to want to talk rather than wait for an email convo

[lifecanbelovely]

I told my BF I was upset with a couple of things last night.
He came back at me quite angry.
Then packed his bag and left.
He was supposed to stay last night and tonight.
We were supposed to go out today with his kids and my son.
He did say we could still go if we wanted to and told me he was still taking his kids on the day out.
No apology.
No mention of him leaving.
I transferred some money to pay for the booking and said we’d not be going as it would be awkward.
He says he wants to cool off for a few days and see what we think.
He says he doesn’t like face to face conversations like that, and would prefer to discuss via email.

So AIBU to say that doesn’t work for me.

I feel like he’s putting me on the naughty step and he’ll let me know when he thinks I should be spoken to.

Sounds like he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about this subject if he can’t plan his thoughts and word them carefully in advance. Is he usually a good verbal communicator?

I’d certainly not be having serious relationship discussions by email btw. He needs to get a backbone and face up to things face to face. It’s a bit cowardly to walk out, not say sorry, not want to discuss things for days and then only talk by email.

My husband has ASD and finds face to face communication very difficult. We were married 6 years before we realised. I think you should see what he has to say via email then go from there.

What's the back story?

What were the things you were upset about? How long have you been seeing him?

If talking doesn't work for him and emailing doesn't work for you, you've both hit a bit of an impasse and it's going to be difficult to move forward.

@sandragreen
The back story (while trying to keep it short) is:

We both have kids (I have one he has more), his ex wife he always dictated the child care schedule for the year, pretty stable apart from kids holidays.
I co parent one week on and off.

We used to see each other more but now we’ve are seeing each other alternate weekends.
I love him very much and we are very well matched imo.

Been with him 3.5 years since divorce.

I’ve raised that I feel upset that I only see him alternate weekends and then when it’s convenient for him.
He comes over when he drops off his kids on weds eve and Sunday eve. His kids live near to me.

So apart from alternate weekends, I’m bolted on for convenience.

But
I don’t journey to his house an hour away.
So I’ve been accepting it.

But
I realised yesterday that over three months, June to august, we only have 3 days and 4 nights together.
At the same time I raised that I feel upset that it’s like he only sees me from 8-9 pm weds and Sundays.

We got on with our day, played badminton, things were ok.

Then I mentioned about scattering my dads ashes. The date is on a Friday (his birthday).
He had previously said would I like him to go and I said yes.
I said it’s on a Friday, are you due to pick up the kids that day. He looked and said yes.
But then didn’t offer to ask his ex wife to change it slightly.

I had to go and collect my son.
When I came back I had hoped he’d say he’d sent a message to his ex so ask Tom Ollie t his kids the next morning.
But he hadn’t.

My son went to bed and he asked if I was ok and I said no.
I said I was upset.
I felt I deserved better and more support.

He responded with quite an angry tone.
I said something else.
He then said he was going to pack his stuff and go.
I asked was he sure. I said our relationship could rest on this.
He went.

Then he messaged this morning, no mention of night before, and said he was continuing the planned day out with his kids and we could still come if we wanted to.
The message was cold.
No ‘x’ which symbolises somethings wrong.

I paid the money for our booking and said it’s be awkward so we won’t go.

Then he said he’d prefer to email and he doesn’t like the ‘face to face discussions that we’ve been having.

We have argued no more than 3 times in 3.5 years!!!

He said that we should wait a few days and the ‘see what we both think’ but he was going to concentrate on the day with his kids today.

So he gets his day out, me and my son now have to find something else to recover the day, and I feel I’m being treated like I stepped out of line and he won’t have it.

@LuckyKitty13
Tell me more please.
He has had a bit of depression in the past and thinks he has add.

@WorraLiberty
Yes I know.
But I wonder if the relationship can really work if I can’t have an emotional conversation every now and then.
He doesn’t respond well to criticism.
I feel I have to trad very carefully sometimes.

I'm of two minds here. I do think it's beneficial for people to cool off before discussing something emotional. And it's not as though he's giving you the silent treatment; he was willing to go forward with your day.

But, on the other hand, you do need to be able to discuss things face to face, I think.

It sounds like this relationship served a purpose when you first split with your husband but maybe it has run it's natural course OP and isn't going to suit you long term?

@steff13
Yes I get you.
There is more back story but I’m not sure the thread can take the weight
And I’m not sure my ‘fat thumbs’ will tender the story useless

I think my issue here is that as soon as I criticised him and said I was upset, he got angry and decided he is not going to stay and talk.
Leaving me really upset without knowing what was happening.
And I still don’t know how he feels.

