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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS being excluded from bloody minecraft realm- feels a bit bullying

45 replies

Rollercoaster21 · 08/05/2021 07:34

My DS is 13 and one of the kids in school that he knows has his own minecraft ‘realm’. All DS’s mates are on it & playing all the time but the kid who created it has refused to add my DS 3 times now (it seems to be a power thing) and my DS is really feeling sad & excluded as all the friends he normally games with are in this bloody realm & it’s all they talk about.

Urgh, i hate all this online shit but Aibu to not have a clue how to handle it. DS is a young 13 but I still feel it’s too old to go to the parents. I have tried to talk to him and say that it’s just a game, ignore it, don’t worry etc but as it’s all people are talking about in school, I can see why he’s feeling excluded and sad.

OP posts:
Yay4spring · 08/05/2021 08:02

I would speak to the school and ask them about it. It doesn’t happen in school time but it’s a group of friends from school. I’m sure it is a situation they will have come across or be able to offer support on.

Our eldest has just started secondary school and they take child wellbeing so much more seriously than they did way back when I was at school. I’ve been so impressed with the support we’ve been offered when he struggled a little with the transition from primary.

In our school, it was his head of year that got all the support in place. Just little things that changed everything. Your child is unhappy about a situation that both they and you aren’t sure how to handle so personally I would send his head of year an email asking if they have any advice on situation.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 08/05/2021 08:11

Minecraft is a great game - creative, strategic, collaborative and fun. It's really crap of this child to exclude your DS. Ultimately, though, if it's his realm, he does not have to accept anyone he doesn't want. Does he have friends who do other hobbies? Does he play any other games? I think distancing himself might be the only option here, unfortunately. If this kid is taking pleasure out of ensuring your child is excluded, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

Pottedpalm · 08/05/2021 08:16

Ih please don’t make it a school issue! Schools are under great pressure and have enough to do!
That said, I do sympathise. It sounds upsetting for your boy. Does he have a particular friend in the group who he could ask to play with him? Does he have an idea why he is excluded?

Dentistlakes · 08/05/2021 08:19

Yes, it’s bullying. Unfortunately bullies are bullies and they will use whatever means they can to do it. They get enjoyment out of it. I wouldn’t pursue it and would encourage your son to stop asking to join. Each time he does he gives the bully the satisfaction of excluding him. Instead, why doesn’t he create his own realm and invite others to join?

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 08/05/2021 08:20

Ih please don’t make it a school issue! Schools are under great pressure and have enough to do!
To be fair, I'm a Primary HT and would be happy to have this brought to my attention. Online gaming issues are increasingly creeping into school and knowing about issues like these help us to put things in place. And apart from that, I don't want a sad boy coming to school and feeling miserable and alone. But I completely agree, schools ARE under a lot of pressure at the moment! :D

Yay4spring · 08/05/2021 08:29

I totally agree schools are under really big pressure but I stand by saying let school know. If they don’t feel it’s a situation for them to help support you with then I’m sure they will say. I suspect it is something they will have the skills and knowledge to help support your DS with and they will likely feel it is important that they do know your DS is unhappy about this. My DS’s tutor was definitely too swamped to help but his head of year and SENCO were straight into it and for them it was a quick, easy situation to sort and it has changed my DS’s experience from hard to fabulous. They absolutely will view your son’s wellbeing as an important to them as well as you.

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 08/05/2021 08:29

I would not do anything

I also maybe would not even say: “it’s just a game, ignore it”, as likely it IS a big deal. And gaming is everything at 13 (rightly or wrongly)

I’d ask him instead how he feels about it, and that yes, being excluded hurts, and how he thinks he could deal with it (create his own realm? Play a different game? Hang out, online, with different friends? ) eventually they will all move on to the next thing.

It would be good if he can figure out a way to deal with this himself

I think kids should fight their own battles, at this age, as they learn from it (resilience) whilst you are there for him in the background

Imo it’s the hardest part of parenting (not jumping in, not fixing things for them) but that’s what I would do

HartstonesMustard · 08/05/2021 08:30

We had an instance of Ds2 deliberately getting killed after respawning on Minecraft by someone who was friends with Ds1. I think Ds2 was in year 7 Ds1 would have been year 10 and they walked home together as a 3, previously a 2 before Ds2 started secondary.

I reported it to school as it was targeted to Ds2, they tore strips off the other older boy who was furious with Ds1 for not giving him a heads up! At the end of the school day when this boy tried to walk home with Ds1 and Ds2, Ds1 told him he was out of order and there would be no walking home together if he was going to treat his brother like that. My sons are best friends, still are now.

But this was pre-covid times so schools were still busy but less busy. It is bullying and a difficult one because of the realm created by the other kid. It is totally shit but I would also notify the school just because they can usually talk to the other boys and ask how they would feel if they were the one who is excluded.

Ds2 and his mates all banded together when one was excluded and said they wouldn't join the realm if X wasn't allowed in too considering they all hang out together at school. So X was allowed to join.

tttigress · 08/05/2021 08:30

Can't you get him into other stuff? I know everyone says "Minecraft is really creative", but I think there are other hobbies that are more interesting and maybe more useful later in life.

scully29 · 08/05/2021 08:34

My ds just did an outschool online coding lesson the other day where he learnt how to code in that you ride the enderdragon. Maybe if he creates his own realm, invites his actual friends to that and talks about riding the enderdragon that might help? refocus things abit to upping his coding skills etc?

motherloaded · 08/05/2021 08:38

I would speak to the school

why?

