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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling resentful

39 replies

Motherofking · 01/05/2021 23:59

I feel resentful and jealous when I see other mums have the ability to do things like go to the gym , go socialise or even get their hair done . Ever since I have my baby 11months ago ive been his primary care giver and have never had any me time or the ability to leave the house alone . Im just starting to feel down and it's causing me to have negative feelings towards my baby. I love being his mum very much but I miss who I was. Im not saying I want my old life back but I want to be able to do little basic things like have a bath alone or go hair salon

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 02/05/2021 00:04

I found it hard but mine are much bigger now.
I can’t begin to imagine how much harder it has been in a pandemic.
I relied heavily on baby groups and visiting mum friends.

Do you have much adult support? Friends, family or partner?
Is it a case of not having anyone to leave him with or are you anxious about leaving him or he doesn’t like being apart from you?

Happycat1212 · 02/05/2021 00:04

Are you a single parent then?

Motherofking · 02/05/2021 00:11

The pandemic has made it hard because I've not been able to go to baby groups or make mum friends . The only places we've been to is the supermarket and visiting family occasionally but not as much as I'm trying to stay safe . I have my partner but I can't leave him with the baby because he doesn't know how to do anything . Can't change nappy, feed him or put him to sleep . Ive tried teach him but he's never interested . So I just feel trapped . I also don't feel comfortable leaving him with the family members that are close by. So I just feel trapped

OP posts:
HoboSexualOnslow · 02/05/2021 00:15

You should feel angry at your 'partner' for not parenting!

Motherofking · 02/05/2021 00:15

No I'm not a single parent but I feel like one I also feel resentment toward my child's dad .

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Motherofking · 02/05/2021 00:18

Yes I do feel angry towards him too

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onepieceoflollipop · 02/05/2021 00:18

It must be very hard with a partner who doesn’t know how to do anything.
He could learn though assuming no disability or issue that prevents this? Does he not want to learn how to interact with and care for the baby? Is he the dad?
With you not feeling comfortable leaving baby with family - is this due to anxiety or maybe wanting things done “your own way”
Is there some reason family wouldn’t be able to look after him safely?

Unless it is dangerous to leave him with your dp I would suggest starting off very small (literally leave him for 10 minutes to have shower or go to the local shop). If dp is unwilling to learn or try to learn then you may need to consider how much of a partner he really is?

Happycat1212 · 02/05/2021 00:27

So leave the child with him and go out? I haven’t had a single break in 4 years, not one day but then I’m a lone parent, if You have a partner then leave the child with him and go out? Confused

Elzibells · 02/05/2021 00:29

Are other mums doing those things though or do you just assume they are? I have a 12mth old and have only had 2 occasions away for a couple of hours. DC is super clingy to me. I just assume it is all because of the pandemic which makes it a bit easier to deal with. You should be so proud of yourself having gone through this last year with a new baby, not easy 💐

Motherofking · 02/05/2021 00:31

He loves playing and interacting with him here and there when he wants to but if I want to go have a shower and ask him to watch the baby he have something he needs to do. I offer to teach him how to feed or change him and he keeps saying he will learn when the baby is older but her already 11 months and he's been saying this since he was a new born . Yes he is the father as well. Also in regards to family I feel anxious mainly because I've never left my son with them Alone but I also feel awkward asking for help .im worried I will get judged for needing a break.

OP posts:
Motherofking · 02/05/2021 00:34

@happycat1212 I would want to leave him with my partner but as ive said he doesn't know how to do any parental duties so I wouldn't be able to

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Motherofking · 02/05/2021 00:36

@elzibells thanks !! I'm glad to hear your experience . And that's an interesting perspective I think I just assumed they are just based off social media stories and posts

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Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 02/05/2021 00:36

What do you think your partner would do if you left him alone with the baby for an hour and the baby woke up? Would he step up, pick up baby, and try and see what he needs, or would he be straight on the phone to you expecting you to come back? I think I might be tempted to give this a try, as if baby sleeps right through, then you've had a chance to just escape for a little while, and if not, and your partner rings, just ignore the phone, then head home and see how he's coped. I think it may just be that like a lot of first time fathers, he feels a bit intimidated because you seem to know how to do everything perfectly, so perhaps being left to cope, might give him the confidence to at least try and do what needs to be done. You don't need to be far away, maybe pop to see a friend for a coffee, or arrange to have your hair done, at least then if he rings you can say 'I can't come yet', and give him instructions on what he needs to do, but you do need to force his hand a bit in my opinion, as otherwise, as you've already said, you will resent your baby because you will feel he has stolen your life.

