DS being excluded from bloody minecraft realm- feels a bit bullying

[Rollercoaster21]

My DS is 13 and one of the kids in school that he knows has his own minecraft ‘realm’. All DS’s mates are on it & playing all the time but the kid who created it has refused to add my DS 3 times now (it seems to be a power thing) and my DS is really feeling sad & excluded as all the friends he normally games with are in this bloody realm & it’s all they talk about.

Urgh, i hate all this online shit but Aibu to not have a clue how to handle it. DS is a young 13 but I still feel it’s too old to go to the parents. I have tried to talk to him and say that it’s just a game, ignore it, don’t worry etc but as it’s all people are talking about in school, I can see why he’s feeling excluded and sad.

I know people will say it's only a game, but this is largely how kids are spending their time together and communicating with one another, especially with covid. It's equivalent to inviting all the kids to go out on Saturday afternoon together and excluding one.

I'd encourage your DC to build their own realm, invite all of the DC and seek out other people to play with online. I'd also encourage DC to evaluate their friendship group. If the rest of the group aren't supporting him, they are as bad as the bully IMO.

I agree motherloaded, hence my comment on direct communication. I watched this with a group of 11yos last week. It took quite a bit of discussion to see it as bullying and what better options for dealing with the situation was.
vimeo.com/109564465

I think kids should fight their own battles, at this age, as they learn from it (resilience) whilst you are there for him in the background

The fact that you are even thinking of getting involved or involving the school is over precious parenting. Your DS must learn to grow some. This is the evil side of social media.

Well I mean it’s a realm so this child/parents pay for their child to have this particular thing of their own on minecraft it’s not the free part it’s an extra monthly subscription if the child doesn’t want your child in for whatever reason it is what it is.

You wouldn’t kick up a fuss if his friends where in a realm of something he didn’t know and they wouldn’t let him in would you? I wouldn’t call it bullying it’s no different to this child inviting a few friends over to his house to play but not your child if they are not friends. His realm is his online house.

Don’t we all remember the annoying the in person child that would constantly knock for us to play out when we really didn’t want to...

Well now your son is doing this online his constantly asking to join knowing the house his knowing at doesn’t want to play with him.

You can only have 10 people for a realm, could it be just a matter of numbers? id defo get him his own realm and then he can choose who he plays with? He only needs to talk about his epic builds/riding enderdragons and surely his friends will want to check it out? Or redirect him to the next cool thing, minecraft education pack/ minecraft dungeons?

@Alwaysandforeverhere

Don’t we all remember the annoying the in person child that would constantly knock for us to play out when we really didn’t want to...

Well now your son is doing this online his constantly asking to join knowing the house his knowing at doesn’t want to play with him.

That’s awful, you’re mocking a mocking 13 yr old who feels excluded and is sad - nice

OP it’s awful for your child but I would see if he can resolve this with his friends first, ie say that the other boy won’t allow him to join so will they play outside the realm with him? It’s a bit shit of his mates if they don’t help him out with this, and contribute to the exclusion.

Ih please don’t make it a school issue! Schools are under great pressure and have enough to do!

I'd want to know as a teacher. I would bet heavily that there are issues which are ado presenting in school too, it joins up dots.

It’s not mocking. It’s remembering it as a child.

Every street had that one child who would knock as soon as you got home, the one who would hang around outside waiting if even if you said no sorry I’m going to have dinner and would knock again when they had decided you should of finished your dinner.

Constantly asking to be invited to a limited number monthly subscription game is the same. It’s this child’s online house there is a limit of people allowed in. He/his parents pay a monthly subscription.

People are so fast to shout bullying yet we all see the threads being posted with outrage that their child is being forced to play with someone they don’t want to either.

You can’t have it both ways. Unless the realm boy is saying “if you leave to play with him I’ll never let you in the realm again” his not bullying he just doesn’t want to play with this child.

