Do you teach your kids or let them discover things for themselves?

[FHOJfinf18]

Had yet another fight with DH over our different parenting styles - we have a four-year-old. I clearly take the approach that one of my jobs as a parent is to teach my kid stuff. So I do try to check for milestones - see what we should be teaching our kid etc etc - this could be from learning numbers to riding a bike, doing zips etc etc etc.

DH on the other hand, just thinks that kids need to learn about the world by themselves and follow their interests. So in practice, he really doesnt go for any formal teaching, but he also wont think about teaching DC how to ride a bike (or even get them one), swimming, using knife and fork, or any other life skills.

This has always been a bone of contention between us. I find it really hard to have to keep up with where DC should roughly be at and trying to teach them stuff. I also dont want to be the boring one who always tries to push DC to doing new things or do school when the time comes. But i feel like if i don't then DH certainly wont bother.
But what do you do at home?

AIBU - kids just learn stuff themselves
AINBU - you are your child's teacher.

I'm not sure it's a difference between sexes because I'm a bit of both but lean towards the let them learn and explore direction more. And I can't stand hearing family members, often men, shouting out orders to my kid whilst he's playing but I'm sure they feel they are teaching him. "Toddler? Toddler? This is how you do it! Toddler? You watching? This way, this way. You watching? Toddler?" 🙄 I feel like natural moments occur when they will learn and trying to force it feels uncomfortable. I know I used to dislike it when I was little, playing away and a grown up would come over and teach me how the toy works or how to use it the 'right' way.

When I was working part-time and spent more time with DS than DH did it was mostly me, but there were a couple of things where DH said "I think you're big enough to try this yourself now."

In nursery we were sent a 'preparing your child for school' checklist which introduced the idea of practicing certain things whether DH or I had thought about it or not.

If you're a teacher though I think you'll naturally be more aware of your child learning new skills perhaps, especially compared to your DH? I have friends who are teachers with similar aged DC to mine and they do seem more intent on their DC learning things than I am. Often I've been around them and their kids and thought to myself perhaps we need to start practising phonics/pen control/getting dressed etc a bit more.

It's a bit of both but it does sound like you might be making these learning areas too structured, as if you plan to have a 'using cutlery correctly' lesson perhaps because you teach as a day job.

Most of these life skills are taught through modelling and through play and the child watching you do it and trying it themselves (your DHs method) with you giving them a bit of direction each time opposed to an actual lesson which is what your post sounds like you do. They obviously have to be provided with the resources - knife and fork, bike etc (your method) and its a shame your DH doesn't have the initiative to provide them.

So to me it sounds like you need to merge your two approaches.

I don’t really ‘teach’ my two year old things. I provide opportunity and model things but I think everything would turn into a battle if I said, ‘today you are learning how to use a fork’, for example. I give her a fork and a spoon with her dinner and eat mine next to her with a fork. Sometimes she’ll use the fork, sometimes her spoon and sometimes her hands.
She has a balance bike but she’s not told to ride it. It’s just available to her and I’ll point out other kids in the park on their bikes. If I said’ today, you are going to learn to ride a bike’ she’d probably flip me the v and walk off on other important toddler business.
Maybe that’s just my child though.

I think you need a bit of both. There needs to be a balance.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

I obviously dont try to turn it into a learning session but for example when it comes to knives and forks - a)DH would never even think about giving it to DC b) he wont sit at the table with DC when DC is having food but will just leave him in the living room to have food by himself while DH does something else (often chores in the kitchen).

My concern is therefore that DH treats DC like a fully formed adult who just decides what/how etc he eats for example - rather than a kid who only knows what he is given.

We have had lots of battles over the whole issue of should we eat together at the table so that our kid actually learn how to eat using table stuff or carry on as before i.e. DH just does stuff in one room, our kid is in the living room by himself eating in a high chair and I could be somewhere else. So I kid literally has no one to learn form as he eats by himself

Because of our jobs - we often end up parenting solo i.e. we dont often have time to do things as a three so am not always there to model things.

DH often also thinks that letting our kid try things out slows things down e.g. he carries him rather than makes him walk because it's quicker - which is true to surely a kid needs to learn/practice walking to nursery and back. Similarly with brushing teeth, putting on clothes etc etc DH does it all as it's easier, simpler and how we've always done things

Your DH is not really parenting properly. Sounds like he’s doing the bare minimum and no more.

My mother (teacher) used to get frustrated by children who came from homes where both parents were like your DH. They would arrive at school unable to use a knife and fork, do a button or zip, do up their shoes etc. Lots would not "figure it out on their own" but would have to be taught by the teachers things their parents should have worked on with them at home 2 or even 3 years earlier.

Sounds like you have a DH problem, a child young enough to be in a highchair is too young to eat unsupervised.

Similarly with brushing teeth, putting on clothes etc etc DH does it all as it's easier, simpler and how we've always done things

Dh sounds lazy as. Children don't raise themselves.

Forked it - you are teaching her. You are providing the tools in suitable situations, demonstrating yourself how to use them appropriately or providing opportunities for her to see older children do it.

I would say that some children won't learn certain necessary things without a push. I hate to generalise but ime boys often need far more of a push on clothes than girls - DS would have simply never bothered and ended up with bleeding blistered feet from going without socks. He needed to be physically guided to help him learn at age 3.5, whereas DD simply practised of her own free will at 19m and did it.

