to want to talk rather than wait for an email convo

[lifecanbelovely]

I told my BF I was upset with a couple of things last night.
He came back at me quite angry.
Then packed his bag and left.
He was supposed to stay last night and tonight.
We were supposed to go out today with his kids and my son.
He did say we could still go if we wanted to and told me he was still taking his kids on the day out.
No apology.
No mention of him leaving.
I transferred some money to pay for the booking and said we’d not be going as it would be awkward.
He says he wants to cool off for a few days and see what we think.
He says he doesn’t like face to face conversations like that, and would prefer to discuss via email.

So AIBU to say that doesn’t work for me.

I feel like he’s putting me on the naughty step and he’ll let me know when he thinks I should be spoken to.

I don’t think there is any excuse for his behaviour tbh. He disregarded your feelings because he doesn’t want to deal with them. He is still making it known that he is annoyed with you. You feel like an afterthought. Why do you tolerate him treating you like this?

You say you love him, but does he love you? If so, he needs to act like it.

Well, he dumped me.
Because he says he can't give me what I deserve and i deserve better apparently.
So that's that then.
I'm gutted.
3.5 years, gone, without a conversation.
Wow!

Oh love, I feared that's what might happen when you said that your relationship rested on what he did - and what he did was leave. It must feel so extreme, but as you said you meant it as an ultimatum, and it's been bubbling in the background a while with him not moving or seeing you more, then I guess he took you at your word and cut things off dead rather than dragged them out with discussion that he's incapable of. So it makes sense in this context, but it's still a really horrible thing to happen and must hurt a great deal especially when the whole point was that you needed more support from him. It must be a shock right now, but if there's a positive to take from it, it's that you won't be wasting any more time on a man who can't meet your (not at all unreasonable) needs. I hope you can get some RL support to help you get through this and put him behind you.

@Pinkdelight3
Thank you for your supportive email.
I’m very low at the moment.
Trying to work out how I’ll get through the next few hours, weeks etc.
I have my son with me this week so I have to keep things going.
I’m also early on hrt but it’s been a bit up and down and I’ve already been feeling very low at times.
So this will hit double for a while.
I’ve never taken anti depressants. But I might reach out for some help.
This is too tough at the moment.

But you’re right. I put him in a position that he can’t work with.
To just walk away without a conversation or a fight for what we had for 3.5 years is such a kick in the gut.

He knew you were very likely going to end it. So he did, so that he could say he did.

Best outcome.

Just don't get in touch with him - really hard I know! - but just let it go.

He will KNOW by that that he jumped before he was pushed, and hopefully that will give you back the power.

He knew he'd come to the end of YOUR tether. His actions here are all about him saving face.

Don't be surprised if, if you maintain radio silence, he pops back up in a couple of months... hoping you've missed him enough to learn your lesson and always put his needs first in future.

Big fat old birdie to him if he does that.

Selfish, entitled, and willing to be a bully to keep that entitlement.

Bleurgh.

Sorry you are feeling so low but from what you’ve written this relationship had run it’s course. It’s hard to believe you were really happy with such limited contact, in fact it’s hard to see that as a serious relationship really.

Have some time to look after yourself, get out a bit, let the hrt settle and I think you’ll find in the not very distant future that you are better off without him.

Take care.

Thanks @MatildaTheCat
I hope you’re right.
Hurts like hell today.
It’ll take time I suppose.

@YoniAndGuy
I know you’re probably right about all this.
But what you’re describing doesn’t sound like this guy.
I was married to someone like that before.
But I don’t think he’ll be coming back.
I’m fairly sure he’s hurting as much as I am.
But he’s protecting himself and his mental well-being before even trying to move forward.

I think in general wanting to cool off is fine, and wanting to email or text rather than on the phone suits some people. You can’t force someone to speak right away.

I also think however that he’s not treating you well, and you would be better off without this relationship.

You need to protect yourself and your mental well-being, which I think means ending it.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing
Thanks Gertrude.
I do have to look after myself. I’m not sure how to do that the best at the moment.
I’m sure I’ll find the way through.

I’m staring to see that it wasn’t as good a relationship as I thought.