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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worried DD is about to go off the rails

49 replies

Worried529 · 30/04/2021 13:56

DD has a boyfriend, who for one of a better term is a complete chav (they are both 14). Last night DD was around at his house (him, and his older brothers are all smokers) and his older brother came in and seemed drunk and pressured DD into trying her first cigarette, AND DD DID!! . I am really annoyed about this. Do any of you have any advice?

OP posts:

Yesmate · 30/04/2021 14:01

She’s 14, she’s likely to be trying to impress. Just talk to her about it. Calmly. For gods sake don’t call her boyfriend a chav!

rainbowthoughts · 30/04/2021 14:06

Do any of you have any advice?

Stop calling people chavs 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also, work with your DD to find out why she felt she couldn't say no.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/04/2021 14:11

Do any of you have any advice

Yes, she’s a child so stop her going out and teach her to say no. She shouldn’t be going anyway indoors to other houses because of covid rules so allowing her to break the law isn’t going to help her follow rules.

Tal45 · 30/04/2021 14:12

Talk to her about coercion. Tell her if anyone is trying to pressure her into anything the best thing to do is just leave. They sound like an awful family.

RottieMum21 · 30/04/2021 14:12

Sorry to be that person, but - for want of

Remind DD that smoking is a terrible habit to get in to, and not to give in to peer pressure so easily next time

ILoveRossGeller · 30/04/2021 14:14

Why do people get so offended about chavs? We all know they exist let's be honest!! CHAVS!

MotherQueenXeno · 30/04/2021 14:14

Most of my peer group tried smoking around that age, I don't think its unusual or anything to panic about.

rainbowthoughts · 30/04/2021 14:16

@MotherQueenXeno

Most of my peer group tried smoking around that age, I don't think its unusual or anything to panic about.

Someone sunken older brother is not part of the 14 year olds peer group.

TooManyAnimals94 · 30/04/2021 14:19

About to go off the rails?? She had one cigarette then TOLD HER MUM ABOUT IT.
By all means make sure she feels like she can say no if she wants to but calm down ffs.

Hannah295 · 30/04/2021 14:23

How do you know he pressured her? I don't want to seem blunt but are you sure she's not just saying that to ease the blow of her smoking from her own choice? When I was younger i probably would have said something similar if I had been caught out. Did she tell you all this off her own back or had you smelt smoke on her and asked? I've been around lots of "chavs" as you put it when I was her age and I've never been pressured by one of them to smoke. It was more the opposite that they wouldn't want to give cigarettes away due to the price of them. Just trying to look at it from all avenues.

On the other hand, if not, she's just a child and she's experimenting with life. She'll grow out of it. Smoking is seen as a really unfashionable habit nowadays anyway. Although, even when I was younger, I didn't know many people who haven't tried a cigarette once. She's 14, she'll want to fit in. It's your job to ensure she knows that she should only do what she wants to do and what she feels is right for her. The more you tell a teenager not to do something, the more they'll do it.

Flugbusters4 · 30/04/2021 14:27

She told you what happened so I would try not to freak out. If you come down very hard now she will stop telling you things.

Talk to her about the dangers of smoking, how it's good to have personal boundaries and that people who care about you shouldn't be pressuring you into things.

Keep the lines of communication open because it's very hard to close them once they are shut

Flugbusters4 · 30/04/2021 14:28

^open them once they are shut that should say!

Thefaceofboe · 30/04/2021 14:30

Why do people get so offended about chavs? We all know they exist let's be honest!! CHAVS!

This!

rainbowthoughts · 30/04/2021 14:33

@Thefaceofboe

Why do people get so offended about chavs? We all know they exist let's be honest!! CHAVS!

This!

It's probably something to do with the negative judgement more then the word itself. Not nice.

Horehound · 30/04/2021 14:35

We yeh if it was me my parents would ground me and not let me see the boy. She is a child and you need to parent.

ILoveRossGeller · 30/04/2021 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rainbowthoughts · 30/04/2021 14:45

[quote ILoveRossGeller]@rainbowthoughts do you know what else is not nice? Fucking chavs! 😃[/quote]

You are embarrassing yourself.

rainbowthoughts · 30/04/2021 14:46

How do you know he pressured her?

A 14 year old says she has been coerced into something and your first thought is not to believe her

PriestessofPing · 30/04/2021 14:50

This could be such a good moment in your relationship if you stop panicking. She trusted you enough to tell you about this. That’s really good. Trying a cigarette because of peer pressure is not great but equally it’s now a time to talk to her about asserting her boundaries, saying no and to feel really pleased and praise her that she trusted you and told you. If you approach it this way instead of flapping about thinking she’s going off the rails this could strengthen your relationship and give her a very very valuable life teaching moment.

babbaloushka · 30/04/2021 15:03

I don't think she's going off the rails, but like PP said, the fact that she told you is a good sign, and by not going off on her, you're letting her know that she can still confide in you and you'll be able to support her properly. Being a teenager is hard, and in her eyes, that boy and his impression of her is probably the most important thing in the world, just remind her that she doesn't need to do things to impress people and how dangerous smoking can be, then praise her for her honesty and try have a laugh/hug/cry together.

SonnyWinds · 30/04/2021 15:35

How do you know any of this? Did she tell you? Consider how you respond carefully if you like the fact she tells you things...

SonnyWinds · 30/04/2021 15:36

[quote ILoveRossGeller]@rainbowthoughts do you know what else is not nice? Fucking chavs! 😃[/quote]
She's only 14. I doubt she's fucking the chav!

Moondust001 · 30/04/2021 15:39

If you think this is "about to go off the rails", I have some awfully bad news for you..... it's going to get worse!

BetterKateThanNever · 30/04/2021 16:04

Maybe educate her on her own boundaries and teach her how she can advocate her own health, safety and consent, even in pressuring situations. Your judgement will only push her to do everything you don't want her to do. She's going to do it anyway, so why not teach her to make good choices while doing what she wants?

Imreaaaaady · 30/04/2021 16:12

Idk when I was 14 I started smoking of my own free will and of course I told my mum it was the other girl's fault...

If what she's saying is true, it's one cigarette and won't make a difference. She does need to learn how to react under pressure and how to say no.

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