I hate being a mum

[Airrlin]

I've namechanged for this as I'm so ashamed.

My son is now 4 weeks old and I hate being a mum. He was unplanned and I'm young. He just cries and cries all the time even when he's been fed and changed etc. My mum is helpful with him but I'm so ashamed to tell anyone about how I feel especially his dad.

I don't know what I want from this post just to get my feelings down I guess

I have a 7 month old who was planned and very much wanted but my god those early weeks were so much harder than I anticipated! Its relentless and you get very little back. At my worst I very nearly packed a bag and left. My parent regularly took her for a few hours and even overnight in the early weeks just so i could catch up and take a breather for five, use them if they can offer you this, it doesnt mean youre failing or dont love your child! Your hormones will be all over the shop still, please be kind to yourself! Please open up to your mum, partner and HV or GP, no one will judge you, they will want to help you, and I know it doesnt feel like it right now, but one day things will seem different and things will seem easier.

OP I’m sending you a big hug! I was a mum at 19 and honestly the first few weeks/months are so intense with the hormones and sleep deprivation. I remember thinking I’d made a huge mistake when my DD was 9 weeks. I felt so alone and isolated. My fiends were living their lives, going to uni, travelling, clubbing etc and I was at home with my DD. All I can say it will get easier and it’ll be worth it. I ended up going to uni when DD was 4, learned to drive and got a part time job..... something I would have though was impossible when DD was a newborn. DD is now 18 and we are so close, we have an amazing bond and she’s an incredible young woman.

As pp have said, speak to your HV/doctor. Honestly it will get easier, motherhood can be tough but you won’t feel like this forever.

Look after yourself OP 💐

You’re not alone. I felt like that at 4 weeks, I wouldn’t say i hated it but everyone kept saying isn’t it amazing and I kept thinking no!! I was so tired, no idea what I was doing. It does get easier but please don’t feel ashamed, it’s not uncommon to feel this way. Talk to your mum or someone close. Talking helps.

I really didn't like the newborn phase much - I felt so horrible but actually the majority of my friends agreed with me too!

A new baby is such hard work but you've got this! My twins are now 1 and I absolutely adore being a Mum Hang in there! x

Not in any way better! Just stop writing for goodness sake

Actually, I think that further explanation of the previous comment is a little bit of good advice. Taking a moment to reflect on the actual choices she made could help her feel more positive.

Reminding herself that she made a choice, based on her capabilities, self knowledge, self belief, at a time when her body wasn’t frazzled with lack of sleep and fucked up hormones, will help her realise she can do this. She can get through this, find the inner strength to overcome this really dark time of parenting and that better days will come. Not bad advice that.

OP, nobody enjoys this bit. Everyone struggles, planned or not, young or old, this bit is the absolute worst.

Lean heavily on whatever support you have. Ask for help from anyone who can give it. Take whatever time you can for yourself, tell your HV or GP how you feel. They will have heard it before and should help where they can.

Eeerrrughhh babies. I have never seen the attraction, some people love that stage, I loathed it - to the extent I never considered having another. They are such hard work. In fact I wasn't that keen on the first two years but once they start talking and having a personality, then they become much more fun. You have nothing to be ashamed about!

DS was 6 weeks old before I thought “I can do this!” Prior to that I would get up every day exhausted, thinking “what the fuck have I gotten myself into?!”

It’s one hell of an adjustment but you’ll get there.

And you’re young so you have the advantage that you can have a long run at a career afterwards instead of having to break it in the middle later on.

I was much older and I found it very tough, so don't feel bad because you are younger. Being a parent first time is incredibly overwhelming. It's only 4 weeks, hang in there it does get better. X

OP the first few weeks can be really tough while you try to recover and the baby is so tiny. Talk to your HV if you can to get some extra support, they might think you really doing really well from the outside.

It does get easier! I did not enjoy the first four weeks and in all honesty while I did love her, I was too tired to ever really feel the love (if that makes sense!). It will get better, be kind to yourself.

Also if your not using a pacifier, do. It really calmed my dd and helped with the crying!

New babies are boring and hard work. Your doing great and it’ll get easier.

Yes, OP did make a choice.

Let's face it though, there's an awful lot of mis-selling when it comes to having children. I'm willing to bet OP was told that having DC is the most wonderful thing ever, that she will feel nothing but the the biggest love EVER, that having DC is 'what women do', all birth injuries are worth it because you have a baby, blah blah blah.

I would put money on nobody having told her that there will be periods where she feels she simply cannot do anything right. I bet when she was giving birth, it was all about the baby and nobody thought to check on how she was.

