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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like this at 5 weeks postpartum?

38 replies

nina3638 · 04/05/2021 16:47

i feel like i’m doing something wrong here - i’m 5 weeks pp and people are expecting so much more of me right now than i feel capable of, i don’t know if they’re just expecting too much or if i’m just really shit at this whole newborn thing.

my family keep trying to get me to leave baby with them while i go for a night out with my partner. i don’t want to, it literally doesn’t appeal whatsoever to leave her right now. i also am breastfeeding and can’t get much when i pump and they just dismiss it when i say that? am i supposed to be okay with just handing my baby over for hours? i don’t even really like people holding her for more than 10 minutes.

my sister is also getting married next year and is constantly spamming me with pictures of shit like flower crowns etc that she likes and then if i don’t respond will follow up with ‘i can see you’re online why are you ignoring me’ etc. i have no reason other than that i just want to be left alone for a bit. i’m so exhausted i really don’t want to discuss anything with anyone right now nevermind weigh up which flower crown out of 50 that look the same is the best.

my partner also keeps trying to kiss my neck etc and obviously i know what he’s hoping for but i really cannot be bothered. he hasn’t changed a single nappy since the first week and doesn’t get up during the night to help me at all. why would i want to have sex with him??

also my inlaws are visiting in a few weeks and by the sound of it they’re expecting me to go on days out etc with them. i don’t want to. i’m running on about 20 minutes of proper sleep a night, i cannot be bothered to go prancing around a beach etc right now.

i feel like i’m not coping at all. i’m happy in that i adore my baby but i’m so so drained, i’m at uni too and have exams in the next two weeks and i just feel like what’s the point in even trying. my brain feels empty.

OP posts:

Toilenstripes · 04/05/2021 16:51

I hope you’re good at setting boundaries, starting with your DH. He needs to be supporting you, helping with the baby, and telling family they will need to wait for a visit. Congratulations on your baby!

BreadmanAndCake · 04/05/2021 16:53

You are coping and it's fucking tough. My youngest is 5 months now and I'm breastfeeding so like you, everything is down to me. I'm up all hours etc. Your other half needs to pull his weight with nappies and things though.

As for leaving baby, just ignore or reply with 'I'm breastfeeding so would prefer to remain close to my baby thankyou'. 5 weeks is so so little still. With my eldest we didn't leave him overnight until he was 10 months old and he was formula fed - we just didn't feel ready before then.

tuttifuckinfruity · 04/05/2021 16:55

No, you are not unreasonable to feel like that 5 weeks postpartum. It is a massive shock to the system and it is HARD.

Your family are being unreasonable. You need more support.

Have you tried tried telling them this? Is there anybody who is actually offering support?

If your family are offering to look after your little one so you can go out with your partner, it sounds like their heart is in the right place. Try speaking to them x

Bancha · 04/05/2021 16:58

It sounds like you’re doing absolutely amazingly. Congratulations on your baby! It’s so tough at first, especially when you are breastfeeding.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. I can’t believe how pushy and unreasonable everyone around you seems to be!

Draineddraineddrained · 04/05/2021 17:00

YANBU at all. I hate this bloody obsession with getting postnatal women to act like they haven't had a baby or that the baby is some sort of inconvenience or obstruction to "getting your life back" rather than the whole POINT of your life at the moment! It is FINE to not want to be apart from your baby. It is fine to not want to share your body with your partner right now, bf is intense and consuming and is more than fulfilling your intimacy quota right now - he has to understand that this is s temporary but completely understandable and normal state of affairs! Especially if he's no bloody help with the grunt work, nothing less sexy than having a useless adult standing around watching you knacker yourself!

Your sister I'd give a pass to - weddings are intense and all consuming too and she's just being a bit dense and inconsiderate - if she's planning on having a baby one day she'll realise this in due course!

