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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not weird to call someone 'The In laws'

81 replies

SoleTraderLady · 03/05/2021 22:22

In this situation?

My sister and her partner of 3 years. They do not live together and are not married but very happy together. I referred to them as the inlaws and was told that isn't the right term for them.

OP posts:
NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 04/05/2021 10:17

And actually, if they don’t live together either some people would even take issue with the word “partner”! I get that over a certain age, boyfriend feels a bit silly though.

LindaEllen · 04/05/2021 10:18

Your in laws are your partner's family. Your sister is your family. If they were married he would be your brother in law, but you'd still call her your sister, and they're not married anyway.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/05/2021 10:21

Yes, I think you are still wrong op.

MsVestibule · 04/05/2021 10:26

I bought a 'Happy Birthday BIL' card for my sister's then BF (now DH) and she wasn't happy with me! I thought it was a nice, inclusive, 'just because you're not married doesn't mean you're not part of our family' type thing to do, but obviously not 🤷‍♀️.

Gullible2021 · 04/05/2021 10:28

I don’t think the term in-laws applies to people who aren’t married. So even in the OPs case, as she herself isn’t married to her partner, she’s using the term incorrectly to refer to her partners parents as well as using it incorrectly to refer to her sister’s partner. Where’s the “law”? They aren’t in any legal relationship (ie marriage). It’s only really something that applies to husbands and wives (or husbands and husbands or wives and wives these days) IMO

It’s like people that use fiancé/e when people aren’t actually engaged! My next door neighbour excitedly told me their granddaughter and fiancé would be visiting later and would I like to come and meet him. I’d played with her when we were children and was a little surprised she’d got engaged so young (first year of university). I popped round to say hello and took a card and bottle round to say congratulations on their engagement. Red faces all round. They weren’t actually engaged, just referred to themselves as “fiancé/e”. Similarly, if an old friend or family member I’d lost contact with introduced an in-law, I’d assume there had been a marriage.

lap90 · 04/05/2021 10:39

I'd only use 'in laws' if the couple are married, although I am aware it is increasingly common for people to refer to their partner's family as this, even when they have not wed.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 04/05/2021 10:39

Why not just always refer to them as ...

"My sister and her partner of three years that do not live together and are not married but are very happy together."

... bit of a mouthful I know, but at least there is no confusion! Grin

(And address Christmas Cards to them similarly.)

Comefromaway · 04/05/2021 10:41

He's not your in law as they are not legally married.

I'd find it strange to refer to him as such.

LaceyBetty · 04/05/2021 10:49

I think it is bit weird to call him your brother in law. Especially as they don't live together. But shouldn't matter to anyone what you call him at the end of the day.

VettiyaIruken · 04/05/2021 10:54

He's your sister's boyfriend.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2021 11:02

@SoleTraderLady

Sorry described it in a confusing way. I guess I meant my sister partner and referring to him as a brother in law despite no marriage or living together full time. Like me and my own partner really.
Ok that makes more sense but it does depend on of its serious or just this month's bf imo
LawnFever · 05/05/2021 21:25

@SoleTraderLady

Sorry described it in a confusing way. I guess I meant my sister partner and referring to him as a brother in law despite no marriage or living together full time. Like me and my own partner really.
No I still wouldn’t call him your BIL in those circumstances, he’s your sister’s boyfriend I’d only describe him as that
therocinante · 06/05/2021 11:20

I'd refer to in-laws for not-legally-married family if it was serious and longterm. It's explaining the type of relationship, it's useful in that sense. I wouldn't for a couple who didn't live together yet - would feel like it wasn't really serious enough to imply that kind of familial relationship.

I find it funny/weird how bothered people get about it. It doesn't affect anyone!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 06/05/2021 11:32

Your relationship with sis will never be in law. She’s always your sis. Her partner would become your BIL if they married. But she’s still not your in law. It’s fine to call him BIL for ease but your your in laws are your husband’s parents (sometimes siblings).

BaggoMcoys · 06/05/2021 11:34

I called my exP's parents my outlaws.

CounsellorTroi · 06/05/2021 11:34

I call my brother’s partner my sister in law even though they are not married.

grapewine · 06/05/2021 11:38

He's your sister's boyfriend since they're not married or living together.

NeedNewKnees · 06/05/2021 11:39

It’s definitely weird. I wouldn’t even call them partners if they don’t live together.

Your sister and her boyfriend.

thelegohooverer · 06/05/2021 12:21

There aren’t enough words for non-married partnerships.

I referred to my db’s gf as my sil for years before they were married. They were a couple before myself and dh, they just hadn’t got married yet.

In dh’s family, myself and the other married-ins refer to ourselves as the outlaws during those awkward occasions when we’re clearly not welcome, or being waved out of family photos.

Gullible2021 · 06/05/2021 12:35

@thelegohooverer

There aren’t enough words for non-married partnerships.

I referred to my db’s gf as my sil for years before they were married. They were a couple before myself and dh, they just hadn’t got married yet.

In dh’s family, myself and the other married-ins refer to ourselves as the outlaws during those awkward occasions when we’re clearly not welcome, or being waved out of family photos.

What’s wrong with “brother’s girlfriend”, “sister’s partner” etc?

Why use one of the only terms that’s meant to be used to describe a married relationship?

EducatingArti · 06/05/2021 12:40

I call my sister's partner my "brother in law" if referring to him to someone who doesn't know them ( in which case I'd just use his name) because it is easier than saying, well they aren't actually married, he is her partner but they have been together for 20+ years etc.
My mum refers to him as her "sin in law" because she thinks it is funny.

Gullible2021 · 06/05/2021 13:06

@EducatingArti

I call my sister's partner my "brother in law" if referring to him to someone who doesn't know them ( in which case I'd just use his name) because it is easier than saying, well they aren't actually married, he is her partner but they have been together for 20+ years etc. My mum refers to him as her "sin in law" because she thinks it is funny.
You don’t have to go into all the background. There’s nothing problematic with using the term “partner”. It tends to suggest “life partner” by its very name.
MasterBeth · 06/05/2021 13:30

It’s not “weird”, it’s just wrong.

Your sister isn’t your in-law. Your in-laws are your own partner’s family, or your siblings’ partners.

CuntyMcBollocks · 06/05/2021 13:42

I'm assuming that you just meant you call your sister's partner an in-law, and I can't see anything wrong with that. I call my brothers girlfriend my sister-in-law as she is part of my family. They've been together years and she is the mother of my nieces. Just because they aren't married doesn't mean that she's 'just' my brothers girlfriend.

Holly60 · 06/05/2021 13:57

Sister and brother-in-law would be how I would describe them. Or sister and her partner is more accurate if we are being picky

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