If the others don't want to invite a child, it's entirely their right. It's harsh, but you have to learn you are not

You could raise the issue if he was accepted and THEN mocked on the chat.

We keep hearing about learning to stand up for yourself, not be afraid etc, you can't force children to invite others.

Pretty sure minecraft worlds and realms have limits on them, haven't they?

Yay4spring · 08/05/2021 08:43

@motherloaded - because they can help. Whether is it is bullying or a case of Op’s DS needing support to build resilience or a bit of both or something else entirely, they are professionals who can advice, support and provide solutions.
It is useful to have advice from someone who knows your child in a professional capacity, who has seen this before, is not emotionally invested themselves & isn’t personally triggered.

chipshopElvis · 08/05/2021 08:44

If he makes a very cool realm, they may come to him. The other friends should come anyway really if they realise your ds is being excluded. It's pretty shit to leave him out.

motherloaded · 08/05/2021 08:46

Fair point Yay4spring

I think I misunderstood and took it as expecting the school to force a child to invite another.

Gymsmile21 · 08/05/2021 08:47

It’s a big deal to your son. I understand that it’s shit for him. Nothing you can do though. This is life, it’s not fair and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.

Horrible lesson to learn at any age really.

Yay4spring · 08/05/2021 08:47

All children are different and can need support in different areas. If a child was struggling academically then a school would expect to discuss this with parents and put a more personalised plan in place to help them. Some children need a little more help emotionally and my experience has been that my children’s teachers have seen this as part of their role too and have offered my child support that I could never offer... as, probably unsurprisingly, I had/have the same struggles myself(!)

Yay4spring · 08/05/2021 08:49

@motherloaded - reading back my posts... I can see it comes across that way. I appreciate being able to clarify what I meant.

Original poster
Rollercoaster21 · 08/05/2021 08:50

I definitely don’t want anyone to force this child to add my child no matter how pissed off I am about it. Its a hard one to handle though- I won’t go to the school yet but DS does get on very well with his form tutor and she’s brilliant and I wouldn’t rule out asking her to speak to him as he values her advice and listens to her. Just want to try to build his resilience and handling it himself but he’s just upset at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Rollercoaster21 · 08/05/2021 08:51

Am also trying to teach him that excluding other kids isn’t nice and that he might not want to behave like this other kid is

OP posts:
SeventyEleven · 08/05/2021 08:53

We had something similar but the kids were younger, in year 6, and one of them who thought he was the bees knees created a whatsapp group but only let certain people join. My own son, who was his closest friend, was not allowed to join. He kept on asking to join and the other boy took such pleasure in saying no. I kept telling my son to ignore it and stop asking as the other boy just wanted to feel powerful but it’s very hard when you’re 11 or 13 not to want to be part of the group, especially if all your other friends are included and they talk about it all the time.

Needless to say, this controlling boy is now not overly popular a couple of years later and all the others have moved on happily.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/05/2021 08:54

Well, exclusion comes in under bullying.. It's a hard one alright. Most schools do want to hear about cyber bullying. I'm sure the friends don't think of it as this BTW but I imagine it would come under it, yes. What's missing here is direct communication - why is this boy not including him and refusing his request?

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/05/2021 08:55

And as another pp said, his other friends are bystanders and could do something. Of course he's upset.

motherloaded · 08/05/2021 08:59

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Well, exclusion comes in under bullying.. It's a hard one alright. Most schools do want to hear about cyber bullying. I'm sure the friends don't think of it as this BTW but I imagine it would come under it, yes. What's missing here is direct communication - why is this boy not including him and refusing his request?
my problem is that sometimes kids can exclude because of bullying or bad feeling at school.

I am not assuming that's the case here, I am speaking in general.

We have to teach our kids to be inclusive AND to stand up for themselves at school, so I think there should be no such pressure in your own home.

Creating your own realm and attracting your friends to join is a much better option.

ElphabaTWitch · 08/05/2021 09:00

It kills me when my kids are upset. Doesn’t matter why - it’s your right as a mum to be upset/offended/pissed off on your kids behalf. I agree going to the school would be a step too far - unless - this is an extension of bullying that may be happening IRL. You really need to talk to son to check this out. Maybe your son can say to his friends ‘ I can’t play here cos x won’t invite me in. Can we play in this realm / game ( DONT have a clue) instead. Maybe if his friends are around you could ask them’ how does realm work? How do you get invited in? Is there a way everyone can play? ( you know what I mean - word it so that they kind of get the hint without coming out and actually saying it and upsetting your son ). Some kids just give me an itchy palm! Wink

beingsunny · 08/05/2021 09:01

I'd help him with creating his own Minecraft world, there are some brilliant YouTube tutorials, my 8yo made a water roller coaster!

Then he should invite all his friends to join his.

Let him exclude the mean boy for a few days and then suggest it's the kind thing to allow him to join as well.

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