to not understand why people keep saying they feel attacked because someone disagrees with them?

[KirstyT79]

hello. i have recently name changed but have been a mumsnetter since december. i have made posts where most people have not agreed with my posts but never felt attacked just that people were telling me honestly what they felt. anyone else feel a bit tired of this whole "i'm being attacked because others don't agree with me" mentality?. i have tbf seen some vile replies to threads but to be honest not massivly

I had a thread recently which was great even though most posters disagreed with me because they did it politely and without personal attacks.

It's the utter ignorant ones who say rude personal things that drags the tone down, you can disagree in a polite and even amusing way.

@Aliceandthemarchhare

It’s how it’s done, a lot of the time.

‘Aibu to ask my mum not to give the DCs chocolates’ might elicit a response like ‘YABU, this tends to be what grandparents do. If they’ve a healthy diet with you chocolates a few times a week won’t make a difference, relax!’

But then you get a few posters who will say things like you’d hate me OP, I’m eating chocolate now, I must be a fat cow and yes YABU, sort out your own childcare and stop whining about it on MN and god I’m glad I don’t know you op, sounds so humourless and joyless

They aren’t just disagreeing, they are disagreeing by attacking the OPs perceived character.

Literally this.

@ivfgottwins

Because most people post on MN to have dozens (hundreds?) of strangers validate their own opinion - they don't like it when there is a dissenter in the ranks (especially when the post is about a man or MIL and someone dare to try and see it from the other perspective).

I fall foul of it all the time 🤣

The truth hurts but a lot of people on MN don't want to hear the truth about their situation

It’s how it’s done.

It’s possible to try and see things from another perspective in a way that is kind and funny, not rude and acerbic.

You get both. Some people do post those please validate my dreadful behaviour threads and get arsey if disagreed with.

Others just love a good kicking of an OP and behave in a way that's completely unnecessary. I reckon some people just disagree or pick on some small part of an OP because they like fights.

The other annoying one is at the start of a thread, they explain some situation where they were completely unreasonable and then say be gentle I’m anxious.
I said that someone’s DD14 seemed young for her age and was told I was vile and a nasty nasty person and had insulted her child 🤷🏼‍♀️
People want to post but don’t want anyone to point out they’re wrong or disagree.

Maybe there needs to be a validate me subforum for those kinds of posts.

Some of the threads posted do make you about why. The ones where the OP gets told YABU, throw all of their toys put of the pram and then asks for the thread to be deleted are particularly tiresome.

I agree with PP, maybe we need a validation topic-only agreement allowed.

I think it can come as a shock to some people when they post things on here. Posters being honest but giving advice and writing their response respectfully isn't attacking, however there are quite a few people who can be snarky, aggressive and plain rude - these comments are more likely to stick with the OP and probably cause the "you're attacking me" reaction. I can see it from both sides.

It doesn't help that some posters never venture out of AIBU and insist on posting in it every time regardless. It' as if they want to be attacked sometimes so they can get all defensive.
Word the thread differently and stick in Chat-maybe?

It's all about 'for traffic' or wanting to do a poll using the AIBU vote buttons which is pointless.

HerMammy, it all depends how you spoke about this person's DD it sounds like you made a perfectly innocent comment that was taken out of context but i think it shows that even in the real life you can get it wrong. but all this defensiveness is rediculous. if my DD is young for her age then she's young for her age i'm not going to blast someone for pointing out a fact i would just say"yeah she is really" maybe if they said it in a psarcastic way my response might be different.

sparkling a few years ago I’d agree but I honestly think it’s seeped all over MN. Relationships has gone the same way.

@Sparklingbrook i think what it is there is so many topics and sub-topics on here that people just search the ones they remember off the top of their heads

In fairness I often see people post an innocuous question and then get savaged by posters who just want to stick the knife in.

The more that happens, the easier it is for people who are genuinely being unreasonable to brush off unwelcome feedback as being attacked.

