Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Naming daughter after mum & sister but not MIL.

69 replies

merlanguis · 06/05/2021 17:24

My husband has always hoped that we would give any future daughters the middle name Maria as both my mother and mother in law share it as a middle name. The truth is that I don't really like the name that much.

My husband chose our sons name. There was only one name that he would consider (which included his own name as a middle name) and I didn't mind but I didn't love it but knew how important it was to him. I probably would have chosen a combination of my grandfather and his dads names, a lovely vintage combination. Anyway, I agreed to go with what he wanted on the condition that I got the deciding vote on our next child.

We're expecting a girl. We have a couple of front runners for first names but not discussed middle names yet. My husband is not particularly fussed this time round. I really like the combination of my mum and sister's names (Anna Elizabeth) for middle names.

I haven't floated this to him yet. What do you reckon? Do you think it's a bit much choosing two names from my family? Do you think I'm going to put noses out of joint?

OP posts:
Schmetterling1 · 06/05/2021 19:40

For what it's worth, I love Maria (or Marianna).

AnUnoriginalUsername · 06/05/2021 19:50

Sounds fair to me. He doesn't get to demand both kids names. He had full control over the last one. You get control over this one.

We've given middle names from our family, I see it as connecting them to someone I want to be with them through their life, whether that person is alive or not.

Hardbackwriter · 06/05/2021 19:53

I think it's a really weird agreement to have that either of you get to choose either name without reference to the other - and what a shock that he got to go first! I wouldn't have agreed to that in the first place but since you have of course you can pick anything you like, just as he did. I'm guessing his choice include your family in any way?

WhySoSensitive · 06/05/2021 20:08

My sons middle name, is my step dads middle name.
My MIL just told me she’s expecting us to name our girl fully after her. I thought she was joking but apparently she’s deadly serious she wants my daughter to have an exactly identical name to her.

Call your daughter whatever the hell you want.

Darbs76 · 06/05/2021 20:35

I like Marianne Elizabeth

MollysMummy2010 · 06/05/2021 22:10

Mil wanted me to call my dd Vera. Didn’t happen. Will probably be really popular in ten years!

Alsohuman · 06/05/2021 22:29

@MollysMummy2010

Mil wanted me to call my dd Vera. Didn’t happen. Will probably be really popular in ten years!
It’s the now hugely fashionable name my parents gave me, hence always going by my middle name. Apparently it’s very on trend now.
MollysMummy2010 · 06/05/2021 22:43

@alsohuman I had no idea! Sorry to disrespect your name but I really thought it was a bit old fashioned 9 years ago

InconvenientPeg · 06/05/2021 22:52

We chose non family names for first names and family names for middle names. Mil combed the family tree til she found people with our kids first names, and 'claimed' them 🤣

saraclara · 06/05/2021 22:59

Us having made a very firm decision that we would not name our children after any family member - first OR middle names (and had informed our families of that in advance), one of the only times I ever saw amazingly calm and tolerant late DH angry, was when my mum managed to shorten and contort our first baby's name into a form which she claimed as making her named after my dad. And told everyone, including the inlaws, that we'd named her after him.

JemimaJoy · 06/05/2021 23:53

It's not very nice, in my opinion, to name a child after relatives on just one side of the family. Can your daughter not just have her own name? Why do you need to take family members names and merge them to create her name? Confused If you're going to insist on family members names, it would be unkind to not use any of his, especially since you said he's always liked Maria which is a nod to BOTH your families. You know this or wouldn't have needed to post on AIBU. His mother will probably be really hurt too. Of course you COULD argue with him as he chose the last name, and you will probably win the argument, but it won't change the fact that it's pretty unkind and will cause hurt. Why spoil a special time for a silly reason? Can't you just add Maria in there or come up with a new name?

Original poster
merlanguis · 07/05/2021 00:03

Thank you for all the replies/different perspectives.

-First name will definitely be a non-family name but I do like the idea of having a nod to family in the name somewhere in the mix.
-Husband will definitely be involved: He has repeatedly reiterated that I have free reign this time but I wouldn't choose a name he didn't want.He's not been keen on a couple already & they're off the list.

  • We have quite different taste in names. He likes no nonsense (but slightly on the bland side) names whereas he thinks the names I like are either to "out there" or too "middle class" (they're really not by most people's standards!). Surprisingly, the list of names we both like this time is quite long (as compared to non-existent the last time!)
He's mainly agreeing with me. He's be pissed if he thought I was snubbing his mum though. -I'm only 19 weeks and he's sitting an exam next month so trying to not to overload his cognitive bandwidth with baby stuff. Trying to get a potential list of names set in my own head first and then will discuss it with him when he's post exam. The resit is just after my due date so I need him to pass.
  • A long time ago, before we were married, when we first were had a conversation about both wanting children, he told me that he had always imagined if he had a son they would be called (my son's name). I drew up a long list of potential names when I was pregnant and he did not like a single name on my list. I think it meant a lot to him.
  • I wouldn't want to make my mother in law feel snubbed. I like her but we have our tensions. I just thought Anna Elizabeth would sound beautiful with a couple of the names I liked but I get how it could be taken.
-Getting the impression that I should either add Maria to the mix just or not use any family names for a quiet life!

Thank you!

X

OP posts:
LittleMousewithcloggson · 07/05/2021 01:02

Can you combine your family names to a name you like? Bethan maybe (for Elizabeth and Anne)
Something that’s just your daughters but will include your family without making it too obvious.
I personally named mine names we liked without thinking of family members. Both my parents and DHs parents have divorced and all are remarried so we would have upset someone!!

Lostinthemail · 07/05/2021 08:52

You’re not snubbing your MIL, your husband had the chance to mix in her name when he demanded to name your last baby. If he didn’t care about naming his child after his mother, why should you?

And that’s how I’d sell it to her if she ever asks about it: last time he had free choice so got to name the baby after his family, now it’s your turn. He didn’t worry about snubbing your family last time, did he? Woman need to be kind and men can do whatever they want. No way!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/05/2021 09:00

Well it’s fine, but I don’t understand why he got to railroad you on the decision about your son’s name. There should always be room for compromise.

I do think that if anything, the person who carried the child for 9 months (ie the mother!) should have the deciding vote.

For me, I’d be happy with Anne Elizabeth Maria, as there’s nothing wrong with two middle names.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/05/2021 09:02

On the subject of names, my grandmother “always” (for the brief time they were both with us at the same time) called my DS Orlando. It’s nothing like his actual name!

Not relevant but I think it’s quite funny.

milveycrohn · 07/05/2021 09:06

Personally, I find it really weird using family names. It is almost like the child not having its own identity.
As a M-I-Law myself, I would find it really really off if my name was used.
I know DIL considered both DS's DGM, but my DM (deceased) has a very dated name, and I am really fine that it wasn't used.
Choose the names you like.

saraclara · 08/05/2021 10:45

I do think that if anything, the person who carried the child for 9 months (ie the mother!) should have the deciding vote

Seriously? So no father ever gets the option of a casting vote? It's not as though they can opt to carry the child so that they 'deserve' the choice.

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 08/05/2021 20:12

There was only one name that he would consider (which included his own name as a middle name)
So your husband didn't want to include his fathers name when he chose BOTH names for your first child..........and after agreeing to a compromise now he's likleyto be passive aggressive/upset at your refusal to choose as you please?!

i'd stick to choosing names you truly like otherwise it will always irk/piss you off.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread