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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not care about friend's home renovation?

56 replies

Pedalpushers · 06/05/2021 22:52

I know there is a pandemic and not a lot going on, but my friend is driving me mad.

She recently moved into a fixer-upper property and now talks about nothing except her renovations. I get daily WhatsApp updates about something her builder said about removing a wall. We met up for the first time in months and the entire conversation was about her new flooring and kitchen. I get sent links throughout the week asking my opinion on carpets or tiles and regular before/after update pictures.

She is married! Why am I a consultant on her renovation choices? I don't mind it coming up in conversation but it's just so BORING and she never stops talking about it.

I'm also a bit sore about it (and therefore wondering if IABU) because my husband and I wanted to move to a larger place but our circumstances changed and we are no longer able to, and are stuck in a not-ideal property. She is aware of this and I feel that she's not just being a bore, but a bit insensitive and almost rubbing my nose in it?

OP posts:
Devlesko · 07/05/2021 10:24

strange terminology of friends.
At best she is lacking sympathy for your issues, at worst rubbing your nose in it.
You are resentful and jealous.
Maybe this wasn't a friendship after all.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 07/05/2021 10:25

Is your friend Stacey Solomon by any chance? Wink

Sounds tedious, I’d be inclined to tell her you’re not that interested.

ThePlantsitter · 07/05/2021 10:27

God it's awful doing your first renovation project I've done precisely one and I was never sure I was adult enough to make the right decision. I'm wondering who I bored about it at the time. I doubt it is intentionally showing off.

However there's no reason you should have to put up with the tedious details all the time. She's not going to stop if you don't say something though even if it's not 'argg shut up about your fucking extension for ten seconds'. Maybe have a topic of conversation ready to launch into before you speak?!

Original poster
Pedalpushers · 07/05/2021 10:49

I hadn't really thought about it from the perspective that it can be stressful and testing for a couple.

OP posts:
FeelinHappy · 07/05/2021 11:18

Yes, for me decorating involves a lot of suddenly having to develop an opinion about carpets or hand rails or tiles... a million things you have never had any interest in, and still don't really, but still you have to make an expensive decision about. If her husband is not engaging it's easy enough to imagine she will ask you without realising how it's pissing you off. Stop offering any opinions and tell her she needs to decide with her husband.

SprayedWithDettol · 07/05/2021 11:20

See if you can find out Kevin McCould’s number and send it to her 🤣

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2021 11:23

Some of these suggestions are incredibly rude. There is a way to handle things sensitively and telling her you’re not that interested, to speak to her husband, or to shut it is not the way.

ashmts · 07/05/2021 11:27

YANBU, particularly about the humble brags. I have a friend who just bought a new build and I've had to hear about her choice of granite worktop (she just had to go for the most expensive choice and she's just not sure! etc etc), have pictures sent of the recent snow on her driveway cam rather than through the bloody window, etc. I'm not actually jealous because what she bought wouldn't be my choice but it does make you start to feel a bit resentful, but it's cos they act like their life is your dream. She's also single and gushes about how great it is that she can afford this alone now she's got a promotion. So yes she is a grade above me now so feels like she's rubbing it in, but also I'm in a happy relationship but she's somehow turned that into a negative for me cos I need two incomes? Honestly, so annoying.

But I got a lockdown puppy and am aware sometimes I can be a dog bore, so maybe we all have our things?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/05/2021 11:30

Some "humble brags" aren't actually humble brags until the other person listening decides it's a humble brag. Just saying

Pottedpalm · 07/05/2021 11:31

I have similar with a friend who is a grandchild bore. Whatever topic of conversation I introduce it leads to more anecdotes and photos/videos of het grandchildren. Literally ANY topic. I made admiring noises and say how beautiful/smart they are but that’s not enough. I have greatly reduced contact as a result.

chloeb8 · 07/05/2021 11:33

This is very annoying, regardless of your current situation. She sounds very braggy.

(As a side note, not saying this applies to your friend, but one thing that really grinds my gears on Insta is when you see someone talking about their “reno” and all they are actually doing is painting a few walls. )

onemouseplace · 07/05/2021 11:35

I have had similar with a friend spamming our WhatsApp group with photos of her kitchen works. I wouldn't have minded the odd post, and then a photo of the finished article, but she was sending us daily fucking pictures of progress. I mostly ignored.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/05/2021 11:35

As a side note, not saying this applies to your friend, but one thing that really grinds my gears on Insta is when you see someone talking about their “reno” and all they are actually doing is painting a few walls.

