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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit of a fraud? Autistic DD

53 replies

MySunshineMyOnlySunshine · 07/05/2021 21:46

I have an autistic/adhd/learning difficulties 6 year old and I can't help but feel a bit of a fraud for how much help we get when there are so many worse off families not able to get it?

I feel permanently really guilty and that it is just me being lazy and that DD is absolutely fine and if I just did more then she would be just like every other child.

She has just been agreed a move to a special school and I keep hearing of children who struggle so much worse at school not be allowed it. We have a substantial respite package and again, there are children and families who need it so much more, we only got it because school nagged for a respite package and the LA relented.

I'm just finding it all a bit hard to accept that she needs any of it. AIBU to feel a bit of a fraud?

OP posts:
queenjaneappro · 07/05/2021 21:51

Any respite / support is notoriously hard to get, you will have been thoroughly assessed - so if you get it you obviously qualify for it.
Don't give yourself a hard time.

Lwg87 · 07/05/2021 21:53

The problem isn't that you ARE getting it. The problem is that others aren't. Don't feel guilty and be glad the system is working for you

Teenageromance · 07/05/2021 21:53

Your dd isn’t struggling because of the suppport that has been put in place. If she had to go to a mainstream school without support she would not be able to cope. Your post is a strange one - I’m not sure what you want people to say.

OneEpisode · 07/05/2021 21:55

I’m sure your family deserve this. Flowers

MildredPuppy · 07/05/2021 21:55

Its just nice to hear a positive story about someone getting the support they deserve.

rainbowfairydust · 07/05/2021 21:56

Lazy parenting does not cause autism/adhd/learning difficulties, so stop telling yourself if you did more she would be like the other children, it's simply not true.
It's a good thing you have support in place while she is young, just be happy that your child has got this opportunity, some schools get it right with fighting for support, some councils are faced with more applications etc. Some councils and schools are just rubbish! I doubt it is that your daughter doesn't need the support, it's probably just that other schools or areas are letting down the other kids that need the support

elliejjtiny · 07/05/2021 21:57

You are not a fraud at all. I have 2 dc who have autism and 1 with learning difficulties. There are lots of things you probably do for your dd without thinking about it or without realising that most parents of children that age don't have to do it. I know I do. Also it's really hard to know how easy or difficult other people find things. If you get help it's because you and your dd need it.

DinoHat · 07/05/2021 21:57

I think I understand what you’re saying OP - that you struggle to reconcile your own experience given what you’ve heard about others in comparable situations. As a pp has said, the issue isn’t you and your DD getting the help, the issue is that it doesn’t seem fairly allocated across those that need it.

Don’t forget how much you struggle is all subjective too.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 07/05/2021 21:58

You wouldn't be getting the support if you and your DD didn't meet very strict criteria.

Don't be unnecessarily hard on yourself Thanks

clpsmum · 07/05/2021 21:58

My family is one of the families that need the help and believe me when I say I am absolutely delighted that you are getting it. We don't get a great deal of help but I wouldn't begrudge any other family help because of that. Life is hard and the struggles are real so fake whatever you are offered. Do not ever feel guilty your whole family will benefit from this

PegPeople · 07/05/2021 21:58

@Lwg87

The problem isn't that you ARE getting it. The problem is that others aren't. Don't feel guilty and be glad the system is working for you
This ^^

If the system worked properly everyone would get the support they should be entitled too. Unfortunately the system has huge holes and impossible to jump through hoops in some areas. Don't let the failings of the system make you feel guilty for what your daughter is rightly entitled too.

Hankunamatata · 07/05/2021 21:59

Stop worrying about everyone else. Do you need the respite? If the answer is yes then put everything else out of your head.

Original poster
MySunshineMyOnlySunshine · 07/05/2021 21:59

@Lwg87 I think that is the issue, I feel guilty because I see others with children with more severe needs not able to access what my DD has and that we shouldn't get it whilst they don't.

