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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it weird to ask this.

28 replies

inmyshoos · 03/05/2021 23:22

My partner works in care, does sleepovers. He calls me to say goodnight and I ask what the plans are for tmrw at work. He tells me about this day trip and it's an activity that needs another member of staff. I ask what time they start in the morn because he said they'd leave early, I'm just making conversation, being interested in his day and he says 'why?'

Things have been pretty shit recently and perhaps that's why it has pissed me off so much but I'm willing to hear if oth r people think that it's weird to ask this. Maybe I just shouldn't take an interest in his day. In the end up he sarcastically said, she's in at 9, then she's getting her eyebrows waxed at 5....

Aibu?
Fwiw our relationship is currently hanging by a thread and I just don't see that kind of reaction as the actions of someone trying to make things work. Sad
And just incase anyone thinks I'm some jealous bunny boiler and that's what lies behind this, we have no jealousy issues at all....just to cover all bases Grin

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 03/05/2021 23:29

It sounds like you asked a weird question and he gave you a weird answer which you’ve overreacted to if I’m honest.

Clevererthanyou · 03/05/2021 23:32

It sounds like you’re trying to take an interest in his work and have a conversation with him, is his response normal for him Op?

blubberyboo · 03/05/2021 23:35

Yea
From his point of view it could’ve sounded that you either had other plans or chores for him that you were trying to fit into his day, or you were suspicious of him or questioning him.

I’m not saying that you were doing that at all, and I recognise you were probably just genuinely interested at what time he would have to get up

but at best he maybe just thought it was weird. Men tend to not care about the mundane details in life. Ie he probably never asks you what time you have to start does he? Cos he prob doesn’t find it interesting at all

Original poster
inmyshoos · 03/05/2021 23:42

I only asked because I was thinking he would prob have to get up super early if his colleague in at 8 and was going to say better let you get off to bed.
The rest of the conversation was stressful tbh because of his 'stuff' and I wanted a quick bit of mundane real life kind of chat before saying goodnight.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 04/05/2021 00:03

What LouiseTrees said.

Seeing it written down, it does sound a bit like and interrogation. You might not have meant it that way, but I'd have expected his answer of "Oh, we're taking them out to the garden centre tomorrow" to have been answered with "Oh, that's nice, I hope the rain holds off" rather than "Oh, so Jane will be coming in? What time is she working from? What time you leaving? etc" which does sound like an interrogation.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 04/05/2021 00:24

I didn't ask anything other than will you go in the morning so it's quiet? What time is Jane in? One question that follows on from another Confused

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/05/2021 00:37

Could he have thought you were inferring that Jane might be sleeping over with him?

wildeverose · 04/05/2021 00:40

I really don't see the issue

sunsetsand · 04/05/2021 08:51

"will you go in the morning so it's quiet? What time is Jane in?"

You're trying to micro manage him even when he's at work.

Implying that he should get up and off as soon as Jane gets there because the morning will be better (in your opinion) and quieter (in your opinion) which is much better (in your opinion) and he should've already planned this (in your opinion).

That's what he's hearing. Sounds dead in the water tbh

LifeinaNorthernTown · 04/05/2021 09:26

@sunsetsand

"will you go in the morning so it's quiet? What time is Jane in?"

You're trying to micro manage him even when he's at work.

Implying that he should get up and off as soon as Jane gets there because the morning will be better (in your opinion) and quieter (in your opinion) which is much better (in your opinion) and he should've already planned this (in your opinion).

That's what he's hearing. Sounds dead in the water tbh

Erm, no she's not, she's just making conversation!

I've just had a similar conversation with my DP who lives on the other side of the world, he asked me if I was up, I asked him if he was still at work and what time is he finishing? He asked if I was WFH or on site, I asked where is he eating tonight - you know, just general chatting. There was no agenda, no micro managing and no implying anything

Original poster
inmyshoos · 04/05/2021 09:44

Sunsetsand no micromanaging issues in our relationship. I have no control over what happens at his work and don't desire it in any way shape or form. It was just chat. Just in the same way I ask what the person he supports likes most for dinner or how much support he needs with A B or C. It's just being interested in his job.

