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Original poster

Ex and dds birthday

34 replies

CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 14:19

It’s my daughters birthday today, my ex said yesterday that he would come and see her today, I messaged back saying yeh that’s fine. He didn’t message back again so I assumed he would let me know what time in the morning, however nothing today. At 12 I sent him a message asking what his plans were for today to come and he just never responded. He lives 2 hours away so obviously would have confirmed early if he was coming, I just don’t know how you can do that tbh, arrange to see your child ON their birthday and just not show up?! And ignore my messages, good job I never told her he was coming but how are children ever meant to learn what the other parent is like if you never tell them anything? I am tempted to block him as I’m so annoyed by this. He asked me to come, I didn’t invite him, then to just not show up and ignore me

OP posts:
20wedding19 · 02/05/2021 14:24

Tempting as it is, I wouldbt block him as that would add fuel to the fire.
Its a pain always having to be the bigger person but sounds like you are.
It sounds like he has form for this behaviour as you didn't tell her he was coming?
A very happy birthday to your daughter. I'm sure you have made it special for her without him....hope someone can come soon for advice x

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 14:24

He hasn’t seen any of our children since January so yes sadly this behaviour is typical.

OP posts:
Sunny1112 · 02/05/2021 14:27

I wouldn’t block, but you can ignore him if you choose too 😊

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 14:28

So I should still give him opportunities after this? He’s seen them once in the last 6 months and last saw them January

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 02/05/2021 14:30

Fuck him, block him. nothing damages a child more than an inconsistent/absent parent.

ifyougetthechancedoit · 02/05/2021 14:36

I'm fuming for you OP, here have a virtual bottle of gin Gin

It doesn't really help you, but I think NRP who do this should be fined and it should be added to the maintenance. (I know it's not practical but you see so many RPs that are messed about like this, not to mention the impact on the kids).

TwoStepsAhead34 · 02/05/2021 14:52

Just ignore his shit. My ex has not attended a single birthday party since he left 8 years ago. All the other dads manage to organise their work/family/hobbies so they could be there (or so it seems) but my ex was "I'm at work!" Or "Can't, got football tournament then in Kent!". So I've just organised and done everything myself, enjoyed the day with the kids as much as you possibly can as a parent throwing a party (if you've done it, you know how stressful it is) and just be there for the kids. Best thing ever for me was to not talking to him anymore. Not contacting for bits and NOT ASKING FOR ANYTHING! Sod him.
Enjoy your kid and birthdays and Christmases.
Your presence is the biggest present your kid can have.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 15:07

That’s the thing I didn’t invite him and never do, he literally asked to come today, and hasn’t responded to a single one of my messages

OP posts:
Biblionerd · 02/05/2021 15:20

How old is DD? I'm asking because my exH was really ropey about turning up for the children we separated when DS was 5 and DD was 2 (he lives a 5 minute drive away). I never said anything to them at all, and always held my tongue in front of them until they got old enough to notice. Now they're 11 and 8, they know which of their parents they can rely on, who they can trust and are now dealing with his unreliability themselves by letting him know how they feel.

When he is being a knob and they're asking where he is I am always honest but kind. So questions of 'when are we seeing dad' or 'why didn't he come when he said' are met with - I don't know, I'm sorry this happened to you, you're so wonderful that it is something on his side and definitely not yours (and recently added in the occasional you don't deserve to be made to feel sad or you really deserve something much better).

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 15:23

She’s just turned 4 so a bit too young but we have older children as well, but that’s just my point how are they ever meant to see for themselves if you never tell them this stuff, I get protecting them but then people always say “they will see for themselves” how exactly 😕 still no response from him.

OP posts:
Boo2997 · 02/05/2021 15:24

That’s so sad op. Why do they do it? My sons dad only lives a few minutes away and he’s a letdown too. He did come and see DS on his birthday recently but it was literally 10 minutes.

I can understand your frustration though. Last week my sons dad told my son directly that he was taking him out for the day on Saturday (yesterday) but did he? Nope. Worst thing is DS has learnt to expect it so he didn’t appear upset but think it bothers him more than he lets on.

How does she feel about him? I think you said she was unaware he should of been coming today? But generally at any other time?! Honesty sounds like she’s better off without op! She has you and that’s all that matters 💕

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 15:35

She doesn’t see him as a dad, he’s spent most of her life absent, tbh I should have known, he told me when she was 5 days old he would come and see her and just never showed up, no call no text nothing. He next saw her again when she was 1 years old.

