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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not want to go on holiday to South of France to celebrate MIL 60th with newborn and 2 year old?

72 replies

JolieGirl · 14/11/2007 16:30

I am currently 13 weeks pg with my second child and already have an 18 mo DS. Some months ago all of DH's family started planning a family holiday to celebrate MIL's 60th birthday. The plans were to rent a shared house somewhere in the south of france for a week. Provisionally everyone agreed to go 1st week of July next year, however since then I am pg and the baby will be born end of May.

I am really struggling to muster any sort of enthusiasm at all for this holiday. I have weakly raised a couple of potential red flags but even though DH is very supportive, I don't think my concerns are being factored in at all. I am mainly worried about having the baby late, or having a c-section and in either scenario not having time to recover before getting on a plane. The logistics of it all fills with me horror as well - the amount of kit we will need for a toddler etc, and DH's family are not used to children (DS only grandchild) and I can expect very little practical help. The heat, lack of sleep and lack of privacy (trying to get going with BF for eg) with a newborn are also playing on my mind.

Quite frankly when I look back to when DS was born and the subsequent weeks after his birth I think all I mainly wanted to be was at home, but he was a difficult baby who wanted to feed all the time and did not sleep much.

So am I being unreasonable? Should I just go along with the plans and grin and bear it, in the belief that second babies are easier? Or do I try to negotiate going later in the year? Or not at all? SIL even asked DH if he would go on his own!!! (no way would he and told her so). Just need to find a solution that doesn't p*ss them all off (I know they all think we don't see them enough as it is) and that I am 100% happy with as well...probably impossible! Any ideas?

OP posts:

crayon · 14/11/2007 17:46

Could you do the holiday prior to the birth, maybe when you are 6 months or so? That way she gets to celebrate early, they get to see their grandchild and hopefully you get a rest?

Jennster · 14/11/2007 17:52

Not read whole thread but agree with Lemonaid. Just got back from a week away with ds 4 months and dd 22 months. Went to Lanzarote (villa with pool) with sis and her fella.

When I was pregnant, a holiday was the last thing on my mind, but then once I'd had ds, and the summer turned out to be so dreadful, I was desperate to go away. Flight was a bit long. S of France perfect imo, and weather just right. July would be too hot for me.

Babies don't need THAT much stuff. Pack light for yourself and only go somewhere with a washing machine. It will so much nicer in September and I bet you will change your mind.

pointydog · 14/11/2007 17:55

YANBU

Why do people have to celebrate every birthday decade with big, expensive, not-really-that-much-fun-anyway family holidays?

Why do hen and stag dos have to be whole weekends away?

What was wrong with fizzy wine, over-sweet cake and a hangover?

mm22bys · 14/11/2007 18:11

I agree with most posters, it does sound like the baby will be a bit young to even get a passport in time....let alone getting into a routine when you already have one child.

However, babies are much easier to travel with than toddlers, especially if they are just being bf!

I'd see if they can't put it off for at least a couple of months - if they don't really want to accommodate you, then maybe they don't want you there that much - meant in the nicest possible way -if you weren't going to be missed, don't feel bad about not going!

chocchipcookie · 14/11/2007 18:37

It is an insane idea, don't go then or anytime next year, take them out to dinner when they get back.

LilianGish · 14/11/2007 18:41

YANBU. I would say you can't begin to think about it until the baby is born. I agree with Winkywinky - whatever happened to going out for lunch/dinner - having a party at home?!

ItsGrimUpNorth · 14/11/2007 18:47

I think it's unreasonable to expect other people to go away/on holiday for a birthday at all never mind after just having had a baby.

For just how long does someone need to be the centre of attention anyway?

We all went away for FIL's 60th birthday weekend to a dreadful hotel up north. It was pretty boring and 400 miles away. He could have had a great party locally and invited all his pals as well as his grandchildren.

Original poster

JolieGirl · 14/11/2007 18:56

Phew thanks ladies - the not being able to get a passport in time is PERFECT as a reason to add to my list of concerns. Additionally as well I think I recall not being able to book DS a plane seat until after he was born when we went away when he was 5 mo. Could also therefore plead it would be miles more expensive to book seats at last minute for first week of school hols. Hahaha! Feeling much more confident about being a bit more assertive.

OP posts:

francagoestohollywood · 14/11/2007 19:02

yanbu.
But it can be done. I went to Italy in July when dd was 6 weeks and ds had just turned 2. But that was because I wanted to go, see my friends and family, which I knew would have helped.
But I wouldn't go if I knew there wasn't going to be any practical help.

chocchipcookie · 14/11/2007 19:17

Be careful JG, they might just offer to buy you the seats or contribute!

In my experience it works best not to get into detailed reasons because you encourage the other person to finda solution when you do that.

I think it's simpler just to say that it doesn't work for you as a family, invite them to something else and leave it at that.

Minum · 14/11/2007 19:27

Yes, be careful with excuses, every time I have done this the family have come back with offers of money, lifts etc etc. Only an absolute no has ever worked, and then it has to be crystal clear, any polite way of putting it leaves the other side with an opening to keep pushing you. Good luck .

Original poster

JolieGirl · 14/11/2007 19:29

Good point choc chip - god you ladies are great!! I guess I won't need to launch into a whole exhaustive list of reasons why we should not go, but I can at least be clear in my own mind what they are so I can be absolutely confident I am not being an utter killjoy (if that makes sense?)

OP posts:

mazzystar · 14/11/2007 19:39

I think its perfectly reasonable not to want to go with a 6 week old. But if it can be put off until later in the year, then you would be unreasonable not to try to - it could be lovely. And I think some of you are being a bit bah humbug about celebrating birthdays, tbh.

