Dear Mumsnetters , I really need an outside perspective on this. My DH has quite a temper and can be quite cold and vicious in a fight. We were getting on fine and then one night he pulled lots of feathers out of a cushion and just dropped them on the floor. As I do the hoovering I was a bit peeved about this (he is generally untidy and leaves wrappers right by the bin, leaving them for me to dispose of - but I suck this up because there are bigger things in life) and I commented on it - I just got frustrated with it. He went ballistic , shouting ‘oh for god’s sake !’ stormed off downstairs , leaving one of my young sons asking what the matter was , because he had heard shouting . The next morning he was acting like there was nothing wrong, and I calmly and with no ‘tone’ in my voice said that he had been quite rude to me last night and that doing the picking up after 2 DC’s was tiring enough - but after a grown man was a bit much! I was a SAHM for 2 years after the birth of my second DC but have gone back to work and still do most of the chores , DH WFH 100% .
Anyway - an even bigger row erupted , he stormed off , shouted upset the baby and treated me like I was unreasonable because I told him he was messy and it was getting me down.
The following day (of the silent treatment) he ran up the stairs to grab DC (2) having shown no interest in him all day (because he was working). DC had started to cry - I was on my way over to him, but DH wanted to beat me to it ....DH got there first (taking stairs two at a time) and when I went to hold him he wouldn’t allow it (‘ well you weren’t dealing with it , were you’) I persisted in wanting to have DC back and he held on with a vice like grip, and physically pushed me along the corridor I nearly fell down the stairs . We could have all 3 of us gone down the stairs so I had to desist in my attempts . He stormed downstairs with DC and sat on the sofa still wouldn’t let him go. A lot of shouting and him telling me to ‘go away’ ensued. No I couldn’t have DC because he had just as much right. I was beside myself at this stage , we were shouting and screaming at each other , DC was upset - I was crying to let him give me DC and as I was trying to reach for him he started kicking at me and pushing me away with his feet . I was standing leaning over to DC and he was sitting on the sofa. The mean and vivicious look on his face was shocking too. He then went to his outside office and was going to lock me out I had to push my way in and threaten the police . In the meantime my other poor DC was trying to call the police he was scared for my well-being. It’s not the first time DH has got physical with me. I moved out to a hotel for a few days when I tried to go into a bedroom to take myself away from a row and he followed me in shouting hitting me with pillows and shoving me against the bedroom wall. I wasn’t injured, but I was shocked. I think he just wanted a reaction from me and I just wanted to distance myself away from the shouting. This was in DC’s room with DC on the top bunk and me on the bottom - plus the SC in a next door room. I reminded DH of this but he was unable to stop himself . He has a nasty temper and a short fuse . He can be loving and romantic too, and generous but when he gets physical I feel he cannot love me and try to kick me - it’s just not behaviour I’ve been ever exposed to in any previous relationship and I don’t want my DC to see their dad treat their mum like this or learn that this is acceptable behaviour. SS has punched a hole in a door (old enough to know better) and DH thinks this is normal teenage behaviour . DH family is a bit like this - into screaming and shouting and then it’s all meant to be fine the next day .
I’m worried this behaviour will only get worse . Should I leave ? I’m not sure I still love him because I feel he can’t respect me to behave this way. I’m not proud that I wasn’t calmer - but taking my DC pushed all my emotional buttons. Please help me to see it for what it is ...