OP posts:
Biblionerd · 02/05/2021 15:39

@CandyFIosss

She’s just turned 4 so a bit too young but we have older children as well, but that’s just my point how are they ever meant to see for themselves if you never tell them this stuff, I get protecting them but then people always say “they will see for themselves” how exactly 😕 still no response from him.
They just sort of, know. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but they see it now even if it has taken a long time. They know that all their best memories are with me, they know that he is absent/unreliable, they see the relationship their friends with separated parents have with their dads and they see the difference. They will know!
Biblionerd · 02/05/2021 15:43

Boo, that is so so sad that he waited, we have the same here, sometimes he just doesn't turn up, when we were on holiday last year, phone signal was a bit ropey but DS (11) arranged to call his dad at a particular time, he rode his bike up to the bit of the campsite where there was signal and called and called, no answer. He feels it deeply, I can see his heart breaking. Our young people will grow strong because they have us!!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/05/2021 15:57

@CandyFIosss

She’s just turned 4 so a bit too young but we have older children as well, but that’s just my point how are they ever meant to see for themselves if you never tell them this stuff, I get protecting them but then people always say “they will see for themselves” how exactly 😕 still no response from him.
"They will see for themselves" slowly. My grandson's father was always promising to come for a visit, come see him play soccer, take him for a burger, etc. The poor kid would be up and dressed and waiting. And waiting. He would want to call his Dad, and there was always an excuse - "Had to work", "Truck isn't running", "Out of gas", etc. For Christmas my grandson wanted to give his father gas gift cards so he could come visit. FYI, Dad only lived 12 miles away. Visits went from twice a year, to once every two years, and now - haven't seen him in about six years. My grandson called his Dad and invited him to his High School graduation ceremony. Dad said he would try, if he could get the time off work. Ceremony is on a Sunday, and Dad works for His Father!! Grandson said he wasn't saving him a seat!
MarcelinesMa · 02/05/2021 16:05

He’s a fucking prick. Next time he asks if he can come round on a birthday or other special occasion I would say no- you already have plans and let him decide if he asks for an alternative day. If only so the birthday child’s day isn’t marred by daddy being a selfish twat who lets them down on their special day. Children remember this stuff in my experience. I remember my 5th birthday vividly as my parents who were already divorced by that point, chose that day to have a screaming row and I didn’t get to blow out my candles and make a wish because my mum “didn’t feel like it”.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 16:19

Thanks everyone but I’m not giving him another chance after this, this is the final straw, he was absent for a year before this and he makes me feel like I am the reason and sometimes he convinces me of it so I end up thinking maybe it was me but then every now and again he does something like this and proves to me that it isn’t me, he’s really pissed me off today for what should have been a happy day I now feel pissed off so I’m blocking him and not giving him another chance to do this again.

OP posts:
GoddessKali · 02/05/2021 16:22

Don’t let him know this as that’s exactly what he wants!
He clearly doesn’t care about his children, so it’s you he’s actually targeting through this.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 16:30

I agree, I think it was deliberate, the fact he’s completely ignored me says that, if he had said in the morning I’m sorry but I can’t make it I would have been slightly annoyed but the just completely ignore my messages is something else really! He doesn’t know that I didn’t tell them so for all he knows the children could he asking where he is

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 02/05/2021 16:35

Im youngest dd never had her dad come and see her on her b/day. His b/d was the next day and never once said he was coming. Although he would have come to see my eldest.

They both 23 and 21 and not seen them for at least 7 yrs.

Biblionerd · 02/05/2021 16:35

That seems like a really good idea, he can't hurt you or the kids if he can't make plans to break. I promise they Will see it, as they grow up, who they can rely on!

Porcupineintherough · 02/05/2021 16:50

You cant make him a better dad OP but you can stop facilitating him. In future I suggest you leave the ball squarely in his court. If he wants to see them it's up to him to proactively make the arrangements with you. No more prompts, suggestions, meeting him half way. You act as if he's not coming til he shows up on the doorstep.

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 16:54

I didn’t ask him to come, he suggested it. I purely asked in the morning what time he was coming as hate people just showing up, so thought I would check what time he planned to come

OP posts:
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 02/05/2021 16:57

Can you let him go via courts if he wants access? Have you kept a diary of messages, dates he did and didn't arrive?

Original poster
CandyFIosss · 02/05/2021 16:58

He wouldn’t go to court

OP posts:
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