Do you teach your kids or let them discover things for themselves?

[FHOJfinf18]

Had yet another fight with DH over our different parenting styles - we have a four-year-old. I clearly take the approach that one of my jobs as a parent is to teach my kid stuff. So I do try to check for milestones - see what we should be teaching our kid etc etc - this could be from learning numbers to riding a bike, doing zips etc etc etc.

DH on the other hand, just thinks that kids need to learn about the world by themselves and follow their interests. So in practice, he really doesnt go for any formal teaching, but he also wont think about teaching DC how to ride a bike (or even get them one), swimming, using knife and fork, or any other life skills.

This has always been a bone of contention between us. I find it really hard to have to keep up with where DC should roughly be at and trying to teach them stuff. I also dont want to be the boring one who always tries to push DC to doing new things or do school when the time comes. But i feel like if i don't then DH certainly wont bother.
But what do you do at home?

AIBU - kids just learn stuff themselves
AINBU - you are your child's teacher.

Bit of both

I was going to say bit of both!

Riding a bike, you kind of have to teach them- and of course buy a bike! Reading, swimming etc I’d expect to teach.

How to climb a climbing frame at the park they can probably teach themselves!

Can't you just ignore your dh and do your own thing

I do a mixture. Some things they need help learning like reading, writing, riding a bike

Some things they learn on their own like doing a cartwheel

Isn't it a bit of both.
You aren't with them all the time so they figure some things out for themselves or with friends.
You teach them as that's part of the role of being a parent.
Is your dh just a bit lazy?

Bit of both.
I wouldn't have a sit down learn to do zips session but I do encourage them to try on their own before i step in to get help them.

Mixture - some stuff definitely does need teaching and your DH sounds like he would annoy me! Do crack on with teaching your kids things if you want to

So will your child be going to school or just expected to figure out everything for themselves?

Your DH is probably just lazy.

Have you name changed part way through?

There’s definitely a place for “free ranging”, but also for teaching life skills. And there’s bonding to be had in teaching them things.

It sounds like you need a happy medium between both. I don’t think at 4 any child needs formally teaching most things, you take the lead from the child or they learn from just day to day activities and modelling

He sounds lazy tbh. I go in for a lot of teaching - counting and letter games etc - but things like swimming and riding a bike really, if his parents don’t spend their time doing it, who will?

We both have full-on full-time jobs and I get that DH is tired so just likes to hang out with DC. Which is nice. But he would never think of introducing say a knife and fork - having seen DC master a spoon or teach him how to put his shoes on or his clothes or think about potty training or basically the next milestone thing etc etc It's not just teaching them school skills but also life skills. He just aint bothered. His reply is he'll do it in his own time but I have no idea how a kid will decide it's time to eat using knife and fork rather than a spoon or whatever

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing yep total name change failure - changed name so DH wouldnt spot the thread (as he knows my username) and failed ;-)

Ha ha! Just wanted to check I was answering the right person!

@noblegiraffe I asked him that and he obviously does assume that DC will go to school but he also assumes that school just teaching kids everything. So I don't think he'll be checking what they are being taught at any one point or whether they've done their homework etc. Whereas I was clearly brought up in a context in which my parents assumed the role of the school was to introduce children to concepts/ideas but for the learning to happen at home.

But it's not just the formal school stuff it is life skills too like potty training, cutlery, riding a bike, playing football, how to take turns, sharing, etc etc etc.....

Is it just expected that mums do all this stuff? Dont dads usually at least teach theirs kids life skills - am totally being sexist here just very fed up

Personally i think there is a lot of space between formally teaching them everything and not doing anything. I do not think i would do much of either.

I think if you facilitate and provide opportunities then children will learn most things without the need for formal teaching but you need to lead in providing the opportunities and supporting and developing the interest.

I am surprised that most people seem to think learning to swim and ride a bike are two that need to be taught. Myself, my children and my grandchildren have all learnt to do both without being formally taught. But you need to have a bike/be taken swimming for these things to happen.

*But you need to have a bike/be taken swimming for these things to happen.

Being taken to lessons is a form of being taught though, just by someone else!

Buying a bike might be enough if they are confident enough to just pick it up, but even this sounds like a step further than he is prepared to go!

@FHOJfinf18 he’ll have a surprise when they go to school and there’s homework that needs supervision! Plus reading with them at night.

Yes obviously your role as a child's parent is to teach them life skills. Of course they need to figure out some things for themselves and self-led exploration and learning is really important. But they need guidance at least some of the time or they will be overwhelmed and won't even know where to begin knowing what to learn!

It does sounds like your DH is quite hands off. Both parenting styles can have their benefits so if you have a mixture then that's fine... but it sounds like there is a resentment of your DH running beneath this and that you feel he is being lazy. Or am I reading this wrong? Resentment between parents is never healthy or helpful to a child.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing he does read to DC every night already but with the homework then unless DC tells him or I tell him - he won't bother.

I mean if it was DH - our kid would still be in nappies just because he didn't think of it

And yes the point of a bike/swimming/football is that you as a parent need to think about introducing these things to a kid. I mean they wont learn to ride a bike if no one buys them one etc etc

@nancywhitehead I guess I feel tired having to think of all these things. I already have to lesson plan for work and teach for work......and would love a break. Plus I dont feel like he thinks it matters...like am the boring one who doesnt let DC just play and have fun. I dont want DH or DC to see my as the boring parent obsessed with 'teaching' .... even though it's not even about school stuff but life stuff.

Definitely a bit of both.

We bought DS a bike and tried to get him to take an interest, but up to now he shows absolutely no desire to attempt it (he's 5). If he continues to show no interest we're certainly not going to force him to learn.

But introducing the idea of DC doing their own zips, putting on their shoes etc yes we both try to encourage these kind of things.

@cleckheatonwanderer in your house does one of you have to think of the new stuff to try and tell the other or do you both somehow think of it?

I get that this is becoming a bit petty but I literally feel like I have to tell DH want to do like painting by numbers e.g. am trying to get him to put on his clothes himself, am trying to get him to put on his own shoes, am etc etc etc

Also there's being able to swim and being able to swim. There is a lot of technique to swimming and different strokes that you probably won't just 'pick up' from being taken swimming.