Decide your boundaries, enforce them, banish all guilt. Your baby is barely out if you. You will never get this time again. It is NORMAL, NATURAL and HEALTHY that she is your sole focus right now, if that is what you want. Don't let anyone tear you Part or force you to overextend yourself until you're ready. Congratulations on your baby girl

Oenanthe · 04/05/2021 17:00

You're doing fine at the newborn thing, but it sounds like you could do better at the 'using your words' thing.

Of the frustrations you've outlined here, how many of them have you clearly and firmly articulated to the people concerned?

You're a mother now. You need to be in charge of shit and not let people push you about.

Orangebug · 04/05/2021 17:00

The first few weeks are so hard OP. Of course you don't need to go for day trips or evenings out or anything. Just respond and say you're too knackered right now and will do it when the baby is sleeping a bit better.

Also your partner needs to step up. What an arse

megletthesecond · 04/05/2021 17:01

The only people being shit here are your family and partner. He needs to step up, change nappies and look after you. Everyone else needs to leave you in peace to rest, unless they're actually going to be helpful.

Volcanoexplorer · 04/05/2021 17:02

You sound like you’re doing really well. The first 6 months is tough. People are expecting too much of you. Just set boundaries and get better at saying no. It does get easier, but you’re in the most difficult part right now.

FilthyforFirth · 04/05/2021 17:03

I think you are being slightly harsh to your sister but I am with you on everything else. I have a 5 nearly 6 month old who I only recently stopped breastfeeding. I left him with my parents on Sat for 90 mins for a pub lunch with DH. No way would I have felt comfortable any sooner than that. Overnights wont happen for months yet.

I dont think many would contemplate leaving their 5 week old overnight.

Defo explain to 'd'h that you require more help. I would breastfeed DS but then hand him to DH half the time to settle back to sleep. Maybe start there?

21Flora · 04/05/2021 17:05

If you want to express it could be that the flanges aren’t the right size for your nipples! I can get much more milk with the correct flanges for my nipple size rather than the standard ones that came with the pump.

Scrfgkesjwjrf · 04/05/2021 17:27

Lay down the law. Give people jobs including your DH. Ignore everyone and everything else. Just vague it all out. You are doing a great job, things will change quickly but how you feel right now is exactly how many people feel. It is completely normal. There may be outliers but the vast majority of mothers with a baby the same age as yours will have zero interest in all the things you are being asked to do. They need to understand how much you are already doing. If you can feed your baby, stay up most of the night, drink some water, eat something now and again and go to the toilet you are winning and fully occupied.

Middleagedmidwife · 04/05/2021 17:28

You’re doing great. You’re meant to be with your baby and not out and about! 5 weeks is such a short time. I also hate the idea you’re meant to be back to normal straight away, you’re a new mum who is breastfeeding. You need more help with other jobs as you’re doing all the feeds.
I always find it strange when women are out without their baby within a week. This is called the fourth trimester of pregnancy- your baby is born but very much attached to you through breastfeeding and snuggles.

Scrfgkesjwjrf · 04/05/2021 17:31

You have probably spent all the money you want to spend on breast pumps but if you have money spare Arlo Calypso (odd name) are fantastic. They are closed system pumps so you can buy them second hand. Was recommended to me by hospital and made it easy. Some people also swear by hand pumps. But equally no need to express unless it works for you.

Freecuthbert · 04/05/2021 17:37

Wow, YANBU at all. Sorry but your partner sounds bloody useless, hasn't changed a single nappy in four weeks, not helping in the night and is trying to have sex with you while you are no doubt still recovering from the birth. I'm pretty sure you are not meant to have sex until getting the all clear at your 6 week check up. God, he just sounds so selfish, sorry. You are doing nothing wrong though and how you are feeling is totally normal. People don't tend to let others look after their 5 week old baby for a few hours so they can go out for the evening. Your family dimissing how you feel are being hugely unsupportive. Please please be assertive with all these people, partner included. Good luck!