But what about how I feel.
And AIBU?

It seems that he needs to apologise to you

His poor behaviour, has upset plans for you & your family

If he doesn't, you have your answer & end the relationship

@sandragreen
As hard as that sounds, it might be true.
There are so many wonderful things about him.
Do I find a way around this or do I move on.
I love him very much and we enjoy time together.
But if we can’t find time to spend together and I feel that I fit my life more around his schedule, it isn’t fair is it.
I think it’s really about the fact he left and feels he can’t talk about it.

I think you’ve named someone’s kids in the longer post above, just incase you want to have MNHQ edit it.

@TakeYourFinalPosition hi there.
Thanks for flagging.
I haven’t but it is an auto correct.
I thinks it’s picked an actor or something

What do you want to know?
His type of ASD (autism spectrum disorder) is called Aspergers. Well its not technically called that anymore ita now just called ASD. He finds many aspects of life very difficult. Changes of routine, face to face conversation especially about stressful or emotionally charged things. He struggles to identify emotions or empathise. He suffers shut downs where he cant move ot talk for hours when he gets stressed or triggered. He has spent most of our marriage "masking" and hiding it. Recently due to life pressures - problems at work and a new baby, he has been unable to keep up the mask and there has been the revelation of his struggles. He's now suffering from autistic burnout and is having shutdowns every day. We are both in counselling and it is helping a lot , but is isn't the man I married- that person wasn't real it was all a mask. I would never have taken this on willingingly, but we are married and we both want to work through it together. So onwards we go.
There's lots of resources online about it. But if you're not married, no children that you have together and not living together, I would think very carefully before you decide to commit. A neurodiverse marriage is very challenging and at times I do think I deserve better. But its not his fault. He's a gorgeous, funny, loyal, kind, gentle husband and I absolutely adore him. His brain just works differently.
I'm not at all saying that's what your partner has. Im just saying give him the chance to explain. And then you do the same. Then decide if it crosses your red lines or not.

You have to 'tread carefully'?

No amount of good things outweigh that.

I asked was he sure. I said our relationship could rest on this.

I'm not sure this was a good move, stakes-wise, unless you 100% meant it and are prepared to see it through. Given that you've made this a make or break thing for the whole relationship, I think he's wise to take some time to get his thoughts in order. You should discuss it face-to-face rather than by email, but not when you're both upset and things are ramping up so much. I think if you're not splitting up, then really you should try to address the issue of how often you see each other as a separate matter to the scattering ashes as that's so emotional it's not going to go well.

Could you offer to travel to his more op? He might be feeling the weight of doing all the visiting.

@LuckyKitty13
You clearly speak from wisdom and I’d be unwise to ignore it.
He has an autistic son.
He thinks his daughter has adhd.
And he has said that a counsellor or advisor in his past asked if he had considered testing.
You have made me think about a ‘mask’ though.
Because most of the time, my BF is absolutely wonderful.
He gets tetchy and irritable sometimes and I have to be very careful not to offend him.
He has a high eq.
Appreciate any advice or feedback.

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to accept these things in your marriage. It must be tough.
I left my DH after 28 years, realised he was a narcissist.
Took me a while.

@YoniAndGuy
Good point. Well highlighted.
And that’s made me think.

@Teabaghag
Yes I could travel there.
Ever since we met (online) when his location was set to very near me, he has said he is moving to my area.
And he hasn’t.
And there’s always excuses.
Things would absolutely be better if he lived nearer I believe.
I feel like we’re living this commitment avoidance zone. And maybe it’s my issue that what I really want is a marriage or fully committed relationship with someone to share all of life with.

@Pinkdelight3
You are right to say that the emotional dads ashes bit should be dealt with separately.
I think I just need more support at the moment and I feel I’m not getting it.
So these things have ended up in the same conversation.

@Pinkdelight3
I don’t think I have ever given ultimatum before.
I did mean it. And I still do.
I do think that when he chose to walk out last night he needed to know the effect that could have on me and the way I feel about us.
I felt I needed him last night.
I was upset.
He’s made this about him and the way he feels.
He’s done this before.

I spent 28 years with a narcissist. My ex.
I'm still rebuilding my confidence because of it.
So maybe I bring my own issues to this relationship.

What you explain is very much what I'd felt with my ex.

I've just been revisiting adhd.
He does seem to fit the symptoms a bit. But he diagnosed this, not me.

But he really does have a problem taking criticism.
And if I'm delivering it because I'm feeling emotional, it's not going to end well I suppose.

I'm so sorry you have to go through what you do.
Here for a pm if needed. Any time.