I hate being a mum

Airrlin · 2021-05-05T09:01:28+00:00

I've namechanged for this as I'm so ashamed. My son is now 4 weeks old and I hate being a mum. He was unplanned and I'm young. He just cries and cries all the time even when he's been fed and changed etc. My mum is helpful with him but I'm so ashamed to tell anyone about how I feel especially his dad. I don't know what I want from this post just to get my feelings down I guess

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/05/2021 10:09

Please don't fret. Those early days with a baby are HARD and seem never ending but they do end and things do start to become a little easier.

Please mention to your mum and health visitor how you're feeling as your emotions are all over the place at the min but if PND sets in you'll need support.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 05/05/2021 10:10

I had a planned DC and I still hated it at 4 weeks! It does get easier I promise. I now love being a mum but at 4 weeks I was telling the HV I didn't love my DS.

BrumBoo · 05/05/2021 11:15

One of the worst parts of becoming a parent is this general idea that you instantly fall in love/bond with your baby as soon as they're born. That's simply not true, and makes women feel like there's something wrong with them if they don't make an instant connection to their babies or being a parent.

Speak to your HV or someone you trust not to be dismissive. These early days can be so hard - with my second born I sometimes had to leave the room for a bit of a swear and deep breath. He would never bloody settle either, but I love him to pieces now. Don't be ashamed to ask for help or consider PND, it's perfectly normal.

suspiria777 · 05/05/2021 11:29

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BrumBoo · 05/05/2021 11:32

@suspiria777

I think it's misleading to say that the baby was unplanned, because clearly you DID make the plan to bring it into the world and parent it once you discovered you were pregnant. You had a choice, you had a plan, and you chose/planned to have this baby.

@suspiria777, when you read an op by a young mum struggling, how do you think anything of what you said in that post is in anyway helpful?

suspiria777 · 05/05/2021 11:33

What I mean is, think back to the reason you made that choice and try to hold onto them, remind yourself why this was your best option. Motherhood is not easy, and of course you will need help and feel exhausted, but you wanted this baby and it might help you to remember that.

HOkieCOkie · 05/05/2021 11:33

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BrumBoo · 05/05/2021 11:34

@suspiria777

What I mean is, think back to the reason you made that choice and try to hold onto them, remind yourself why this was your best option. Motherhood is not easy, and of course you will need help and feel exhausted, but you wanted this baby and it might help you to remember that.

Not in any way better! Just stop writing for goodness sake

.

georgarina · 05/05/2021 11:35

4 weeks is intense!! It gets better! I thought I would love the newborn phase but actually once they get older it's much better. The love happens naturally, it didn't come instantly for me x

BabyPotato · 05/05/2021 11:36

Oh gosh I hated it when my baby was born. I had a horrible time for weeks and I was convinced I had ruined my life. I think this is quite normal. The newborn stage is really hard. But it will get easier and you'll get more back when the baby starts smiling and being lovely instead of just screaming all the time. I think I remember myself saying that I was utterly in love with my baby by 3 months or thereabouts. It takes a while but you'll get there.

Also if you do feel really down and it doesn't seem to get better you should definitely chat to your GP. They can help too.

HowToMurderYourLife · 05/05/2021 11:37

My baby was planned and longed for. Even then I found those early days absolutely brutal and wondered if I had made a big mistake. Don't be ashamed about how you feel. Talk to your mum and health visitor so they can keep an eye on PND but do tell people how you are feeling. When I started telling people I was struggling I was regaled with stories of how they went through the same. You are certainly not alone .

3scape · 05/05/2021 11:43

Hi, for a lot of new mums and parents it is a huge change of lifestyle, hugely exhausting and there are all sorts of hormonal changes still going on. Please talk to your HV or Dr about how you are feeling. It's not at all unusual and unlikely to be because of your age. you're doing really well to express these feelings, if you can share them with someone irl you'll find the help is right there x

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 05/05/2021 11:45

Hang in there, the first few weeks are actually brutal for most people. I honestly think there are very few new parents who don't feel like this at times but there seems to be a taboo around discussing it openly. You are not alone and you can do this.

Take all the support you can get, and if your partner is not pulling his weight put a rocket up his arse. You are still healing and dealing with huge physical changes on top of caring for a new baby. Nothing about that is simple or easy, regardless of the false images you see on social media. You need rest, support and time to find your feet as a mother.

Embracelife · 05/05/2021 11:46

Talk to gp
Talk to hv
A newborn is hard.

Look at the options . How young are you?
Speak to counsellor
Is dad involved? How old is he? What aBout his parents and family ?
Maybe if you Talk through possible options like shared care /handing over to the baby s dad/ fostering / adoption / special guardian ship for your mum etc you will be clearer what you really want to happen short medium and long term .

