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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not weird to call someone 'The In laws'

81 replies

SoleTraderLady · 03/05/2021 22:22

In this situation?

My sister and her partner of 3 years. They do not live together and are not married but very happy together. I referred to them as the inlaws and was told that isn't the right term for them.

OP posts:
waterlego · 03/05/2021 23:08

But agree with PPs that referring to your sister and her bf as your in-laws would be strange and inaccurate, though you might call him your BIL.

Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo · 03/05/2021 23:10

In-laws (plural) are most likely to be referring to either your parents in law or your husband’s sibling and married partner. If your sister was married, that person would be your relation in-law but there wouldn’t be an ‘s’ as only he would be.

In the situation you’re describing neither are officially and your sister most definitely isn’t.

Icanflyhigh · 03/05/2021 23:13

In-laws to me are anyone who are related by marriage.
Not yet married to DP (covid) but still refer to his mum and dad and sister and brothers as in laws.

DotsandCo · 04/05/2021 07:28

Very odd to me! As others have said...your sister is not your 'in law'. She's your sister! You 'might' refer to her partner as your brother-in-law...but even that's a stretch, as they aren't living together, so really, I'd just refer to him as 'my sister's boyfriend' in conversation.

Most people save the 'collective' 'in-laws' reference to their own partners family, eg mother-in-law/father-in-law (husband's parents). It's just a common usage expression 🤷‍♀️

Is English your first language OP...I'm only asking as I know these things can be different culturally, and may have gotten lost in translation. Which may explain why it sounds odd to some of us.

Orangebug · 04/05/2021 07:32

Calling him your BIL even though they're not married - YANBU
Calling your sister and her boyfriend together 'the in laws' - YABU

MariLwyd · 04/05/2021 07:35

‘The in-laws’ to me is my partners parents, his brother, and his brothers partner.

Any other relatives on his side are (for example) ‘my partners uncle’ etc

My brother and his wife are ‘my brother and sister-in-law’

My other siblings’ boyfriends/girlfriends are just ‘my sibling’s boyfriend/girlfriend’ until they’re either married or have been living together for several years

Chickenlickeninthepot · 04/05/2021 07:36

It's not weird to call them in-laws if there are indeed your in-laws. In this case, they are not your in-laws, it's your sister and her partner so yes, that is weird.

AuntieStella · 04/05/2021 07:37

You are being unreasonable, because they and/or your DSis do not like the term, and it's fine to ask someone not to use family terms they do not think appropriate.

Also, I agree with them, as they aren't either cohabiting or married, so I think you're getting ahead of events.

RickiTarr · 04/05/2021 07:37

Your sister is your sister.

Her boyfriend is her boyfriend.

These people are not your in-laws.

Hmm
4PawsGood · 04/05/2021 07:38

The in-laws are your husband’s parents.

You could call the boyfriend brother in law I suppose but your sister isn’t an in law. So they aren’t ‘the inlaws’.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/05/2021 07:42

What are 'in laws' in your mind op?

This is strange.

iolaus · 04/05/2021 07:46

Your sister and her partner aren't the inlaws

Her partner can be referred to as your brother/sister in law

So my brother isn't married - I refer to his girlfriend as my sister in law, and her parents as my brother's in laws

I suppose I do kind of call my sister in law's husband my brother in law - even though technically he's DH's BIL not mine

eurochick · 04/05/2021 07:47

This is not the correct usage. Your sister is your sister, not an in law. Your sister's boyfriend is not married to her so not your brother in law - the law bit is referring to the legality of marriage.

Shoppingwithmother · 04/05/2021 07:48

Are you getting confused with when people used to use the term “common-law wife/husband to mean partners who lived together but were not married?

They are not in-laws of each other and he’s not your in-law either.

If they were married, his family would be your sister’s in-laws, and he would be your brother-in-law. I guess a lot of people would call the family of their partner their in-laws as well, but I would think that’s people who live together. But obviously that’s not correct really unless you are actually married “in law.”

LawnFever · 04/05/2021 07:49

I think perhaps English isn’t your first language OP?

I can get how it could be confusing but your sister and her boyfriend are definitely not your ‘in laws’.

‘In law’ refers to your partners family, usually their parents.

Your sister isn’t your ‘in law’ she’s a blood relative so that’s not the right way to describe her and her boyfriend, no matter whether she lives with him or not.

Postern · 04/05/2021 07:51

@Orangebug

Calling him your BIL even though they're not married - YANBU Calling your sister and her boyfriend together 'the in laws' - YABU
This.
Sanchez79 · 04/05/2021 07:53

What Orangebud said!

Frazzled2207 · 04/05/2021 07:53

They’re not in laws!
She’s your sister and not married to the chap.
In laws mean they are an extension of your family by marriage. I’d call him a BiL if they were cohabiting as if they were married though.

In laws to you would mean your husband’s parents, his siblings and their husbands and wives.

UCOinanOCG · 04/05/2021 07:56

In laws tend to be your husbands families as you become related to them 'in law' when you marry. Not your sister and her partner.

LolaO · 04/05/2021 07:57

If you are referring to your sister and her partner (which is what your op suggests) as “the in-laws” that is definitely weird. Not only is it incorrect it is also confusing.

In-laws to me means my parents in law. In-laws to DH = my parents. I could refer to BIL as an in law (I don’t tend to - I just use his name), but if I referred to my own brother as an “in law” that would be wrong (and, perhaps more importantly, very confusing).

I guess I can kind of see how you might refer to your sister’s boyfriend as BIL, or, if speaking to your sister about his parents, you might refer to them as “your in-laws” meaning parents in law. That would not be correct (as they are not married), and I wouldn’t but some people might.

Nith · 04/05/2021 07:57

It is weird, really. Your in-laws are your partner's family, not your own.

Original poster
SoleTraderLady · 04/05/2021 10:07

Sorry described it in a confusing way.
I guess I meant my sister partner and referring to him as a brother in law despite no marriage or living together full time. Like me and my own partner really.

OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 04/05/2021 10:10

Surely outlaw is the term for not-married in laws?

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 04/05/2021 10:15

If there’s no marriage, officially there’s no in laws so you are technically using the wrong term. Marriage is a legal contract, that’s where “in laws” comes from. He’s your sister’s partner, not your brother in law as they haven’t signed a legal contract.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/05/2021 10:15

Yeah you're wrong.

Your sister isn't your in-law which denotes a relationship by marriage not birth. She's your sister.

Her partner would be your brother-in-law if they married but don't see why anyone would get upset by you calling him BIL now of they're serious. She is your partner's SIL

If you have a partner, his family become "your in-laws" as in his parents are YOUR MIL or FIL but are still his parents