@Aliceandthemarchhare

sparkling a few years ago I’d agree but I honestly think it’s seeped all over MN. Relationships has gone the same way.

I have Relationships firmly hidden along with a lot of other Topics. Really improves the experience.

[quote KirstyT79]@Sparklingbrook i think what it is there is so many topics and sub-topics on here that people just search the ones they remember off the top of their heads[/quote]
I think more use should be made of those topics instead of posting everything in AIBU. Clicking on 'Talk' brings them all up. I genuinely believe it's all about the traffic and people would rather have loads of crap replies and attention in AIBU than a couple of great replies in the appropriate topic.

Agree it’s about how it’s done. I’ve seen some awful things in the relationships threads where people in bad situations are being picked apart for minor transgressions they have committed. One op mentioned she felt you had to be the ‘perfect victim’ on mn. I’m always pleased to see ops in that situation push back.

I’ve seen aibu threads where I’m initially unsure what the answer is, and the frothing, unreasonable and horrible responses of some posters then make my mind up for me! I can see how that would happen to the op.

Then there are people who genuinely can’t cope with disagreement. I used to be in a book group that went in for pretty robust debates. Always on the book, never personal. It was why many of us loved it, and no matter how much we disagreed during the discussion we were ‘friends’ for a drink or two after. Then a new member joined who got really sharp and defensive if people disagreed with her and tried to shut down the conversation. And complained to the organiser about people after the event. Then another who thought people were being mean if they panned a book someone else had proposed. Was the beginning of the end.

The problem is when you do push back you get a load of ‘why post then’ and ‘you are ignoring helpful advice’ comments.

It’s so true about the perfect victim.

I had a horrible thread when ds was only a few weeks old and it did really upset me although a lot of people were very kind. I’m not sure it was acceptable just because I posted it in AIBU.

Conversation in work:

• I could improve if people just told me what I'm doing wrong and how to improve.
• But you appear quite defensive and don't act on the feedback
• Feedback just feels like I'm being attacked and criticised.

I asked for an example and she showed me a written feedback sheet. After three positivee comments describing strengths in her practice, the one next step was ' Next time, try...' Hardly soul-destroying.

You haven’t been on MN that long

There is the not agreeing and then there is the the pulling apart everything the op has said one will start and others like sheep will quickly follow

There is bullying on MN at times and it’s horrible

Yeah, you see a lot of this, you also see if someone disagrees with rhe op and the majority one random poster gets all “BFF with the op” and starts hassling the one who disagrees and takes it way more personally than the op.

Odd as heck, 😂

There are people who are just being argumentative for the sake of it (not quite sure if I’d call it bullying) but there are also people who won’t listen to an alternative point of view or idea, or put us an argument for their stance.

Crying ‘bullies! Trolls!’ is hardly adult discourse.

Crying ‘bullies! Trolls!’ is hardly adult discourse

I agree and begging for the thread to be deleted because you don't like the replies is the equivalent of taking your ball and going home as a child.

Don’t kids do debating club at school anymore? But then I was the smallest of a crowd of kids so you either had to fight or talk your way into/out of things.

@Catswithflamingos

It’s a joke. ‘I feel personally attacked’ is a joke.

Agree, it has to be. No other way of seeing it when people bring their uncalled-for-personal information into a thread or post about a broad topic, for no other reason than to pick the thread/post apart and 'feel' personally attacked/offended.

They've got to be having a laugh for sure and revelling in the attention being 'the victim' can bring.

I worked with someone who always played the victim card and our boss always rose to it. Every day she would flounce into work, flop herself down and sigh loudly. Something had happened.

One day she didn’t turn up. Nor the next day. On day 3 the boss called. She had been so so so very very ill she couldn’t move for 3 days. Not even to pick up the phone, send a text or get her flatmate to call in sick.

She was a shit stirring bully - in the real sense of the word. She made my life miserable (I was in my first job, not very confident). Good she was awful.