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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not care about friend's home renovation?

56 replies

Pedalpushers · 06/05/2021 22:52

I know there is a pandemic and not a lot going on, but my friend is driving me mad.

She recently moved into a fixer-upper property and now talks about nothing except her renovations. I get daily WhatsApp updates about something her builder said about removing a wall. We met up for the first time in months and the entire conversation was about her new flooring and kitchen. I get sent links throughout the week asking my opinion on carpets or tiles and regular before/after update pictures.

She is married! Why am I a consultant on her renovation choices? I don't mind it coming up in conversation but it's just so BORING and she never stops talking about it.

I'm also a bit sore about it (and therefore wondering if IABU) because my husband and I wanted to move to a larger place but our circumstances changed and we are no longer able to, and are stuck in a not-ideal property. She is aware of this and I feel that she's not just being a bore, but a bit insensitive and almost rubbing my nose in it?

OP posts:
beccahamlet · 06/05/2021 22:56

I share your pain OP. The same with people who go on about curtains/ tie backs/ where they sourced their stripped oak floor boards from ........ Massive yawn fest.

maddening · 06/05/2021 22:58

Whilst I love a house makeover or house purchase etc this sounds way ott, that would also drive me mad.

Occasional update pics and final reveal is all that is needed!

Chickenlickeninthepot · 06/05/2021 22:59

I know so many people who think they've turned into an Instagram influencer overnight with their house revamps. "Can't wait to reveal the new sitting room to you". Laura, you're an executive assistant, not Stacey Solomon, pack it in.

ViciousJackdaw · 06/05/2021 23:26

I can see how you might be a bit pissed off due to your own circumstances but YANBU. You're right, she is rubbing your face in it. Of course, she might not mean to but that's not the point. I think anyone would be bored shitless by this. Would it be terribly catty to say 'Oh, you're doing a house up? You should have said...'

Whatever happens, I hope that you are able to bore others shitless about your own new house soon.

PottyTrainingissues · 06/05/2021 23:51

She’s not asking for your opinion she’s sending you pictures under the guise but it’s just showing off

junebirthdaygirl · 07/05/2021 07:55

This is annoying and insensitive. Could you respond eagerly when she talks about anything else and wait ages and be very vague when it's about soft furnishings. Say something like..Oh l'm sure you know best yourself.
But l would ignore a lot of the messages too so gradually she may be trained to stop!!

Sleepingdogs12 · 07/05/2021 08:03

I would send minimal responses once a day or what ever and ask about other things or tell her about your life. She is being insensitive at best.

squidgle · 07/05/2021 08:06

Sooo boring. Unfortunately I'm in the same position. Also, complaining about stuff and asking for advice but then getting defensive when advice is given.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/05/2021 08:10

Same here, I’ve stopped replying, it just got so dull. WhatsApp photos every day. The worst was a 3 min long video of her DH driving his car onto the new drive for the first time 😴😴... who cares!

Gothichouse40 · 07/05/2021 08:14

I'd ignore the messages, perhaps it will dawn on them. Nothing worse than DIY bores, except holiday bores maybe.

UnreasonablyPissedOff · 07/05/2021 08:18

Oh god I feel your pain. I have a friend who built a kitchen extension just before the first lock down & it was a nightmare. ENDLESS conversations in real life, it dominated every meet up (when we could meet up) & a million what app messages with pictures of counter tops asking which one she should buy.
I didn't get it either as she too has a husband but it seems she was outsourcing all the decision making to me & another friend.
I didn't get too involved but other pal got sucked right in & basically designed the entire thing & came & dealt with the craftspeople & went to showrooms to help select the stuff. I couldn't believe it.
We've renovated an entire house and did it without involving anyone other than the people we were paying - builder/ plasterer etc
It was exceedingly dull living through someone else's building obsession

UnreasonablyPissedOff · 07/05/2021 08:20

Tradespeople not craftspeople

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/05/2021 08:21

Os this her first house or first house she can actually do something like that in it? Because some of us just get really excited about things like these.

