Should I leave him to it?
Moffact · 03/05/2021 17:38
My partners dad passed away a few years ago (I didn't know him then) and tomorrow would've be his birthday. Partner says that later he's going to go to the pub and have quite a few drinks (like he did last year the day before the anniversary of his dads death but I wasn't living with him then). I've told him that it won't help him so he shouldn't but he thinks it will. Would you just let him get on with it and go for drinks? I'd also have to look after our baby alone if he did get drunk so I'm just not sure.
PlanDeRaccordement · 03/05/2021 17:48
Leave him to it. Grieving a parent is a very personal process. And there is no right or wrong way to do that. Telling him he shouldn’t toast the memory of his dad on the anniversary of his death was a very cold and unfeeling thing to say.
If he were getting drunk weekly and saying it’s because he lost his dad, I’d advise grief counselling and rehab as that is abnormal.
But a quiet few drinks once a year on the anniversary of his dad’s death, especially since it was fairly recent, is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.
Cocomarine · 03/05/2021 18:00
What went wrong a year ago when he did it? Is there some back story here?
It isn’t for you to decide what will help and not help. Being out of the house, not being alone but not being with others, alcohol - yeah, it’s a coping mechanism but so want if it isn’t an alcohol problem - that all sounds helpful to me.
The baby... unless you’ve got a backstory like a CS yesterday, or severe PND - of course you can look after a baby alone for one night.
The fact you think he would be incapacitated by drink is worrying though - again, back story?
But in principle picking up the slack with one baby whilst he grieves? Of course you could/should.
It really isn’t for you to tell him what’s helpful for him.
BoomBoomsCousin · 03/05/2021 18:03
I realize you have a baby together so it does mean he's laying some work on you, but while parenting is, ideally, a joint venture one of the big reasons for the joint bit being ideal is that it means you can both have some time off from that responsibility. If he did this every week and didn't give you the same break I would think you should take some action. But not being prepared to be in sole charge for a once a year thing is a recipe for disaster.
You can't tell him how to grieve. You may not even be right about it not being good for him.
Unless there's more to his behaviour than what you've put in your OP then I think YABVU.
If you weren't even living with him last year and you have a new baby now I presume things have moved quite fast and been quite stressful (new baby on it's own will do that). If this is just that then try and let it go. If there is really a bigger picture but this is a "big" tangible thing you feel you can address then it may be time for some candid conversations and some counseling.
sunshinesontv · 03/05/2021 18:03
He's a grown up so I'm sure he knows what will help him better than you do.
It has obviously become something of an annual tradition and I can't see how you could object to something so intensely personal, that happens once a year.
I never understand people who can't look after a child alone. Single parents do it every day.
Tisgrand · 03/05/2021 18:16
Well no I wouldn't "let" him, as I don't control my DP. He's entitled to recognise his dad's anniversary however he wants; you can of course tell him you're not happy with his plan but - unless he uses any excuse to get bladdered, I think he's within his rights to do what he wants. One night of looking after your DC alone shouldn't be too challenging for you?
Moffact · 03/05/2021 18:16
I think he'll be quite drunk. He doesn't drink often but when he does, he gets very drunk. He also did last year but it wasn't a problem as I was still pregnant and we weren't living together.
FairyDust123456 · 03/05/2021 19:01
I actually think you are being v unreasonable. Who are you to say whether he can or cannot go? Or how he is to remember his dad? One night, a few drinks on his own? Really? I think you should be more understanding and there for him, on one day a year he clearly finds tough.
Stevearnottsbeard · 03/05/2021 19:02
My stepmum died at the beginning of December, I got drunk that night, it didn't change anything but it helped numb the pain for a few hours, I doubt it will be the only time it happens, I loved her very much. Just let him go and get it out of his system, it's probably better for you that he's out the house.
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