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to not understand why people keep saying they feel attacked because someone disagrees with them?

63 replies

KirstyT79 · 30/04/2021 21:55

hello. i have recently name changed but have been a mumsnetter since december. i have made posts where most people have not agreed with my posts but never felt attacked just that people were telling me honestly what they felt. anyone else feel a bit tired of this whole "i'm being attacked because others don't agree with me" mentality?. i have tbf seen some vile replies to threads but to be honest not massivly

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

VettiyaIruken · 30/04/2021 21:58

Some people feel like not seeing something their way is an attack on them.


Catswithflamingos · 30/04/2021 22:02

It’s a joke. ‘I feel personally attacked’ is a joke.


AnUnoriginalUsername · 30/04/2021 22:07

My favourite is when racists/homophobes etc take this stance. Like they have the right to say horrible things about a woman walking past them because she's wearing a niqab but take offence at being told they can't judge people they don't know based on things like their religion.


toffeebutterpopcorn · 30/04/2021 22:09

Because they are silly babies?

When I hear ‘safe space’ I think if my fire training at work and think of safe havens for people who can’t be evacuated. Not a fur lined room with soft lighting and whale music for the emotionally distraught.


MajesticWhine · 30/04/2021 22:10

I agree with you OP. But are you referring to a particular example?


MatthewHBpig · 30/04/2021 22:11


It’s a joke. ‘I feel personally attacked’ is a joke.

See other thread about jokes that aren't funny!

Magnificentmug12 · 30/04/2021 22:13

People these days are snowflakes.

Children are snowflakes.
Women are snowflakes
Men are snowflakes
People who identify as who or what ever are snowflakes.

People are too self absorbed or are too aware of others- which both are bad- there’s no balance!


emilyfrost · 30/04/2021 22:29

YANBU. Someone gets offended... so what? Get over it.


KirstyT79 · 01/05/2021 03:10

@MagesticWhine i wasn't pointing to a particular thread was just thinking of the many threads where i have seen someone post something that some people haven't agreed with and other posters have taken the disagreement like some sort of personal afront or an attack and have reported multiple posts feeling like they have been bullied. but if your asking for thread examples i won't link to it but someone posted a thread about his wife being abusive and having what he called temper tantrums. someone was trying to post that she thought he should listen to her and all many replies to his comment were trying to say (which i agree with by the way) was there was no need for controling or abusive behaviour. various posters made that point and the person saying he should listen to them reported almost every post. actually the whole thread ended up being derailed with almost a competion to see who could report what comment and at what speed. but i have seen others like this one

OP posts:

KirstyT79 · 01/05/2021 03:13

i have made posts which surprised me that nobody agreed with me, but surprised, not offended. some people need to give their heads a wobble.

OP posts:

NiceGerbil · 01/05/2021 03:24

I've not really seen that on here but I don't read all the topics.

There can be some pretty brutal words sometimes. And people can take stuff pretty personally because it's human nature. And plenty of women on here are a bit fragile (I took things a lot more to heart when I had lost natal depression and anxiety for example).

Like I say I don't see this much on here.

On Twitter it's bog standard. Way way worse. Of social media in general I think it's a bit more grown up here iyswim.


Helenahandbasket1 · 01/05/2021 03:25

I think there’s a tendency on here at the moment for people to be quite cutting and deliberately misunderstand the OP. There is a thread in AIBU at the moment where the poor OP is a long term SAHM who has facilitated her husbands career and now has limited earning potential. She is clearly in a financially abusive relationship however many of the responses are “get a job, pay your way” type rubbish. I occasionally stumble over threads from 10 years ago when searching for something else and am struck by how much more gentle and supportive the responses are.


NiceGerbil · 01/05/2021 03:26

Also people do the whole you're picking on me thing when they are told by pretty much everyone they're wrong.

This phrase is just a rehash of you're all mean I think.