Warmduscher · 07/05/2021 08:21

I can’t get my head around why people can’t just be open and honest with their friends about these things?

If my friend was going on about any topic to the point that I felt compelled to complain about it to strangers online, I’d wonder where my spine had suddenly disappeared to.

Maybe just tell her you’d like to chat about other things than her project, just like you used to, because although you’re excited for her, it’s just not as interesting for you as it is for her?

seensome · 07/05/2021 08:24

I wouldn't comment back or change the subject, it's incredibly boring and self centred of anyone to keep going on about the same thing without asking how you are.

CareBear50 · 07/05/2021 08:24

@Warmduscher

I can’t get my head around why people can’t just be open and honest with their friends about these things?

If my friend was going on about any topic to the point that I felt compelled to complain about it to strangers online, I’d wonder where my spine had suddenly disappeared to.

Maybe just tell her you’d like to chat about other things than her project, just like you used to, because although you’re excited for her, it’s just not as interesting for you as it is for her?

Hear hear!!!
shivawn · 07/05/2021 08:25

It sounds like she's just really excited about her house, is she a good friend? Id try to be more supportive, she'll move on to new interests soon.

FeelinHappy · 07/05/2021 08:28

It's annoying, it sounds like it's all she can think about at the moment.

When MN wisdom will probably tell you to be really straight with her, IRL I might start by gently batting back some of the carpet sample online messages without giving opinions. You need to be a less rewarding friend in this area and it's easier to disengage from messages than from a real life conversation.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/05/2021 08:43

@Warmduscher

I can’t get my head around why people can’t just be open and honest with their friends about these things?

If my friend was going on about any topic to the point that I felt compelled to complain about it to strangers online, I’d wonder where my spine had suddenly disappeared to.

Maybe just tell her you’d like to chat about other things than her project, just like you used to, because although you’re excited for her, it’s just not as interesting for you as it is for her?

Because if people actually did, mumsnet would be empty
DastardlytheFriendlyMutt · 07/05/2021 08:50

@Chickenlickeninthepot

I know so many people who think they've turned into an Instagram influencer overnight with their house revamps. "Can't wait to reveal the new sitting room to you". Laura, you're an executive assistant, not Stacey Solomon, pack it in.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bluntness100 · 07/05/2021 08:56

I suspect there is two sides to this as you’ve rightly identified. She’s probably going on too much as she’s really excited and thinks you’re her friend so interested wnd excited with her, snd on the other side you’re envious so anything she says just pisses you off.

I think unless you can speak honestly to her and say you’ve interested and excited but finding it hard due to your own circumstances, could she maybe tone it down a little, which I know is hard to admit to, then you need to reduce your engagement wnd change the topic every time she raises it.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2021 08:57

I’d also add op, Having been renovating our home for the last few years it does become quite consuming. So although she’s insensitive she’s likely not realising it.

Original poster
Pedalpushers · 07/05/2021 10:04

@Schrodingersimmigrant it's not her first house but it is her first renovation. I get the excitement but like a PP, it's also a lot of complaining about things and I'm left wondering what I'm meant to say other than oh, that sucks, especially when it's often humblebrags about how long the expensive fixtures are taking to arrive or something.

@Warmduscher I mean you're not wrong Grin I have thought about saying that but it would cause an argument I'd prefer to avoid. I have asked this person to be a bit more sensitive to my circumstances in a different situation in the past and she took it extremely badly and somehow made me the bad guy.

She is great the rest of the time, in case anyone is wondering why I would have such a friend...

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/05/2021 10:16

oh, that sucks

That's actually enough tbh. It's a big thing renovation. Lots of couples end up splotting during as well. It takes toll. So having someone outside being talking to can be a big thing. Just nod and say it sucks and that's it

justanotherneighinparadise · 07/05/2021 10:18

She’s excited and you’re envious. Not a great mix.

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