BumCat · 04/05/2021 17:38

You sound totally normal. I didn’t attempt to go out without the baby until 8 weeks and halfway during the cab journey I had an anxiety attack and had to turn round and go back. It was another month until I could go out for a meal for an hour without her and even contemplate sex. I was just fucking exhausted. It gets easier.

Have a word with your partner though, before his lack of input becomes the norm. That’s not on.

ThatIsMyPotato · 04/05/2021 17:40

You are completely normal. I think people who have had kids can assume if they had it easy that everyone else had the same experience.

HavelockVetinari · 04/05/2021 17:41

I don't know any new mother who would have left a 5-week-old - it's totally against your natural instincts. Your DP sounds utterly shit and needs to up his game. He ought to be taking over at 6am (or whenever before he starts work) so you can get a couple of hours' real sleep each day. And he should do a couple of hours' sole care in the evening for the same reason. He'll never learn if he doesn't have the baby to himself.

Can you use your family during the day to watch the very while you get a couple of hours' rest between feeds? Take any help offered, although obviously the notion of a night out is a bit bonkers right now.

DonLewis · 04/05/2021 17:46

Defer your uni course.

Tell your partner it's not OK to do fuck all.

Tell your sister that you need a time out from wedding planning.

Tell your family the baby isn't staying over yet.

Tell your in laws your taking each day as it comes.

Congratulations on the baby. Be kind to yourself.

MintLampShade · 04/05/2021 17:48

Oh hell no, YANBU. I don't get this bloody pressure of having to leave your baby and go for a night out, days out etc without them. Especially not at 5 weeks!! You are still recovering and adjusting, everything should be on your terms and your family should be absolutely aware of this and be supportive. You definitely have to set some boundaries otherwise this is going to get even more frustrating for you. As for your DP, I'd suggest him trying to give birth and see how he'd fancy someone kissing his neck 5 weeks pp...

LakeShoreD · 04/05/2021 17:59

Your partner has never changed a nappy or helped overnight?! YABU to put up with that shit. And maybe a little harsh on your sister but just tell her you don’t have the headspace for flower crowns right now. Everything else, YANBU and you sound perfectly normal. I wouldn’t want to go out for dinner and have sex with a feckless ‘partner’ that’s not pulling his weight either. Nip that in the bud now before it becomes the norm.

WhatMattersMost · 04/05/2021 18:00

Crikey, you're surrounded by a lot of selfish eejits.

I barely remember the first 6 weeks. I was sleep-deprived and dissociating because of that; I felt like I was in slo-mo while the world was rushing past me; I was constantly in catch-up mode and frequently forgot to eat or wee. It felt chaotic. I felt chaotic, and I am thankful for the isolation from others - the ability to shut ourselves away in a bubble and just cope. And this was with a partner who was totally hands-on. We ate when we could/remembered to; slept when we could; took shifts and shared tasks.

When I came out into daylight about two months later, I felt raw and the world put me into overload quickly.

You are doing fine. The people around you, including your partner, are most assuredly not.

WhatMattersMost · 04/05/2021 18:02

Oh - and after six weeks, I went out for dinner with a friend who had a baby at the same time as me. Both our partners stayed at home and looked after things. We confessed it felt strange, and we felt guilty. We couldn't handle wine, got rip-roaring drunk, and decided not to do that again for a while!

Embracelife · 04/05/2021 18:02

Defer your exams.
Make your dp change nappies
Tell everyone you going nowhere for the next six months

teddybears55 · 04/05/2021 18:09

People have short term memories of what having a newborn is like. Or no experience and no idea how hard going it is physically and mentally.

I would not be leaving a 5wk old baby overnight and most ppl would not be comfortable with that. Maybe to go for a wee lunch out a couple of hrs baby free May be nice but even then I'd worry.

I didn't leave my first overnight until she was a year and I don't think it's that unusual.

I've got a 17month old I can count on one hand how many times I've had sex since she was born, it's just not on my radar. Infact both of us are just shattered. Tell ur partner to start pulling his weight. I do not put up with lazy arses and I make sure dh does his share if he starts to slack off.

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