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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to this group

42 replies

Tealvelvet · 02/05/2021 09:56

Posting here for traffic.

Back story met a group of mums hung out holidays etc for a number of years new girl introduced and I found myself on the outs. There was an argument nothing serious no lying cheating infidelity just familiarity breeds contempt and jealousy. After that I politely declined any invitations to go out as a group and made it clear I was happy to have one one on ones with others. They all dropped me bar 1. Anyway we got to the same social club our husbands and children remained friends.

It is very very awkward as they pointedly ignore me I usually wave or say hello if I’m in unavoidable close proximity but they do not.

So lock down was great didn’t see them but yesterday they were all there and again ignoring. I did wave on my way out they may or may not have seen.

I think a little wave or acknowledgment would make the situation just so much easier and less embarrassing when I’m with
My other friends and also a bit more adult.

So should I text them all and say ladies this is daft let’s just say hi at the club as I think this would make the situation more normal.

I’m not wanting to get back in to the group or to have an extended convo.

What do you think or any tips this is a bunch of middle aged woman I find it bizarre.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 02/05/2021 10:04

I think without knowing what the argument was about, it's hard to give tips.

Workinghardeveryday · 02/05/2021 10:04

Sorry you’re going through this.
I think no matter what the age women together can be horrible! I have seen it myself happen to other women on the play ground, it’s shocking!
If I were you I would not txt, next time it happens I would make it my business to cross paths and say ‘morning’ or whatever as I was walking past with a cheery smile. Either that or ignore them completely.
Tbh op the don’t sound like nice people, I wouldn’t let it bother me, they really aren’t worth your thoughts!!
Xx

Hopdathelf · 02/05/2021 10:04

So you told a group you weren’t interested in spending time with them except on your specific terms now you want them as a group to be friendly with you?

I can see why they’re a bit wary to be honest.

Dishwashersaurous · 02/05/2021 10:07

You told them that you didn't want to hang out with them, and now you wonder why they are not acknowledging you?

Surely it would be odd if they did try and be friendly

GoddessKali · 02/05/2021 10:08

To be honest it does sound a little like you want to dictate everything..... I’d just smile and say hello if you encounter anyone directly but otherwise pretend they’re not there and you don’t know them.
It seems like you’re more worried about keeping up appearances and what other people will think that the reality of the situation.

imsureineverdo · 02/05/2021 10:08

I think you can’t have it all ways!

LemonRoses · 02/05/2021 10:09

You snubbed them. They have no need of your friendship.

Original poster
Tealvelvet · 02/05/2021 10:10

It wasn’t really like that - me saying I’ll talk on my terms. It’s just a bit of a saga they are not very nice people and they bitch about each other and everyone. I didn’t want to get into the Queen b type thing but the argument was with her and she controls who is in and who is out. It also wasn’t really an argument it was this girl telling me all my failings and how other girls in group were her friends etc all the others I guess took sides. One girls has remained Switzerland They knew why I might not want to come out again she never apologised and when I got in touch for sake of husbands and kids she was too busy to talk. Had the others contacted me I was going to say we could just be social pals on their terms to save any awkwardness but that conversation never took place.

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 02/05/2021 10:11

I'd just leave it tbh op

Original poster
Tealvelvet · 02/05/2021 10:12

I didn’t word this very well as I can see it sounds like I’m dictating. I just think it’s weird to not just act like adults.

OP posts:
BoyTree · 02/05/2021 10:13

I can understand you not wanting to socialise with a particular person, but you effectively dropped them, so I'm not sure why you are expecting them to want to maintain a relationship with them.

You made it clear that your dislike for a single person was more important than your friendships with the others - you may have been justified in that, but I don't think you can have it both ways.

WildfirePonie · 02/05/2021 10:13

Please stop waving to them, I know you mean well but it gives them more power and more reason to ignore you.

Just mirror them... ignore, ignore, ignore. Blank stare and ignore. Best part is that they probably won't like seeing you confident and free of them. They sound like shit friends btw.

Hopdathelf · 02/05/2021 10:14

they are not very nice people and they bitch about each other and everyone

Sounds like you really don’t like them so why do you care? It’s not stopping your partners or children getting on with their friendships so just get on with your own life and leave them to it.

Original poster
Tealvelvet · 02/05/2021 10:14

@BoyTree as I said I don’t want a relationship with them it’s just awkward it’s like the school playground.

OP posts:
SeaTurtles92 · 02/05/2021 10:15

Sounds like playground stuff. I'd be happy they were no longer speaking to me.

Dishwashersaurous · 02/05/2021 10:16

You've been really clear that you don't like them and don't want a relationship. So why would you want or expect them to wave and engage with you?

ChameleonKola · 02/05/2021 10:18

Next time you’re there just walk over and say hey, nice to see you, so and so look like they’re having fun! Anyway catch you later!

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 10:19

Just rise above it. You've said you don't want to join in with them so just act like they are anyone else.

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 10:20

[quote Tealvelvet]@BoyTree as I said I don’t want a relationship with them it’s just awkward it’s like the school playground.[/quote]
Don't give them any more of your headspace. They aren't worrying about you.

MindTheBumps · 02/05/2021 10:20

I would just ignore them to be honest. Get on with your own life. How much time are you spending at the club for it to be an issue.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 02/05/2021 10:22

I wouldn't even grace them with a wave, let alone a hello or a message about their behaviour, all they're going to do is bitch about you in the group and still ignore you when you meet up.

manymanymany · 02/05/2021 10:22

Sounds awkward, they should definitely acknowledge you - just a wave and a hi. It's polite.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 02/05/2021 10:23

I’d honestly just ignore them. You say it’s ‘awkward’, but isn’t it much more awkward if you’re stood there waving and smiling and they pointedly don’t respond? If I was with you at this social club, I wouldn’t even notice that there were people you hadn’t spoken to - but I would notice you trying to speak to people and them ignoring you. You’re just drawing attention to it.

Also, bear in mind that, if you message asking ‘Can’t we just acknowledge one another/be civil’ or similar, it WILL be seen as an attempt to restart the friendships. (And I say this as someone who had an ex-friend trying to worm her way back in. Mutual friends tried the whole ‘Can’t you just be civil to each other?’ line, but I knew it would never be enough for her.)

ZoeMaye · 02/05/2021 10:30

Don't wave. Fuck them. Even fuck Switzerland. Make some new friends. Or don't. Let the mean girls go on their way anyway. And if it's awkward it's awkward.

beachsidecafe · 02/05/2021 10:33

I don't think it can be anything other than awkward, but it is only really awkward if you allow it to be. Just ignore them and pretend you don't know them. You don't have to smile or wave, just carry on with your evening and don't look in their direction.

If you pretend and act like they are total strangers it will be easier.

It is embarrassing for you if you are being civil and they are not, just move past it. The group are not you idea of good and healthy friendship, but you will have left a dent in the collective group pride by choosing to leave, make no mistake that will sting so that is why they are not talking to you. I imagine they feel hurt and rejected on some level. Not your problem, but don't expect pleasantries.