I know someone like this😂 They are changing wallpapers, some furniture and repainting and calling it renovation 😂 I just smile, nod and if asked, say which ceiling light is nicer. They are super excited.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 07/05/2021 12:08

If I were you, I would start giving very short responses, I.e "wow, looks fab." "Oh you must be busy, I'll leave you to it." "Interesting colours" and just change the conversation. Eventually she'll get the hint!

If you are feeling particularly bold, depending on the sort of relationship you have would you feel comfortable just laughing and saying to her "I can't wait to see it when your done but can we talk about something else for 5 bloody minutes?'

ashmts · 07/05/2021 12:11

@SchrodingersImmigrant Some "humble brags" aren't actually humble brags until the other person listening decides it's a humble brag. Just saying

Not sure if that was directed at me. What are they then, just brags? It gets very wearing when it always comes back to money. I think talking about money and salary etc is crass, so I normally don't. As a result I think people get the impression I'm worse off than I am because I don't compete. I suppose it's hard to explain if you're not listening to it, but you can tell the difference between someone being excited and sharing it, and someone phrasing their message in a way that's meant to make them look amazing and me like the poor relation. Funny bit is she has no idea how much money we have and sometimes makes herself look a bit daft by acting like she's spending a fortune on things we could easily afford.

SoMuchForSummerLove · 07/05/2021 12:18

God, what is it with people thinking everyone else might be interested in their house? Someone I know has just finished their house build and put a ten minute video of her walking around it on Facebook yesterday.

Here's the hall. Here's my office (room with a desk in it), here's the kitchen (yep, very kitcheny looking), here's the window onto the garden...

Dear god love, did you build it to live in it, or to show off about living in it?!

cosmopolitanplease · 07/05/2021 12:22

Reply to her next house update 'Unsubscribe'

insomniaisaballbag · 07/05/2021 12:28

I've asked friends before for opinions or ideas because I know they have good taste, and if I ask my husband the whole house would just be variations of brown.

But I think it's really insensitive when she knows your situation, and I certainly wouldn't be asking a friend for her opinion of a dining table knowing she needed a new one but couldn't afford it. That's just weird.

insomniaisaballbag · 07/05/2021 12:30

@cosmopolitanplease

Reply to her next house update 'Unsubscribe'
🤣
SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/05/2021 12:33

Not sure if that was directed at me.

No. It was just in a general. I see now it went under your post.

OrchestraOfWankery · 07/05/2021 12:46

@BigSandyBalls2015

Same here, I’ve stopped replying, it just got so dull. WhatsApp photos every day. The worst was a 3 min long video of her DH driving his car onto the new drive for the first time 😴😴... who cares!
Now, that's true dedication to being a house bore Grin
Original poster
Pedalpushers · 07/05/2021 12:59

@SchrodingersImmigrant you're right I think in that I don't think she is consciously humblebragging, just not very aware that the things she complains about are another person's idea of ridiculous good fortune. There is also an aspect that she is herself quite an envious and competitive person, quite keep up with the Joneses, and a lot of the time these 'humblebrags' coincide with something good happening in my life.

She is in spite of how I am making her sound a good and valued friend, so I am going to take advice about minimising my responses when I'm getting irritated.

OP posts:
Sixsillysausagessizzlinginapan · 07/05/2021 13:03

I wonder if it's the same woman I know. Our kids are friends. I've resigned to being the last one there on the school run so I can avoid her. She's pregnant too so besides the renovation she's constantly bragging about how much her cot/pram/car seat cost.

WinniePig · 07/05/2021 13:12

Maybe suggest she join the legions of renovators who have set up smug Instagram accounts to document their kitchen extensions and loft conversions in minute detail under account handles such as “Renovating no 63!” or “Project Home!” She might just find her tribe...

EscapeTheCastle · 07/05/2021 13:17

You could try replying. " Dude! omg I can't pretend to be interested in carpet colours! But tiles I love so ask me then!," Then insert the laughing emoji of your choice.
So you give her some limits on her borefest and you aren't shutting her down completely.

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