Rhubarb · 14/11/2007 19:44

I think if you were just perfectly honest with them and said that you cannot commit to this as a) you don't know what kind of birth you will have and b) the baby will be too young and you too exhausted to travel.

If any of them have children they will understand. So will your mil. Any chance your dh can go without you and you have a family member stay with you to help out whilst he's away? Then he doesn't have to miss out on his family gathering and you are seen as unselfish and considerate in allowing him to go so soon after the baby is born.

foofi · 14/11/2007 19:47

I think YABU. There will be lots of people to help with the children. I hope people are more interested when you are 60.

Jennster · 14/11/2007 19:48

Good points here. I said go later, but only assuming you would change your mind. Yanbu if you really don't want to go.

Rhubarb · 14/11/2007 19:49

Ah but foofi, it's not just that, it's the travelling too. And ime people are far too interested in having a good time themselves than help out with your children.

I think the compromise is let her dh go alone. The birth could be crap and a newborn with a 2yo takes some getting used to.

Jennster · 14/11/2007 19:51

Noooo! A 2 year old and a new born with no help! [blanches]

VanillaPumpkin · 14/11/2007 19:57

Hi, I have only read the OP but just wanted to give you some confidence if you don't find a way out of this.
When my dd1 was 2.4 and my dd2 was 2 weeks old we flew back from Cyprus (where we were living) to the UK to attend a wedding and go to an important family event involving a week long stay in a house in the country. We were back for four weeks in total.
It was fantastic! I would have hated it with dd1 as there is that whole scary newborn thing going on, est b/f etc etc and like you I just wanted to be at home, but it will be so different with your second. I was not expected to do a thing apart from b/feed dd2. Dd1 had soooo much attention from all the family it was wonderful. All the meals were made for me, no-one batted an eyelid at me going for a lie down as I was obv up in the night, the house was beautiful and a lovely place to stay and there were plenty of helping hands to give me a breather from dd2 as well. It was the best start we could have had. Also we were the only ones with children so the family were not 'used' to children then either. It may not be so bad .

VanillaPumpkin · 14/11/2007 20:08

Oh but getting the passport was a nightmare involving a few trips by DH to Nicosia and dd2 was 9 days late too so we were cutting it very fine.
Babies can fly after 48 hrs I believe. We had dd2 have a docs check over the day before we flew but my mw, hv and the doc were all happy. I just had her in a sling and fed her the whole way. DD1 was more of a problem, but dh was in charge of her while I just had a 5 hour rest and mammoth feeding and uninterupted bonding session with dd2 .

helenhismadwife · 15/11/2007 15:47

I think getting a passport sorted quickly enough at that time of year will be difficult but I would just be honest and say I dont know how I am going to feel etc that is the truth, childbirth is one of the most unpredicatable things and every one is different.

A later break sounds great, even if people wont help with the children if they do everything (cooking, clearing up etc) else it sounds lovely to me. Its not a long flight to france and from experience most holiday homes can provide most of the equipment you need for baby and toddler, medical in France is fantastic and very widely available

SquiffyonSnowballs · 15/11/2007 16:01

I'm with VanillaP on this one - you will probably get more opportunity to rest when there are others around to take the little one's off your hands, and you won't have to worry about meals/shopping/housekeeping/laundry and so on. I have travelled with baby and toddler and it is hell on Earth when there is no-one to take the load off you, but absolute bliss when there are relatives around - much easier than staying at home trying to look after a baby AND a jealous son who will be trying to get more attention than before the baby appeared (as was my experience). And even if they are not that child-friendly then you will still have fab weather and paddling pool etc to distract your son. I would have thought that the combination of a late baby and a C-section and a longish recovery period is unlikely; chances are that even with a C-S you will be fairly mobile after 2 weeks.

France is hot but early July shouldn't be too bad, so why not keep an open mind at least until you see what villa they go for - the area around Alpes-Maritime/Provence has fabulous breezes which normally keep the place from being uncomfortably hot - it is much cooler than, say, the greek islands at that time of year. So long as they aren't too far from the airport and the villa is a reasonable size (and toddler-friendly - insist on that) then it should be ok.

I would go for it but try to get them to shift the date out a little to give you more flexibility; if you know the sex of the baby in advance you will be able to book a flight, and you can get same day service if you turn up in person at the passport office (or 7 day express service) so you will just need to organise stuff like registering birth swiftly and so on.

I think if you make an effort you will enjoy it and won't regret going.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 15/11/2007 16:12

YANBU as you do not know how you will feel, what sort of a baby you are going to get etc.
However, I have 4 children - 15 yrs, 12 yrs, 2 (just) and 4 months. Last month we went away (incl MIL) on a family holiday to Greece. Our baby was only 3 months old (he was born by c-section). It was great fun and just what I needed - a bit of sunshine and some gentle exercise. So perhaps good advice to wait and see.
PS Baby was no problem whatsoever, but I can't say the same for my MIL!

Chopster · 15/11/2007 16:17

I'd def negotiate for a bit later, you want at least a couple of months to give yourself time to recover, get used to being a mum of two, and get the baby's passport sorted. I personally wouldn't want to take a newborn on a plane neither, I thought some places said 6 weeks?

Once the baby is a couple of mnths tho, I think you will find it easier than you think. Babies are great for taking on holiday because they are perfectly happy with a place to sleep and milk on tap! Our first hol with the twins was really easy as they slept most of the time. The one when they were 18mnths has been the hardest so far.

the south of france is lovely too!

casbie · 15/11/2007 16:18

joliegirl - take your mum too, or sister to help out with toddler...

i've a feeling that you'll just want to snuggle up with baby for the time your there - and why shouldn't you?

you could still join in the evening meal or whatever and have a nice, relaxing time!

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