We have other issues for sure. Not sure how you can tell its dead in the water from this thread but thanks for your input.

lifeinanortherntown yes exactly that. Just general chatting. Like happens in general conversation with people in our lives.... What have you got planned today? Where are you guys going for lunch?.... Taking an interest. That's all.

OP posts:
voovayclickwot · 04/05/2021 09:59

The rest of the conversation was stressful tbh because of his 'stuff' and I wanted a quick bit of mundane real life kind of chat before saying goodnight.

Sounds like the focus is always on him, so you've got used to asking him questions. And yet he gets to be annoyed if he wants to. Does he take any interest in you?

What are his issues?

sunsetsand · 04/05/2021 10:12

"Not sure how you can tell its dead in the water from this thread but thanks for your input."

Sorry, thought you said it was hanging on by a thread. And now you can't even have a conversation about mundane things without this.

Since he asked "why?" you wanted to know and why it mattered to you, I think he's hearing you trying to have an opinion on how he works. That's all.

Aprilx · 04/05/2021 10:15

I don’t think you were interrogating him, but I can also see that the questioning about the minutiae of his day would be quite irritating. I know I would find it irritating, because I wouldn’t be interested in discussing such things.

Foodisascience · 04/05/2021 10:26

DH and I only ever call or msg each other if we need a definite opinion, there is always a specific reason. But that us and you see the change in habit.

You need to work on the issues. I can remember when I had enough of my ex that everything irritated me. I am not saying your relationship is not salvageable. But you would be better off writing what the issues are and seeking advice on them.

SeaTurtles92 · 04/05/2021 10:46

You're trying to micro manage him even when he's at work.

Stop it 😂😂.

SeaTurtles92 · 04/05/2021 10:47

You asked a question and he was a dick about it.

billy1966 · 04/05/2021 10:50

Are you making the effort and he's not?

And he's a bit sharp with you?

If so, you have every right to be pissed off.

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2021 10:53

It sounds more of an interrogation to me and I would find it irritating, but then DH and I don't give each other detailed summaries of our working days.

To me asking the details about what the person he cares for likes for dinner or his colleagues' working hours is at best superficial small talk (which might reflect the current state if the relationship) or it's part of mismatched conversation where you think you're showing an interest and he feels like he's being interrogated.

BestOption · 04/05/2021 10:58

Christ if we didn't talk about mundane shit like that there would be nothing to talk about at the minute!!

It could sound like an interrogation, but fortunately my OH, is happy to prattle on about mundane shit because we want to talk, to connect with each other but have nothing deep & meaningful to talk about at the moment.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 04/05/2021 11:25

It sounds more of an interrogation to me and I would find it irritating, but then DH and I don't give each other detailed summaries of our working days

Absolutely this.

I'm not one for inane chit-chat at all, but being quizzed about the precise details of my working day would have my back up in no time at all. It's not something I necessarily want to think about any more than I have to, and I absolutely do not want to discuss with someone to whom it has absolutely no relevance whatsoever. Sounds like you were pointlessly filling the silence just for the sake of it to be honest.

Floralnomad · 04/05/2021 11:30

Just from your responses on this thread @inmyshoos you sound quite defensive and quite hard work , it seems to me that because your relationship isn’t great at the moment you , and probably him as well , are picking up on every little remark and then over analysing it . Stop it , if you want the relationship to work this is not the way to do it .

Tal45 · 04/05/2021 11:40

It sounds like you're trying really hard and he's getting irritated because it feels a bit forced or because he's not that interested in talking to you. It sounds like the effort is one sided here OP - is he making effort with you and asking about you? You can't make this relationship work on your own xxx

pigeonpies · 04/05/2021 11:52

It sounds innocent enough on paper but only you can judge if his response off.

It might sound like you slyly checking if his work colleague was also sleeping over. Which would make you sound suspicious and untrusting if there has been similar questioning in the past.

Or there are no trust issues but something is going on with this colleague which is why he's take an immediate defence to questioning.

Or as you say the relationship is on its way out and you are both ( subconsciously) looking for a reason to end it for good.

Sorry for the situation you are in

HadaVerde · 04/05/2021 12:02

@WorraLiberty

Could he have thought you were inferring that Jane might be sleeping over with him?
That’s what I thought when I read the OP.
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