The first 4-6 weeks are always the pits so don't worry - even seasoned second/third etc mums find it hard. I've just gone through it with twins - best way to cope is just be on auto pilot - change, feed, sleep and repeat - honestly that's all the baby will want to do anyway. If he's crying a lot how is he in the pram? Honestly I've walked bloody miles in the last 3 months to get mine asleep. Anyone who doesn't find the first month or two hard work is lying even more so when it's your first and a total shock to the system

I hope you don't mind OP, but I think you are still a baby yourself.
You are so young.
This is such a huge load to carry.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

The birth must have been a shock for you too.

There is no shame at all in being overwhelmed.

Great that your mum is supportive.

Speak to your GP and mum.

If you feel this is too much for you to take on, you have other options.

This does not have to be your life if you decide you just aren't ready.

It was a huge, hard, brave decision to go ahead with the pregnancy but you can make other choices as to the baby's future.

Reach out to your mum and GP about how you're feeling.

Wishing you the best.
You sound like a great young woman.

@ViciousJackdaw

Yes, OP did make a choice.

Let's face it though, there's an awful lot of mis-selling when it comes to having children. I'm willing to bet OP was told that having DC is the most wonderful thing ever, that she will feel nothing but the the biggest love EVER, that having DC is 'what women do', all birth injuries are worth it because you have a baby, blah blah blah.

I would put money on nobody having told her that there will be periods where she feels she simply cannot do anything right. I bet when she was giving birth, it was all about the baby and nobody thought to check on how she was.

I can't emphasise enough how much I agree with this! I think it's very irresponsible how it's touted that you will instantly fall in love with your baby and be happy immediately and forever. It's so important to talk about the realities and the shit times (which can happen even with very planned, very wanted babies) but it so rarely happens.

@suspiria777 you might want to work on your empathy.

I'm truly sorry you're finding it so difficult. My baby was premature (29.5 weeks) and I was told then (not by the hospital but subsequently by a specialist) that premature babies cry on average 30% more than full-term babies. Was your little one premature? I know it was desperately hard to cope with all the crying and I do understand what you're going through. If not, though, then as well as getting help and support for yourself, you might want to think about getting the baby checked by a specialist too - there might be something that is causing pain and crying. But please don't worry - it is usually "just" colic (though that can be incredibly frustrating and difficult to deal with; there's no cure, but they just grow out of it eventually), or separation from being held and carried around all the time. It is a really difficult time, so make the most of any support you have - eg to try and get a full night's sleep, because now you are bottle-feeding that can be done by someone, it doesn't always have to be you.

My HV is getting some groups going for new mums. Can you ask yours if there are any groups you can go to? Meeting other new mums might be helpful for you as you adjust to your new life.

I'm sorry you feel like this. You could just be very hormonal a bit depressed and overwhelmed all this is normal have you read up on babycare and motherhood? I don't mean to sound patronising and I am sorry if it comes across that way but babies only way of communicating is to cry so even when fed and dry they may want a little cuddle or to feel their mum against them look at your face or they could be bored of looking at same thing and need a walk or lifting up to show them a different scene, they might want a little swing or rocking they usually like music and being sung to they tend to like being wrapped up in a blanket to feel secure (if not too hot) make sure temperature in room is just right sometimes they like to just be on your shoulder or in a bouncy chair or laying on a playmat with things to look at over them if you have tried all these distractions and taking baby out for a walk etc y are really truly constantly crying and nothing helps maybe they need winding or have some minor health issue you should definitely talk to your midwife or health visitor or doctor as they can help you with all sorts of things and also try and read as much as you can so you know lots of techniques and feel clued up on everything. If it all gets too much there is nothing wrong with asking your mum or someone to give you a break for a while so u can concentrate on yourself whether that is having a nap, watching something in peace having a bath or meeting friends for an hour. I am sure you will feel a lot happier soon a ask your health visitor for info on young mum and baby groups there are plenty round here so hopefully there will be wherever you are even if it is a once a month thing meeting others in a similar situation to you should be a help. Good luck

First 6 weeks with my baby son were the toughest of my life, I was 32. Hang in there OP, you are doing a great job and please know that it gets easier. Talk to your mum/health visitor, feeling like this is normal but please don’t suffer in silence, as others have said absolutely no shame in feeling like this.

Its absolutely ok to feel like you hate it. At just 4 weeks you are full of hormones and huge physical and mental changes. Right now you hate it, but you can't tell yet if that'll be long term. Instant bonds and adoration take a whole spectrum of time. Some instant, some never and most people are in between.
Right now this really intense phase will pass quicker than you think. Ask for lots of help from everyone you can.

If you need to reassess anything about your situation for the long term - you must take your time and decide with as clear a head as possible and that's not easy as a new mum. You can still make good decisions for you and your baby's future - but take some time.
Be very kind to yourself and your baby. There is no greater shock to the system than this time.