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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I got kicked out of the group chat?

60 replies

Putoutshutout · 06/05/2021 21:32

So I’ve been friends with these two women for about 12 years, our kids are similar ages and we get on quite well. Play dates, sleepovers spend birthdays together.

Anyway my friend recently got out of a really shitty relationship, I was so relieved. She met a guy, he seemed nice enough but I told her to tread very carefully because she tends to go head on, she claimed she wanted something very casual. They met two months ago and have already made it official. Then it turned out he lied about his age and name. I told her that was a massive red flag and she should run. Recently she asked in our group chat when she should introduce him to her kids, two young girls. I told her in my opinion this shouldn’t be an option. Admittedly I do feel very strongly about this, everyone has their limits but she asked for my opinion. Our other friend said when it feels right, I left it didn’t say anymore. Earlier today she sent us a picture of them all out for food, I didn’t reply because I honestly didn’t have anything to say. It’s not that I “disapprove” but I gave my opinion. Our other friend said before she kicked me out that I’m not being supportive. Before I could even reply I was removed! I feel really sad, I would say we are so close and it’s a strange situation to be in. What do I do message my friends separately?

OP posts:
minou123 · 06/05/2021 21:38

Did the other friend say positive things like "that's a cute photo" and because you didn't comment, that gave the impression you didn't approve?

Just to clarify, I think YANBU. I'm just trying to work out why they kicked you out when you didn't comment.

Pomplemousses · 06/05/2021 21:40

Weird.

I've got a friend who is rushing like mad

Original poster
Putoutshutout · 06/05/2021 21:40

Yeah they commented saying how they all look cute together. I think they think I’m jealous or something. I so want her to be happy but surely being a good friend is giving advice or giving an honest opinion. I’m really upset, I know it’s only small but still

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/05/2021 21:41

This is tricky. Her version of 'supportive' is telling her she is right even if she is making shit decisions. It's also harsh to ask for advice or an opinion then effectively tell you it's wrong. She clearly doesn't want you to be honest with her about this relationship. If you want to continue the friendship I think I'd apologise for being blunt or that she felt she wasnt being supportive, explain you're coming from a place of concern and friendship rather than trying to spoil anything for her, and agree you wont say anything like that again. Then if she brings it up again just say something non committal ms neutral like a thumbs up or meal looks lovely etc

Happycat1212 · 06/05/2021 21:42

I had this with my sister, she got with a guy that was clearly abusive and when I told her she stopped speaking to me, some people are just like that I’m afraid 😟 she didn’t speak to me for about 8 weeks

Original poster
Putoutshutout · 06/05/2021 21:42

I think I’ll just let her know, I want her to be happy. And I’ll keep my opinions to myself. Would hate to fall out over this except I really don’t like this man. Something doesn’t feel right. It’s hard but the right thing to do

OP posts:
SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 · 06/05/2021 21:43

My guess would be because your silence reminds her of your opinions and maybe her own worries and she wants to pretend everything is great. YANBU about your concerns or advice, but that will be why she's booted you out of group chat.

Pomplemousses · 06/05/2021 21:43

...into a relationship with a total scumbag. She told me something about him recently and I was properly disgusted and said so. It was pretty bad and I'm not prudish or judgey normally. She's not talking to me now, but, either she'll forgive me or, tbh, good riddance to her.

poorbuthappy · 06/05/2021 21:45

Yeah people don't actually want the truth when they ask. They want validation that they are doing the right thing.
I have learnt who actually wants advice over the years.

SnackSizeRaisin · 06/05/2021 21:48

I think just tell them that you just want her and her children to be safe and happy and didn't mean to cause any offence.
Either she will realise he's bad news before too long and forgive you, or he's on the scene permanently and you will want to avoid them as you don't like him. You can't go wrong with a friendly explanatory text but she probably won't respond. She is probably feeling guilty and conflicted and blaming it on you.

Original poster
Putoutshutout · 06/05/2021 21:49

I know, but it’s not something I think you can take lightly. I genuinely have dirty clothes in my washing basket longer than this relationship ( I’m really really busy and trying to get through it all!)