The main thing is there is a baby and baby needs care . if you are finding it hard Talk to those around you and professionals so things can be put in place to support you and to care for the baby

AnnaBananaFoFana · 05/05/2021 11:47

@suspiria777 What a hurtful and unkind comment. Your follow up was no better really. Even the most wanted and cherished babies can end up with a mum who feels overwhelmed and desperate.

OP, your hormones will still be all over the place and the beginning is so incredibly hard. You will get through this phase. You will feel better if you speak to someone IRL. Do you have a support system in place?

Timestablesaretables · 05/05/2021 11:47

Since joining Mumsnet I have learned that this is really common, having a baby is such a huge change to your life. It's a massive shock to the system to cope with this tiny baby and trying to heal from childbirth. Many of us do get these feelings, I had it with my second child but I love her to bits now.
Call your health visitor for some support.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/05/2021 11:50

4 weeks is quite a shit time. You wont be getting anything "back" from baby like cute smiles and giggles, its just a long grind of nappy changes, feeding, sleepless nights and exhaustion.

All you can really do is ride it out and talk to family/friends openly about how you feel. Ask for help, everyone needs some and people will understand.

MaskingForIt · 05/05/2021 11:53

Four weeks is hell. Until about 8-10 weeks I’d have gladly handed him over to a kindly stranger.

The crying does get better as feeding and sleeping times settle.

Are you breast or bottle feeding? Either way, speak to you HV about whether a change of diet or formula might help if the crying is from trapped wind. Infacol saved my sanity some days.

Igotmylipstickon · 05/05/2021 11:54

There's no need to feel ashamed. One of the most difficult times in my life was when my first baby was a few weeks old too. It was all a blur - so much work and so very tired. Tiredness makes everything seem so much worse. If you can, sleep when the baby is sleeping, leave the housework, ask for help, ask someone to take the baby out for a walk while you have a shower or a nap. Take each day as it comes. It will get better and it's not unusual at all for you to feel as you do. Hugs. xx

Hesma · 05/05/2021 11:57

@Airrlin the first weeks are so hard... don’t be ashamed to admit you’re struggling and it’s not what you expected ... in my experience people rally round when needed. Speak to HV and GP if you think you may have PND. Also google ‘sure start’ they’re a charity which help parents with little ones and they may be able to offer emotional and practical support.
Finally please don’t think you’re alone or it in any way affects your ability to be a good parent. You’ve acknowledged how you feel which is a great start... now is the time for step 2 - talking to those you love and the professionals who can help and support you. Sending you a big hug OP

Billandben444 · 05/05/2021 11:58

My poor darling! I'm sending you a huuuuge hug and a big bunch of flowers 💐
It does get easier and the first weeks are brutal for a lot of mums. Try and open up to the HV and your mum and baby's dad (who could well be feeling pretty lost himself) so they can give you some extra support and perhaps look into finding out when Mother and Baby groups are opening up in your area. One day your gorgeous little baby will look up at you and smile at his mum and your world will look a little better x

334bu · 05/05/2021 11:58

These feelings are not abnormal and there is no shame in them. You are still recovering from the trauma your body goes through in childbirth and asking for help is not a sign of being a bad mum. Unplanned or not the arrival of a newborn will overwhelm anyone at some time, my own twins were planned and I had plenty of help and yet I still remember looking at my son one day, wishing he would just disappear and give me some peace. The important thing is recognising when things are getting difficult and you have done this, so well done. Things will get better but for now a bit of extra help is needed.

MrsMcTats · 05/05/2021 12:00

Op please know this is totally normal. All the films that make motherhood look like rainbows and unicorns are very misleading! The crying won't be forever. Slowly, you'll notice 'oh he didn't cry so much today' and it becomes less each day, especially when they start moving and they can release some of their frustration. If he is crying during feeding and generally unsettled, this could signify reflux, where acid is coming up babies throat. Google reflux and see if he has the symptoms. You can get anti reflux meds from your GP or if he is sick a lot, could try something like Carobel which thickens their milk if bottle feeding. You'll be having your 6 week post natal check soon. Please discuss any concerns and don't feel ashamed. It is completely normal to feel as you do, especially as a young mum.

Original poster

Airrlin · 05/05/2021 12:58

Thank you for your replies, I'm 17. Sons dad is involved and he's 18. His family isn't very supportive though.

OP posts:

Lamentations · 05/05/2021 13:05

@suspiria777

I think it's misleading to say that the baby was unplanned, because clearly you DID make the plan to bring it into the world and parent it once you discovered you were pregnant. You had a choice, you had a plan, and you chose/planned to have this baby.

Kick a struggling young woman when she's down. Have a lovely day feeling superior.