KirstyT79 · 01/05/2021 06:13

i guess it probably does depend on the thread. i just find it hard to get upset about what someone on a forum where we are all faceless and don't use our real names think of me. but i did read that other aibu thread and not many people were being very helpful to her at all. but i do think a good tip would be if your going to poke fun in a joky way remember your imogies as when everything is written down rather than spoken sometimes the context of a post can be taken the wrong way.

OP posts:

Aliceandthemarchhare · 01/05/2021 06:16

It’s how it’s done, a lot of the time.

‘Aibu to ask my mum not to give the DCs chocolates’ might elicit a response like ‘YABU, this tends to be what grandparents do. If they’ve a healthy diet with you chocolates a few times a week won’t make a difference, relax!’

But then you get a few posters who will say things like you’d hate me OP, I’m eating chocolate now, I must be a fat cow and yes YABU, sort out your own childcare and stop whining about it on MN and god I’m glad I don’t know you op, sounds so humourless and joyless

They aren’t just disagreeing, they are disagreeing by attacking the OPs perceived character.


araiwa · 01/05/2021 06:22

Usually people feel attacked if their position is weak and they struggle to defend it. Saying they're being attacked is their only defense


SeaTurtles92 · 01/05/2021 06:28

Most of these posters will ask AIBU? Then you say, yes you're BU.

Then they don't think they are and being attacked, act sulky and get defensive and rude.


3scape · 01/05/2021 06:35

I don't feel attacked but I always respond to strongly challenge when someone doesn't believe a situation I am in or experience I've had. It shouldn't bother me, but I have reasons why being overruled or denied in this way pisses me off. That denying of others experience does seem an odd character quirk, certainly not one to advertise irl


3Britnee · 01/05/2021 06:36

Yanbu op. At all. There are some real snowflake cry babies around nowadays.


nancywhitehead · 01/05/2021 06:47

I agree you need a somewhat tough skin at times to post on the forums, and obviously disagreement doesn't usually mean an attack, sometimes people are overly sensitive. But I have seen instances where someone has been truly ganged up on and driven off the forum, particularly around the feminism forums on here but also in other places.

When online it is easy to forget that there is a real person behind the screen reading the replies.

My own view is that one should only say things online that we would be happy to say in real life.

It's strange how real life conversations don't tend to get half as heated and argumentative and yes sometimes insulting as the threads on here. People are much more confident behind a screen to say what they want and that can be hurtful. I think it's good to be mindful of that.


nancywhitehead · 01/05/2021 06:56

I just find it hard to get upset about what someone on a forum where we are all faceless and don't use our real names think of me

It's really good that you have that resilience - I do too and I don't get upset about things that happen on here because I detach myself a little. But we need to be mindful that some people do not have that resilience, for whatever reason. Online comments can cause more harm than we sometimes realise.

I'm not saying we should never disagree, obviously - healthy debate is important and mumsnet at its best is a great place for that - but I just believe in being as respectful as possible because we don't know that other person or what they are going through.


DrSbaitso · 01/05/2021 07:07

Well, because it's an emotive way of trying to shut people up, obviously.


Wabe · 01/05/2021 07:08

My sense is that a significant minority of posters — judging not only by them ‘feeling attacked’ when disagreed with, but also their difficulty in saying no to their exploitative ‘friends’ and family or responding to a RL remark which is intrusive or insulting — live in a world where the level of conversation is pretty much a bubble of ‘You go, hun!’ and literally never have anyone say ‘You’re wrong about X, because of Y and Z’.

I think they just have no practice in being robustly disagreed with in day to day life.


ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 07:14

Because most people post on MN to have dozens (hundreds?) of strangers validate their own opinion - they don't like it when there is a dissenter in the ranks (especially when the post is about a man or MIL and someone dare to try and see it from the other perspective).

I fall foul of it all the time 🤣

The truth hurts but a lot of people on MN don't want to hear the truth about their situation


KirstyT79 · 01/05/2021 07:51

thanks all. this is interesting. i have sent some thread replies that could be considered as ganging up on or victim blaming but i like to think i am the kind of person to post to apologise if my words were taken the wrongway. aibu is famous for such posts and i lurk more than comment but do sometimes comment on other thread if something tweeked my interest.

OP posts:
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