change it.

Buy yourself some toys start your own fantasy, maybe he'll want to join you having fun.
No questioning it, take the lead, get your sexy on hopefully it sparks his interest.

Does he take Viagra that you take daily instead of once in a while one, I heard they are different, maybe he could look into that and it will help.

Be realistic, don't fool yourself, it's 99% chance is going to get much worse. Your partner does not care about your sexual needs/desires.

Look after yourself. I wasted a few years on my life in such a place. I'm angry with myself for wasting that time.

He takes the 'As and when required' one not a daily one

Tip a spag bol over your tits and ask him to climb aboard, see how he responds.

@burritofan it may come to that eventually! If only it were that simple 🙈

I do appreciate all the comments and advice but I said in my OP it isn't dealbreaker territory. There's absolutely no way I'm going to tear up our family unit over this. But I'll admit it's very frustrating thinking of me here making the compromises and him getting his jollies alone while I'm unfulfilled. If that's what he's doing.

I guess I just wanted advice on how to improve things but maybe it's not a situation that can be changed.