OP posts:
Love51 · 07/05/2021 21:59

You have no need to feel guilty that your child is having her needs met, like the majority of her neurotypical peers.
But if you do find the guilt overwhelming, pay it forward in terms of offering support to other families. Either through voluntary work, there is loads, or on forums supporting parents going through assessment and diagnosis.
Guilt is such a waste of energy!

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 07/05/2021 22:04

I know exactly how you feel. We have people say they can't tell DD is autistic, and everyone is on the spectrum somewhere.

We get high rate DLA for her and had a grant from the council to adapt our home and make an extra bedroom / safe space for her.

It's hard to reconcile what you are given when others struggle to get their needs met at all.

AntiSocialDistancer · 07/05/2021 22:09

As a parent of a child with autism and ADHD and no support - let me tell you I'm absolutely delighted you have these provisions. They're more than reasonable, they are necessary.

Your support leaves stepping stones for other families to follow. Dont think twice about it - and fight for everything your daughter deserves Flowers

Bhappy12 · 07/05/2021 22:11

I 100% understand what you mean.

My DS has additional needs and we get a lot of support, every day I feel the same way as you - like there are families who need it so much more than us and if I just worked harder and was a better parent he wouldn't have the issues he does.

The gov/la/council/nhs aren't in the business of helping people who don't need it, so Yabu in that sense, but I totally understand your feelings and why you might feel like that Flowers

Bobbybobbins · 07/05/2021 22:11

I have two DS with ASD and learning difficulties and we have just got a package from social care, two years after our first application.

But I would never begrudge anyone the support they are receiving - well done fir fighting for your daughter!

Original poster
MySunshineMyOnlySunshine · 07/05/2021 22:17

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way.

I get the "she looks so normal" comments far too often. She also gets HRC dla so again I know we are lucky there.

It definitely helps and I'm eternally grateful for it.

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 07/05/2021 22:17

How strange, I have always felt the same but never voiced it.

TofuQuinoaKale · 07/05/2021 22:22

Fought for years and had nothing except blame. I know how hard it is.

But I don't begrudge anyone for actually getting the support which should be available to all of us.

I know you feel awkward; I don't know you, but I'm glad you've got it. That's one less child being left behind.

It's a huge positive :)

mumwon · 07/05/2021 22:23

a good friend whose dc had possibly life threatening illness as well as other issues said to me in the early days of trying to get dc an asd diagnosis & saying I felt guilty etc etc - do not compare your dc needs or your concerns to others - its your dc & its your job to get the best for them & do not feel guilty
Your dc has issues & needs support -what is wrong as pp have said is that others don't get the help they need because the "playing field" of access is so uneven & so hard to get the help each dc should have.

ShastaBeast · 07/05/2021 22:26

I’d feel a fraud with my autistic DD but she’s not bad enough for respite care. I presume you have it because she needs it. We’re just fighting for extra support within a mainstream setting. Absolutely no support offered to her or as parents. It’s a national scandal and a false economy not to support SEN kids fully. I’m absolutely fuming that a Labour run council would fuck over children with SEN as they do where we live. Probably illegal behaviour knowing parents can’t afford to sue, just wait tribunals to overturn their short sighted idiocy.

Oinkypig · 07/05/2021 22:29

I work with people with additional needs of all different types. I think, perhaps your daughter has “easy” issues which makes her placements/respite relatively easy to sort for the local authority (I might be totally wrong!) Her respite and school might not be suitable for other children who have different needs.

Just because other people have a difficult time doesn’t mean your daughter and family don’t deserve the help, you absolutely should not feel guilty at all. The real issue is that other families are not getting the help they need.

Timeisavirtue · 07/05/2021 22:32

I 100% understand because I feel the same. Ds13 has autism and is being assessed for adhd. He already gets help at school and we are in the process of an ECHp. I always think that there are worse off people than us but DP always points out it’s the system that’s flawed. We also have a blue badge for him. He has often lost focus getting out of the car and has almost hit other cars and he struggles to stand still and so is a danger to himself and other drivers.