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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I got kicked out of the group chat?

60 replies

Putoutshutout · 06/05/2021 21:32

So I’ve been friends with these two women for about 12 years, our kids are similar ages and we get on quite well. Play dates, sleepovers spend birthdays together.

Anyway my friend recently got out of a really shitty relationship, I was so relieved. She met a guy, he seemed nice enough but I told her to tread very carefully because she tends to go head on, she claimed she wanted something very casual. They met two months ago and have already made it official. Then it turned out he lied about his age and name. I told her that was a massive red flag and she should run. Recently she asked in our group chat when she should introduce him to her kids, two young girls. I told her in my opinion this shouldn’t be an option. Admittedly I do feel very strongly about this, everyone has their limits but she asked for my opinion. Our other friend said when it feels right, I left it didn’t say anymore. Earlier today she sent us a picture of them all out for food, I didn’t reply because I honestly didn’t have anything to say. It’s not that I “disapprove” but I gave my opinion. Our other friend said before she kicked me out that I’m not being supportive. Before I could even reply I was removed! I feel really sad, I would say we are so close and it’s a strange situation to be in. What do I do message my friends separately?

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 06/05/2021 23:09

To me, you are a good friend, not a fluffer or Friday friend just there for good times and to smile and nod. But she doesn't want to be dragged down by reality and would like to surround herself with people who are "happy for her".

I would call her and say I want you to be happy and I won't bring up my concerns again. They were coming from a good place and I don't want to lose our friendship.

That doesn't mean if things get worse he turns out to be evil you can't say anything though.

Definately · 06/05/2021 23:14

Was it the friend in question or another mutual friend who kicked you out? That's a really shitty thing to do, I'd be very angry about that.

Babygotblueyes · 06/05/2021 23:15

[quote Pomplemousses]@Babygotblueyes, yes, I can see how that could happen. It really makes you look differently at someone when they seemingly willfully, ignore the signs, even if you also care about them and don't want them to have a horrible time of it.[/quote]
We'd had times when we didnt agree about things and were used to being very frank with each other. On some level she knew she was forcing and rushing things so when I was urging her to slow down a little it obviously struck a nerve. I was still shocked at how nasty she was towards me afterwards - like going out of her way to upset me and bad mouth me to mutual friends. Understandable to some degree but just horrible. And concerning that she could see a good, long standing friendship as so disposable. She later apologized and told me she understood how badly she had treated me, but I could not cultivate a close friendship with someone capable of acting that way. Interestingly it is the second time I have had a friend rush into a relationship which I had a really bad feeling about. The other one was cool, thanked me for my concern when I raised it and we moved on with life. Went to her wedding, was there to support her through her marriage and children, kept my concerns to myself after that. Also was there to support her through her very nasty divorce. I knew in each case it was risky but felt talking to them about my concerns was the only way to act with integrity. I still feel sad about the first friendship though.

Pomplemousses · 06/05/2021 23:22

Yes, it's the nastiness isn't it? Not just that they don't listen to your opinion. I think with friends, I'll give my opinion once and that's it. They can do what they like with that opinion. But it's not easy to forgive someone who has taken your opinion, which was correct and used it as a stick to beat you with.

My friend has just stopped talking to me altogether, which is bad enough. Badmouthing you to other friends really isn't something you can easily come back from.

Babygotblueyes · 06/05/2021 23:23

@Pomplemousses and @Putoutshutout, wishing you both better friends in the future! (and me).

Pomplemousses · 06/05/2021 23:25

Ah thank you Flowers. And to you too Smile

StressMagnet · 06/05/2021 23:36

I totally think your in the right here but...

Your friend has now made it clear she wasnt looking for advice, she was seeking your approval. You dont need to sell yourself out here. But agree with the first posters. Say your sorry if you upset her, you dont want to fall out etc.

Then just dont offer your opinion or be non committal. "What do you think? Should I move him in?" Reply "what do you think?" Or "only you can decide that" so either keepbatting it back to her in the form.of a question or a non opinion statement of fact.

Which, let's be honest is really hard work.

Try to steer conversation back to her, but change topics maybe?

Yes a good friend tells you want you need to hear, not what you want to hear, but it's all balanced with lots of positive stuff too and knowing how strong your friendship is.

If you are close ( sounds like you are) you just say something like I care about you, this was my concern I want to feel like I can look out for you. I can see its upset you so let's put it behind us. Then when if she starts down the line with he is ringing her red flag bells, you say "that was my concern" or "you know what I think" then say you dont think it's a topic you can advise on. You dont want to upset her.

It's all a bit crap. Been there, done that. Our friendship recovered and over 20 years later I do not ever comment on any boyfriends or ex with that particular friend. Never he is twat, just I'm sorry this has happened to you. You don't deserve it.

Worse where kids are involved. You can not win here I'm afraid.

CorianderBee · 06/05/2021 23:46

She's mad because you're ruining her 'happy ending' with your realism. Nothing you say will make her decide otherwise until it all goes to shit. She's blinded by desire for a happy family.

Pinkdormobile · 07/05/2021 07:46

I've been through this. She really, really hated me for saying what I thought when she'd coming running over to see me because of a horrible row they'd had. I also knew he was known for throwing things around at work etc. Apparently I was the bad guy, though...

Our friendship never recovered (I only said it once, but that was enough and she really cooled on me). I think she probably knew deep down but couldn't bear to acknowledge it.

I heard years later she actually had to pack the removal van with the kids and all her stuff while he was at work. Very sad.

