To forgive ex for comment about DS

[incognitoon]

Name changed for this.

I have recently been seeing my ex again after a year apart. He said some pretty awful things to me during the break up, including that when out and about with DS and I (who was 1 at the time) he would "feel judged and borderline embarrassed".

I had DS fairly young and he said he felt this way because of our age and that having a baby at such a young age is a "monumental fuck up".

We have been spending time together for the past couple of months but I'm not sure if it's wrong for me to look past this? He has apologised and said that he is regretful of what he said to me.

AIBU to look past this and allow things to progress with him?

I dunno, I felt judged when out and about with DD when I was 17.

@incognitoon

Sorry I should have made it clear in the OP that he is not my son's father. I am 21.

Oops, I missed this. I would find this harder to forgive...

I think you are being blind and should steer clear of this man.

You will regret it if you don't.

Thank you so much for your responses.

I think I probably need to end up calling it off, there have been red flags again already but I'm not sure if I'm equally to blame.

I'm going to find it really difficult, not sure how I will actually bite the bullet and end things.

OP, ask yourself a question if you'd forgive your best friend for saying that. This may help you make a decision.

There are few things that you should also think about:

• you say you can forgive him hurtful comments about you, but why is that? Were those comments a one-off or did he repeat them on more than one occasion?
• you say it seems he seems more into it, but probably due to differences in character. Are you sure that's why? Do you see yourself spending your life with this man? Or are you in the relationship just so you're not single? If you just want a bit of fun, that's fair enough, but sounds like you want something serious.
• your DS can quickly get attached to this man. Do you trust him enough?

My friend was a teen mum and she did feel judged and embarrassed. No way was it in her life plan to have a baby at 17 and getting pregnant was a monumental balls up to her. But once her DC came along she held her head and determined to give them both the best life.

It would be a bit weird for a what 19 year old not to feel a bit embarrassed that people are making the assumption that he is the dad. He is allowed to feel how he feels. The bigger question is - does he still feel like that? Does he see himself as essentially a family man/parental figure if the relationship moves forward?

I could never forgive somebody who is supposed to care about me, and who spends time with my child, saying this. I had my eldest at sixteen, got my own place, great exam results, good job and worked my socks off at all times to be the best parent I could be. Decades down the line my eldest is now a highly-qualified and extremely well paid professional. So no, not a fuck up; my life and my child’s life. Get rid of him, you both deserve far more.

You’ve got doubts s ditch the guy.

No I would not be ok with someone saying that about my child. An ex is an ex for a reason has anything changed in the time you have been apart? Tbh I would put all my focus in taking care of my son and then set my sights a little higher.

I know someone who married someone like your ex in a similar situation. For the past 20 years every time they have an argument he brings up the fact that he ‘went against his better judgment’ and married her when she was a young, unmarried mother and she should be more grateful. It is not a happy marriage. Your ex has shown you who he is (and what he honestly feels) believe him.

I suppose if it was a one-off immature comment based on feeling some of the stereotypes that people hold about younger parents. But you said it was a pattern of comments including cruel ones about you so i’d find that more worrying.

What are these current red flags?

How is he with your DS?

I suppose if I were you my biggest concern would be why he said it and if he still felt it.

Does he feel that you should also feel shame at being pregnant at a young age? Did he verbalise this because he wants you to feel shame? And if so why? Does he want you to feel "less than him" in some way? You say he seems more into you than him, so was this statement a way of him trying to disempower you?

I would be very very careful with this and be wondering what might come next.

Nope. I wouldn’t let him back in OP. It’s one thing to think that it’s a bit of a disaster to get pregnant at 17/18. But once the baby is born he or she is a person, not a ´fuck-up’ and if he can’t see past the embarrassment then he’s not worth keeping around. I might forgive the baby’s father if he made a comment like that while adjusting to being a young parent but only if his actions showed he was capable of loving and caring for the baby. Probably because the father would be judging or regretting his own decisions and circumstances, not just yours. A bf who isn’t the baby’s father is only judging you.

I'd be worried that the comment hid nasty views on young mums.

I suspect he's a hypocrite who finds your youth one of the reasons why you're sexually appealing.

Comments like that will end up being said again in a future argument ime.

Don't date someone who has ever said cruel things to you. That's not the acceptable standard, it really isn't. You truly do deserve better.

You can look past the cruel things he said about you? Why??

As you said, there are other red flags here - don't go back to him, protect yourself and your son