Also, have you actually talked to your partner about the fact that you feel trapped because he's so useless? If not, then you need to, NOW!

onepieceoflollipop · 02/05/2021 00:37

It’s a good start if he likes playing/interacting with your son. He can build on this. Have a low key and encouraging conversation with him when the baby is asleep.
Tell him what you have told us.
He doesn’t need you to teach him how to feed a baby. Or change s nappy.
If he genuinely doesn’t know he needs to get reading up on it quickly!
Maybe set some targets - e.g. on Sunday you will be out for 20 minutes picking up chocolate or milk or something and he will be playing with the little one,

Howyoudoingirl · 02/05/2021 00:39

Go out & leave him to look after his child. He will figure it out. You really need to stop allowing this bullshit to continue.

Elzibells · 02/05/2021 00:49

People are always presenting their 'perfect' life on social media. It's fake. Don't let it get you down, it isn't real. The advice from speakupmakeyourselfheard sounds good, trial it! go out just once for a short period and see what happens, you might be pleasantly surprised. You need to prioritize yourself a little if you are feeling resentful, it isn't a good place to be for you or baby. If you don't the whole thing will fall apart. I struggled to relinquish control and to let anyone take care of DC because of how little we have been apart over the last year but have found despite my (through the roof) anxiety about leaving them it has been fine, they muddle through without you. I was most put out...when I returned, DC barely even noticed I had been gone!

Disneyforever1974 · 02/05/2021 00:56

You’re bringing this all on yourself, if you want to have a shower just go for one, of course your DP can look after the baby, he doesn’t need to be shown he just needs to get on with it. Your feeling resentful over things you are choosing to do if you want to get your hair cut just make an appointment and either tell your DP that you’re going out or ask your family if they mind baby sitting while you get your hair done. They won’t judge you, they’ll just say yes or no.

reader12 · 02/05/2021 01:13

You need to start standing up for yourself. Your partner is lazy and selfish and you’re letting him behave this way. This situation isn’t fair on you or your baby. If you can’t be stronger for you, do it for the baby. He needs a mum who’s happy and doesn’t resent him, and a dad who’s not useless.

idontlikealdi · 02/05/2021 09:12

You have a "partner" who is a year. Why did you have a baby with him in the first place? What exactly did you think would happened how it would pan out?

madmara · 02/05/2021 09:22

You need to have a sit down with your partner and tell him he doesn't have the option to learn when the baby is older. You had to learn, so does he. I would agree with other posters to start small and work up to longer periods of time when your partner is confident in knowing what the baby needs.

Ignore posters who ask you why you had a baby with him? Until they invent time travel, it's a really stupid question.

Aprilx · 02/05/2021 09:24

It does seem like you have made a rod for your own back. You have family that could help but you won’t use them and as for your partner, our need to allow him (or make him) figure things out for himself by telling him you are going for a shower, or going out or whatever.

unicornsarereal72 · 02/05/2021 09:43

Is this more about how you feel. I was the same that the children were my responsibility. Not my parents etc. They want to help and enjoy your little one too.

What's the worst that would happen. If you have got little one up washed dressed changed etc. And you went out for an hour. Left drink and snack for little to be given. Start of with half an hour and build it up until everyone is more confident.

You have options. Like others I'm a lone parent with kids who refuses to see their dad. They are older and less needy but have some additional needs. Getting a break isn't easy, but It is important for everyone's well being.

jollyho · 02/05/2021 09:59

Good advise from the above. I left my, then only about 2 month old, alone with his dad to see a film, pre covid. I didn’t leave any instructions, and they’d never been alone together. They were fine, and I made it a weekly thing throughout maternity leave. Just take the jump and go out. If he calls, pick up and assess.

Hopdathelf · 02/05/2021 09:59

I agree with PPs. You’re very much bringing this on yourself by not asking family for help or insisting your partner pull his weight.

Why do you think family would judge you for wanting an afternoon to yourself? Are you judging other women who do this? Hopefully not as it is perfectly normal. Some women even work full time through choice or necessity.

Italiangreyhound · 02/05/2021 10:08

Please, please teach your partner how to care for his son! Imagine if you are I'll or injured at a y time. How awful,and dangerous, fir your partner Tobe totally clueless.

Explain that as baby turns one it is essential his dad knows how to care for baby. Talk about any concerns he has and stress them.

Decide a time and say when you will go out for a little walk. Alone.book a fair appointment and build to that with short walks.

Are you breast feeding? If so express so he can feed baby too if not show to safely make up the bottle.

This us about your part we building a relationship with his son and about you having a life outside home/baby care.

Your family will not judge you but if they do judge them right back for being crap! But first get your do helping more.