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 06/05/2021 21:56

Even if he is a bad guy there is nothing you can do she has to learn for herself otherwise you will just get put down as being “negative” and “jealous”!

Pomplemousses · 06/05/2021 22:03

I think you're right, but if you want to stay mates, you might have to swallow that and hope for the best and nod and smile when she mentions him.

If you feel more strongly about it than you do about staying friendly with her, then stick to your guns.

Depends how much you value the friendship.

As I said earlier, my friend won't get my approval on the guy she's seeing. If that means she can't be friends with me anymore that's that.

Pomplemousses · 06/05/2021 22:05

But in my case, if she does decide to talk to me again, I just won't discuss him at all. I wouldn't state my dissaproval any more than I'd lie and say I approved.

Mzy123 · 06/05/2021 22:05

Well I think you should be able to have an opinion especially when there are children involved. I really don't think that you have done anything wrong however, she obviously just wants to hear good things about this new relationship. I think that you should message her and say that you didn't mean to offend her and that is not your intention. Then just do what other posters have suggested and try and make comments by way of happy/supportive emojis as the no comments position has obviously annoyed her. It's pretty childish to remove you from the group Chat though. I can understand why you are feeling the way you are so apologise and move on. This happened to me once and the person concerned was pretty cool with me for a year. Turned out my concerns were right and they totally understood that I was only looking out for them so things returned to normal and our friendship recovered. I would rather a friend be upfront with me even if I didn't always agree but everyone is different .

Babygotblueyes · 06/05/2021 22:20

YANBU but something like this ended a friendship for me. Years later when all the things that were red flags had turned out to be huge problems and they split, she reached out but at that point it was not possible to rebuild the friendship.

Pomplemousses · 06/05/2021 22:23

@Babygotblueyes, yes, I can see how that could happen. It really makes you look differently at someone when they seemingly willfully, ignore the signs, even if you also care about them and don't want them to have a horrible time of it.

Schmetterling1 · 06/05/2021 22:26

They met two months ago and have already made it official. Then it turned out he lied about his age and name. I told her that was a massive red flag and she should run. Recently she asked in our group chat when she should introduce him to her kids, two young girls.

Google the fuck out of this man. He sounds like a predator.

Pomplemousses · 06/05/2021 22:27

Actually, it isn't that you get annoyed with them for ignoring the signs is it? It's that when you point the signs out out they blow up at you or throw you out of the WhatsApp chat or say you're 'well jeal'. Or whatever. That's hard to come back from.

SunnyLovesCassie · 06/05/2021 22:31

Had a friend like this. Many of us spent a couple of years helping her escape an abusive relationship. Got her all set up with the kids in her own place. After a few weeks she'd met some guy on Tinder. It was clear he was "managing" her behaviour and I was,concerned. When I said it was a bit quick that he'd met the the kids and was effectively stopping us from meeting up and that maybe she should slow it down a bit, she told him I didn't like him. I haven't seen her since. I worry about her still.

Tambora · 06/05/2021 22:42

Tricky one this, but perhaps voicing concerns of this nature might have been better done quietly in person or over the phone, rather than by commenting on social media?

Oneweekleft · 06/05/2021 22:50

There's still nothing to stop you messaging her privately. No need to be on a group chat. Yanbu by the way.

GabsAlot · 06/05/2021 22:53

when did she find out his real name before they met?

when i met dh online i did change my name but he knew my real name before we actually met

Summerdayshaze · 06/05/2021 22:55

No way in hell would that man ever meet my kids.

Stupid woman.

Pipecleaner50 · 06/05/2021 23:04

Does your friend have the tendency to lurch from one of these relationships to the next by any chance?

I had similar with a friend, who quite frankly was an absolute headcase in relationships. She thrived on the 'drama' which I just found exhausting after the second bloke. She asked me for advice and I just politely told her she wouldn't like my answer and to stop asking me.

You're between a rock and a hard place here OP, because it will either transpire you are right and it will still be your fault that you didn't do enough to warn her or he sticks around and you'll have to put up with the dickhead forever.