Personally I think the real friend is the one who tells the truth when they are asked. But we're a keep your mouth shut and watch the train wreck kind of culture. It's awful when there are children involved though.

M0rT · 07/05/2021 08:04

I have been there with a friend, to be honest I wish I hadn't tried to smooth things over with someone who will abase herself for men but is well able to be nasty to her female friends.

Pomplemousses · 07/05/2021 08:11

@M0rT

I have been there with a friend, to be honest I wish I hadn't tried to smooth things over with someone who will abase herself for men but is well able to be nasty to her female friends.
Omg YES, exactly this.

With my friend, she's immediately cut me off after many, many years of friendship for a guy she's only just met. His recent past shows that he is a scumbag, especially to women. The thing is, this friend is usually the really judgey, moralising one. Not about me, but about other people. So her immediate defence of this guy took me totally by surprise.

shouldistop · 07/05/2021 08:12

I learned a long time ago that people don't really want your actual opinion, they want bland approval.

Pomplemousses · 07/05/2021 08:35

There's that Oscar Wilde quote; never give your friends advice and especially never give good friends good advice!

But tbh, at least if you're honest you won't have to spend time with him if he does turn out to be a creep.

Hoppinggreen · 07/05/2021 08:39

She obviously just wants a friend who will validate her (bad) choices
She doesn’t want honesty, just agreement

theresstardustinmyhead · 07/05/2021 09:08

She wouldn't have reacted this way if she didn't already have doubts herself.

I was your friend. Met my partner just a month after getting out of a long relationship (admittedly I didn't have kids at the time). I know my friends were concerned - my best friend told me bluntly she thought it was too soon. I imagine a few eyebrows were raised when I was pregnant a year later too. Mine would've been as well, but I was confident I was doing the right thing so I didn't get annoyed but thought how lucky I was to have such caring friends.

She's scared. I'd try & make up if you can, explain your comment was out of concern, let her make her choices and be there for her if and when it all falls to pieces.

hobbyiscodefordogging · 07/05/2021 09:19

I agree with what you're saying about red flags and going slow, but I think your approach has alienated her...

I told her this...
I told her that...
I told her it shouldn't even be an option

Whereas you might have approached it by saying...

How do you feel about finding out he lied about his name and age? Why do you think he lied about it?
What are your thoughts about him meeting your children? What concerns do you have?

You'd have teased the issues out in her own mind and in her own way; she'd have reached a better conclusion than being blinded by infatuation or the early flush of a relationship especially after a shit one, where she now might cling on to someone or something that makes her feel good.

I know your intentions were good, but it's human to seek out people who make us feel good or comfortable, not bring us down. Where you could have offered her a safe space to talk and think and slow down, you've clobbered her with your own thoughts and opinions first and made her feel crap - so unfortunately she's pushed you away.

I hope you can get in touch and back on track - not least so you can be in a place to support and protect her and her girls.

All the best with it.

Pomplemousses · 07/05/2021 09:21

I agree with that too star. My best friend met and moved very quickly with her now husband and I couldn't have been happier tbh! There is moving too quickly and moving too quickly with someone with red flags. The second shows a serious lack of judgement and I think you're right; she knows, which is why she's taken the hump.

Pomplemousses · 07/05/2021 09:25

Classic Mumsnet post from hobby. Everyone has to have the skills of a trained therapist and social worker combined so they can tiptoe round people who are not their responsibility so they can remain in their lives come what may, so they can be around to protect the children Confused. No! That's their mum's job. The op was asked and told her her opinion. What the friend wants from the friendship doesn't trump everything else. Ridiculous post, sorry.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 07/05/2021 09:30

@M0rT

I have been there with a friend, to be honest I wish I hadn't tried to smooth things over with someone who will abase herself for men but is well able to be nasty to her female friends.
This
hobbyiscodefordogging · 07/05/2021 09:44

@Pomplemousses it's not ridiculous, it's about listening rather than just telling. It's part of being a good friend. By all means you can tell your opinion... but only after you've listened. Then you can decide whether it's best to have a bit of distance, or just stay away from the topic or whatever. The only thing more annoying than having a friend who panders to you and doesn't raise concerns is having a friend who clobbers you with their opinion. Decent friends go somewhere in the middle.

Pomplemousses · 07/05/2021 09:55

You literally just took the op apart with all the you TOLD her. Now you're saying she can tell her her opinion once she's listened. I assume she has. You've made an assumption here as clobbered the thread with your opinion.

Pomplemousses · 07/05/2021 09:55

And clobbered*

Pomplemousses · 07/05/2021 10:08

Clobbered the thread with your opinion with the added extra of emotional blackmail towards the op; you should tiptoe round this woman so you can be around to protect her and her children?

Honestly, have a word with yourself if you aren't too busy being sanctimonious. Ick.

This always happens on here. An op asks for advice, gets support and then someone performs moral gymnastics to make it the op's fault. What do people get out of doing this? I will never understand.

user1471457751 · 07/05/2021 10:35

@Pomplemousses I agree wholeheartedly with your posts. The idea that the OP should have to put up with all this crap so as to be there to protect the children is ridiculous. It's the parents job to protect their kids and this friend is failing in that

TurquoiseDragon · 07/05/2021 10:37

@Schmetterling1

They met two months ago and have already made it official. Then it turned out he lied about his age and name. I told her that was a massive red flag and she should run. Recently she asked in our group chat when she should introduce him to her kids, two young girls.

Google the fuck out of this man. He sounds like a predator.

Men change their ages so very rarely compared to women, that this alone would have me googling like fuck.

And that's before the other red flags mentioned.