I think perhaps because of your profession you are maybe more aware of childhood milestones and progress than your DH who is completely the opposite. What would be ideal is probably some where in the middle. It sounds like your DH takes the line of least resistance and just wants an easy life but but kids do need parents input and encouragement to do certain things. Does your DH want your kid to be the one who can't ride a bike or go swimming with friends as he gets older because his Dad thought he should figure it out for himself? Does your DH not get it that the sooner your DS can do more things like dressing independently, putting on shoes, walking further the easier your lives will be.

Why is your DH leaving a 4YO in a high chair?! He's being a lazy fucker. Sorry, but he is. I've always been the more proactive parent, researching what to do etc. But DH has always encouraged our kids to be independent and do things for themselves, so encouraged them to dress themselves, put their own shoes on, brush their own teeth, wipe their own bums.

I'm thinking I only taught things like tying a bow when they needed to know.
Things like swimming because it's so important.
And things like riding a bike when they showed an interest.

Most of these life skills are taught through modelling and through play and the child watching you do it

This is true for some very simple things but actually there are quite a few more complex skills where this approach (without any guidance or correction of technique, for example) results in children simply learning things badly, inefficiently, or unsafely, and forming habits that can be difficult to break later on.

A bit of both. I’m lead by my sons interests and things he is curious about learning, but I also introduce things he’s not so naturally drawn to (for DS it’s craft type activities) so that he is exposed to a balance of things. But I wouldn’t push anything if he was resistant, I’d just shelve it and try again another time.
Luckily DS is naturally independent (not always a good trait!) and so things like putting on his own shoes/coat and using cutlery he is interested in doing for himself anyway.

I think i agree with you op but not to the extent of looking up milestones or worrying about it. Arent you stressing yourself out by doing that?! Like with cutlery for example we are constantly reminding Dd age 6 and showing her how to handle her cutlery properly at the mo, because she seems like she should be able to now not because I've read that she should... Whereas ds who is 4 he uses cutlery but not properly and we still cut up some parts of his dinner.

just to calirfy - DH doesnt literally leave him in a high chair - it's like a tripp trapp chair but i still call it a high chair. the point being DH would just leave him to have dinner on his own while he gets on with things

DH isnt lazy and does most cleaning/lots of chores. somehow it's just when it comes to DC he seems to think that with kids you live with them rather than raise them. He does see a parent as more of a supervisor and soomeone who supports your interest rather than a teacher. So yes, i think he literally expects a kid to come up to him and say daddy i want to brush my own teeth, i want my own bike, i want to use a knife....which to be honest DC never does. Our kid likes a pattern and is happy enough to just use a spoon to eat everything or be carried because thats what dad does. Whether you should still be carrying a pre-schooler is another thing.

I do hear that some kids will literally ask their parents to show them letters/numbers etc but we live in quite a techy house i.e. we have nothing written down nor do we have numbers anymore. We just use laptops and phones - and DH would never ot think to point stuff out like that when we are out.

The most annoying thing - he also spent ten years teaching and has a PhD so clearly understands the importance of learning and used to complain that his own parents never guided him on anything and left him to his own devices. But now basically does the same to his own kid....

So your dh's parenting strategy is to let them discover all the skills they need whilst simultaneously providing a vacuum of examples and opportunities.
Sounds like he just can't be arsed engaging with the effort involved in creating a half decent well functioning human adult to me.
Left to him his kids would be in their teens, clueless over many essentials/behind compared to their peers and then probably getting it in the neck from him for being this way as he has essentially delegated their development to them, all criticism for the failure in this experiment will fall at their door (in his mind).
Good job they've got you. How you're going to tolerate parenting with this person who has washed his hands of any responsibility for how this all turns out it's another question.

I also find that quite a lot of things kids are taught - adults don't do anymore so there is nothing to model. E.g. we never use pens/paper - just phones so he never sees us write. We do calculate things but on our phones/laptops so our kid just sees us on our screens. We don't swim or ride bikes. Music is on our headphones etc

@FHOJfinf18

I also find that quite a lot of things kids are taught - adults don't do anymore so there is nothing to model. E.g. we never use pens/paper - just phones so he never sees us write. We do calculate things but on our phones/laptops so our kid just sees us on our screens. We don't swim or ride bikes. Music is on our headphones etc

That's a bit odd, don't you write shopping lists or to do lists, send birthday cards, have a calendar on the wall, read novels, listen to music while cooking, measure your kids feet, we're doing work at home so have been using tape measures, rulers and plotting onto square paper... I think I'm a bit of a technophobe mind! But books for example I have been consciously buying paper backs rather than kindle E books so that I do model these things.

The actions you are doing are at the developed stage so naturally a beginner would need to be given opportunities to see those activities in a stripped-back basic equivalent. Whenever anyone learns anything, it's back to basics, then on from there I think. you have to bridge the gap for them imo. Obviously some things are innately learnt, like many social skills, but so much of what we know or is 'common sense' is literally learnt "at the mother's knee" as the old fashioned saying is... But it just basically means if it isn't explicit lessons, it is examples at the very least.
We all have memories of someone taking us under their wing and saying here let me show you. Maybe by choice, maybe in response to an innocent question.

@Orangeinmybluelightcup - we do but on our phones.....it's all electronic including birthday cards, our calendars are synced etc. we used to move around all the time and not having paper was convenient and now live in a tiny place so it keeps everything tidy. but it's not like we have pens or paper lying around. we read all the time - both write for a living but dont have any physical artifacts

I think learning by exploration is good, but your DH isn't doing that, he's just opting out. Your DH' style is the equivalent of turfing a foundation class out into an empty playground and expecting them to ask for balls/chalks/fancy dress. Kids only learn from exploration when they are put in interesting and enriching situations that they can explore.