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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To forgive ex for comment about DS

43 replies

incognitoon · 03/05/2021 19:15

Name changed for this.

I have recently been seeing my ex again after a year apart. He said some pretty awful things to me during the break up, including that when out and about with DS and I (who was 1 at the time) he would "feel judged and borderline embarrassed".

I had DS fairly young and he said he felt this way because of our age and that having a baby at such a young age is a "monumental fuck up".

We have been spending time together for the past couple of months but I'm not sure if it's wrong for me to look past this? He has apologised and said that he is regretful of what he said to me.

AIBU to look past this and allow things to progress with him?

OP posts:
tuttifuckinfruity · 03/05/2021 19:17

Is he your sons father? How old are you both?

Original poster
incognitoon · 03/05/2021 19:18

Sorry I should have made it clear in the OP that he is not my son's father. I am 21.

OP posts:
Astella22 · 03/05/2021 19:20

I don’t think it unforgivable. If u want to be back together then u need to move on.

Still1nLove · 03/05/2021 19:20

How old is he?

Topseyt · 03/05/2021 19:21

Time will tell and actions speak louder than words.

I’d never forget that he said it and would make it crystal clear that if he ever uttered anything similar again then he would be gone and this time there would be no coming back.

Happycat1212 · 03/05/2021 19:21

Hmm no I wouldn’t forgive this and he isn’t even. The father maybe I would forgive if he was but I had my daughter at 22 and never felt judged or embarrassed, 21-22 isn’t even that young to have a baby I thought you was going to say you was 16!

tuttifuckinfruity · 03/05/2021 19:22

Based on what you've said, I'm not sure I could get past comments like that.

And as he's not your sons father I'm not sure how committed I'd be to trying to make it work when there are already problems like that.

21 is so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Based on what you have written here I would be inclined to say you can do better than him.

Original poster
incognitoon · 03/05/2021 19:22

@Happycat1212

Hmm no I wouldn’t forgive this and he isn’t even. The father maybe I would forgive if he was but I had my daughter at 22 and never felt judged or embarrassed, 21-22 isn’t even that young to have a baby I thought you was going to say you was 16!
I was 18 when I had him
OP posts:
Voomster953 · 03/05/2021 19:24

I wouldn’t look past it. I would find someone who was nice and decent and who hadn’t been an arsehole in the past.

Happycat1212 · 03/05/2021 19:25

Ah I see, still uncalled for imo, not like you was a child 18 is an adult, I think he’s speaking how he felt it was embarrassing rather than others judging

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 03/05/2021 19:25

Unforgivable. Move on. There is a reason it ended the first time around. Don’t go backwards.

CanofCant · 03/05/2021 19:25

No, I wouldn't forgive him either. Those were some pretty horrible things that he said and are quite insightful of what he really thinks about you.

What do you think? Do you believe he is truly sorry and feels as much for you as you do for him? Or do you have niggling doubts that have prompted you to post?

towonderifimnormal · 03/05/2021 19:26

18 isn't that young not like you was a school girl! YANBU I wouldn't stay with him. Time to move on, there's around 3.5 billion men in the world they're bound to treat you better.

Jumpers268 · 03/05/2021 19:29

No, I wouldn't be able to get past that.

HeddaGarbled · 03/05/2021 19:30

I’d want to know why he said it.

Just wanted to hurt you with whatever he could think of?

Or genuinely thinks young mums have ‘fucked up’ in some way?

What do you think?

Original poster
incognitoon · 03/05/2021 19:30

@CanofCant

No, I wouldn't forgive him either. Those were some pretty horrible things that he said and are quite insightful of what he really thinks about you.

What do you think? Do you believe he is truly sorry and feels as much for you as you do for him? Or do you have niggling doubts that have prompted you to post?

I believe him, I think.

I think that we feel the same for each other, or maybe him even more. I do have feelings for him but he seems more "into it" than I am, but I think that may just be a difference in our personalities and the way we express ourselves.

I do have niggling doubts and I know it's so cliche, but we do have a strong connection and I enjoy the time I spend with him, I can look past the cruel things he's said about me but it's what he's said about DS that's bothering me the most.

OP posts:
Original poster
incognitoon · 03/05/2021 19:31

@HeddaGarbled

I’d want to know why he said it.

Just wanted to hurt you with whatever he could think of?

Or genuinely thinks young mums have ‘fucked up’ in some way?

What do you think?

A mixture of both, probably. But I do think he genuinely did feel judged/embarrassed. It's hard to know what to think
OP posts:
imaterriblepersonarenti · 03/05/2021 19:35

I'd say cut him some slack.. if he's the same age as you, he would have been about 19? Surely we've all said twatty things at that age?!

I wouldn't want dim things I said at that age to be held against me forever.

Plus it depends on his upbringing. My parents were very much of the opinion that a child before your mid twenties was a monumental fuck up and repeatedly told me that. It wasn't until I got a bit older that I realised this isn't true and my opinion changed completely.

Topseyt · 03/05/2021 19:36

@incognitoon

Sorry I should have made it clear in the OP that he is not my son's father. I am 21.
In that case I retract my first post. I hadn’t seen it when I posted.

No, I wouldn’t forgive someone who wasn’t even related to my child for terming them a “monumental fuck up.” Never. How very dare he!!?? What a judgmental wanker!

HeddaGarbled · 03/05/2021 19:45

Yes, I think I agree with @imaterriblepersonarenti.

Though I think I’d be keeping an eye out for similar comments or opinions.

BetterKateThanNever · 03/05/2021 19:46

I personally wouldn't pursue a relationship again, but if you choose to just be very wary that he could still hold that opinion. It's unlikely he said it without meaning it, and even if he didn't mean it it's something that plays around in his head. Be sure you aren't seeing him again because he thinks you're less embarassing to be with.

YoniAndGuy · 03/05/2021 19:47

Yes, I'd be bothered.

He sounds thick and judgmental.

I'm willing to bet you can do a lot better...

GettingItOutThere · 03/05/2021 19:52

unforgivable

you're also 21?, he is not the babies dad? Move on, find someone worth of your time! he is not!

Pinkypink · 03/05/2021 19:55

I would take things slow bc of his comments and bc you have niggling doubts.
I wouldn't want him around my child tbh. Can you see him when your son is asleep or being looked after by grand parents?
Honestly, it sounds like you can do better and you don't have to settle just bc you had a baby young.
I hope you are happy with whatever decision you make.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/05/2021 20:00

I was 18 when I had my first ds and if any guy I had been seeing had said that to me, he would have been gone. I don't need the person that is supposed to be my partner judging me and being embarrassed of me. I had enough shame laid on me by other people.

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