I'm not saying this is what is happening here, but it's worth bearing in mind. I remember when DS2 was into Minecraft and all his friends played it together apart from one of them. I asked DS2 why X wasn't joining in and he said that they'd kicked him out because he would go around destroying whatever they'd built. X thought it was funny, they all found it annoying (obviously!) and after repeatedly asking him not to do it and him continuing, they just kicked him out. Personally, I thought that was fair enough, natural consequences and all that!

Is you DS friends with the child with the realm? Or is it just his friends that are?

There is a limit to how many can play on the realm at one time (11 in my DSs case including him) so it could just be that.

My DS(15) ended up limiting who he added to the realm because otherwise he was being asked to kick people off to let others in when it was full and he found it all very stressful.

There is also one child who he never accepted despite quite a fair bit of pressure and numerous requests because the child has a habit of blowing stuff up as a joke!

I agree it’s unkind. However my experience on minecraft is that the boys playing it very quickly move onto the next realm or server that offers new fun experiences. I can’t see them all playing the same realm for months. I agree, encourage DS to set up his own or to look at some of the servers available and perhaps he can tell his friends what fun he’s been having on those.

@Alwaysandforeverhere actually the kid that had the realm is (was) a good friend of my sons and they regularly hang out together.

And seriously, jog on with some of your comments. My kid isnt some fucking annoying pest that’s bugging other kids- he’s genuinely hurt at being excluded from his friend group for no apparent reason.

Personally,
I would suggest your son creates a realm and allows everyone to join.
Maybe even pay for some cool content so he feels like his realm is exciting. Texture packs?
I'm pretty sure He can set the realm so people can't destroy other peoples buildings etc

By not excluding anyone, your sons "friend" might even see the error of his ways

I dont think you should get involved. If the boy has created the realm its up to him who he lets in.
You wouldnt complain to a secondary school if your kid wasnt invited to a party.
You are too involved. You need to teach your child to navigate this stuff. He doesnt need to be in this realm and he can play in other realms. He definitely wont be the only one not in it, even if thats how it feels

There is also one child who he never accepted despite quite a fair bit of pressure and numerous requests because the child has a habit of blowing stuff up as a joke!

We had this issue with DD. We started paying for realms during lockdown so DD and her friends could build and play together.

One particular child thought it was hilarious to go in and destroy the things the others had spent so much time building.

After many tears, I told DD to block the other girl because if the other girl wouldn't stop when asked then it was up to DD to stop the girl being able to ruin her game.

No way was I telling my child to continue to play with someone who was making her unhappy and ruining it for the rest of them.

There's always a reason, right or wrong, good or bad, that you agree with or not, there's a reason.

It doesn't help to get involved.

I have personally banned my kids from playing with a couple of their "friends", they are younger obviously.

Of course it hurts when your own kid gets excluded, but apart from giving them the means to have an attractive game, you should stay away.

Other kids might feel excluded simply because they don't have access to a computer or device 🤷

We had similar. DS built his own realm, you only need one other kid and others will follow. Is he at scouts/sport etc or have a cousin that can join? School is so insular, turn his focus outward so he has back-ups.

My son had a problem with 'frenemies' at school and reading books helped us. He's 11 now and still regularly reads 'Bullies, Big-Mouths and So-Called Friends'.

The book I read was 'Bully-Proof Kids', written by a counsellor with experience in bullying. There's a good chapter on bystander effect, which advocates the victim making a 1:1, eye-contact level appeal to a strong personality who is not necessarily a direct friend, asking them for help. A bystander who is probably unhappy with the unfairness who, when personally involved, will stand up to the bully by starting a low-level revolution in the group and enabling others to speak up about a situation that is also likely to be bothering them. A good quote:

'Bullies play to the gallery; they need this gallery and if there is no audience they will turn their attention towards something else. If the bystanders refuse to participate, if they object to the behaviour or find something else to occupy their time, then the fizz goes out of bullying: bullying without bystanders provides very little of the power they crave.'

We had this. So we ds joined scouts and is now playing online with them.