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Should I leave him to it?

40 replies

Moffact · 03/05/2021 17:38

My partners dad passed away a few years ago (I didn't know him then) and tomorrow would've be his birthday. Partner says that later he's going to go to the pub and have quite a few drinks (like he did last year the day before the anniversary of his dads death but I wasn't living with him then). I've told him that it won't help him so he shouldn't but he thinks it will. Would you just let him get on with it and go for drinks? I'd also have to look after our baby alone if he did get drunk so I'm just not sure.


OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 03/05/2021 17:40

Is he going drinking alone or with mates?


HollowTalk · 03/05/2021 17:41

Would he just go to the pub on his own and get drunk? That sounds really depressing. What kind of relationship did he have with his dad? Does he have to work the next day?


Sunny1112 · 03/05/2021 17:42

Let him do it.


Leeds2 · 03/05/2021 17:47

I would let him get on with it. I'm sure you will be able to look after the baby by yourself for one evening.


PlanDeRaccordement · 03/05/2021 17:48

Leave him to it. Grieving a parent is a very personal process. And there is no right or wrong way to do that. Telling him he shouldn’t toast the memory of his dad on the anniversary of his death was a very cold and unfeeling thing to say.

If he were getting drunk weekly and saying it’s because he lost his dad, I’d advise grief counselling and rehab as that is abnormal.

But a quiet few drinks once a year on the anniversary of his dad’s death, especially since it was fairly recent, is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.


wonderingsoul · 03/05/2021 17:52

Why do you not think it will help?

Are you not capal of looking after your child for a random one night? /

Or is there more to this and hes a recovering alcoholic


SnuggyBuggy · 03/05/2021 17:54

What state is he likely to get into? That's the crux of it isn't it. A few drinks with family to remember someone once a year doesn't sound bad but coming home shitfaced when you have a baby is really immature to me.


Moffact · 03/05/2021 17:54


Would he just go to the pub on his own and get drunk? That sounds really depressing. What kind of relationship did he have with his dad? Does he have to work the next day?

He'd go alone. He doesn't have work tomorrow. They were close.
OP posts:

Aprilx · 03/05/2021 17:56

He’d go alone. He doesn’t have work tomorrow. They were close.

I would leave him to it then. Sounds like it is once a year and he wants some alone time to think about his dad. Why would you try to stop him?


lanthanum · 03/05/2021 17:59

Is it your regular pub? Is there a mate you can ask to keep an eye on him, if you're worried? It will probably be fine, but it might be reassuring to know that there's someone there who might offer him a lift home if it looks like he's overdoing it.


Cocomarine · 03/05/2021 18:00

What went wrong a year ago when he did it? Is there some back story here?

It isn’t for you to decide what will help and not help. Being out of the house, not being alone but not being with others, alcohol - yeah, it’s a coping mechanism but so want if it isn’t an alcohol problem - that all sounds helpful to me.

The baby... unless you’ve got a backstory like a CS yesterday, or severe PND - of course you can look after a baby alone for one night.

The fact you think he would be incapacitated by drink is worrying though - again, back story?

But in principle picking up the slack with one baby whilst he grieves? Of course you could/should.

It really isn’t for you to tell him what’s helpful for him.


BoomBoomsCousin · 03/05/2021 18:03

I realize you have a baby together so it does mean he's laying some work on you, but while parenting is, ideally, a joint venture one of the big reasons for the joint bit being ideal is that it means you can both have some time off from that responsibility. If he did this every week and didn't give you the same break I would think you should take some action. But not being prepared to be in sole charge for a once a year thing is a recipe for disaster.

You can't tell him how to grieve. You may not even be right about it not being good for him.

Unless there's more to his behaviour than what you've put in your OP then I think YABVU.

If you weren't even living with him last year and you have a new baby now I presume things have moved quite fast and been quite stressful (new baby on it's own will do that). If this is just that then try and let it go. If there is really a bigger picture but this is a "big" tangible thing you feel you can address then it may be time for some candid conversations and some counseling.


sunshinesontv · 03/05/2021 18:03

He's a grown up so I'm sure he knows what will help him better than you do.

It has obviously become something of an annual tradition and I can't see how you could object to something so intensely personal, that happens once a year.

I never understand people who can't look after a child alone. Single parents do it every day.


Tisgrand · 03/05/2021 18:16

Well no I wouldn't "let" him, as I don't control my DP. He's entitled to recognise his dad's anniversary however he wants; you can of course tell him you're not happy with his plan but - unless he uses any excuse to get bladdered, I think he's within his rights to do what he wants. One night of looking after your DC alone shouldn't be too challenging for you?


Moffact · 03/05/2021 18:16


What state is he likely to get into? That's the crux of it isn't it. A few drinks with family to remember someone once a year doesn't sound bad but coming home shitfaced when you have a baby is really immature to me.

I think he'll be quite drunk. He doesn't drink often but when he does, he gets very drunk. He also did last year but it wasn't a problem as I was still pregnant and we weren't living together.
OP posts:

Cocomarine · 03/05/2021 18:19

Right, but why is it a problem this year?
Why can’t you look after your baby for one night whilst he’s out / drunk / sleeping it off?


AuntieDolly · 03/05/2021 18:22

He's going to be very wet & cold (assuming you're in the UK)


Sunny1112 · 03/05/2021 18:25

I don’t understand why it’s a problem now your living together and have a baby?
It’s one night for his late dad, have you not been alone with your baby yet?
If he gets drunk then so what send him to the spare room when he gets in.


Brieminewine · 03/05/2021 18:28

Leave him to it. It’s one day/night to look after the baby alone, I’m sure you’ll cope.


BombyliusMajor · 03/05/2021 18:49

Leave him to it.


MamaWeasel · 03/05/2021 19:00

Let him do it. Can you not get a babysitter and go with him, and let him talk about his dad?


FairyDust123456 · 03/05/2021 19:01

I actually think you are being v unreasonable. Who are you to say whether he can or cannot go? Or how he is to remember his dad? One night, a few drinks on his own? Really? I think you should be more understanding and there for him, on one day a year he clearly finds tough.


sunflowersandbuttercups · 03/05/2021 19:02

He's an adult and more than capable of deciding what he wants to do.

There's no reason why you can't look after your baby alone for a little bit.


Stevearnottsbeard · 03/05/2021 19:02

My stepmum died at the beginning of December, I got drunk that night, it didn't change anything but it helped numb the pain for a few hours, I doubt it will be the only time it happens, I loved her very much. Just let him go and get it out of his system, it's probably better for you that he's out the house.


Purplecatshopaholic · 03/05/2021 19:07

Don’t make a big deal out of it, just let him get on with it. It’s his way of dealing with it. I might start to comment if it was, say, 20 years ago, but you say it only a few years ago.

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