Worried DD is about to go off the rails

[Worried529]

DD has a boyfriend, who for one of a better term is a complete chav (they are both 14). Last night DD was around at his house (him, and his older brothers are all smokers) and his older brother came in and seemed drunk and pressured DD into trying her first cigarette, AND DD DID!! . I am really annoyed about this. Do any of you have any advice?

Don't call him a chav. It's classist and makes you look bad.
She told you, I think that's pretty good in itself but she won't keep telling you if you fly off the rails and keep insulting her bf.
Get him round your house more so you can supervise them.

I'd be frank with her and tell her that everyone tries smoking, but add that most people don't try drugs.

I think honesty will be appreciated. Don't patronise her.

I don't think smoking at 14 is hugely shocking for a teenager (although I didn't at that age). But perhaps you should view this as a turning point into adolescence.

In a year or two she could well be drinking, and potentially doing more with her boyfriend than you'd like, so I think taking time to discuss boundaries and to come to terms with teenage behaviour might be worthwhile.

I would chill out. At that age I smoked from time to time to look cool! I also smoked some weed when I was a bit older (once or twice). Never done any other drugs. Probably smoked 20 cigarettes in my whole life. She's at that age where she will want to try these things and the fact that she can be open with you and you won't get angry with her is really important. A lot of people have said you should speak to her about boundaries and feeling comfortable saying no and I agree this is really important. Also no bad thing reiterating dangers (e.g. smoking, drugs, unprotected sex) but recognise she will make her own decisions and I'm sure you would rather she came to you if something went wrong than she hid it for you.

Ffs people chavs exists. Dont take offence on their behalf, they couldn't give a shit about being called chavs.

I was smoking lot at that age, I'm surprised she told you. Not really much you can do. If you come down to hard she might rebel, if you don't have strict rules she might get carried away. Depends what kind of child she is.

My DD tried her first cigarette about that age and told me about it. I was a pleased she told me and we laughed at how disgusting it was. She never did it again. She also told me the first time she tried alcohol at the local park. It was Buckfast and she hated it. She managed to not go off the rails. She went to uni, has a job and a lovely partner. One fag doesn't make anyone go off the rails.

@rainbowthoughts

How do you know he pressured her?

A 14 year old says she has been coerced into something and your first thought is not to believe her

Perhaps @Hannah295 has teenagers and knows how frequently they lie.

In The UK? She should be in someone else's house. Control your child.

And yes I know they are in school all day. Nonetheless she is not special and does not have an exemption.

FFS. Should NOT be!!!

A 14 year old says she has been coerced into something and your first thought is not to believe her 

Perhaps @Hannah295 has teenagers and knows how frequently they lie.

Well they don't all lie. I have some of my own as it happens. It's a really sad situation though, even if your teens are prone to lies, that when they do confide that someone has coerced them into something to jump to straight to disbelief. It's an age old problem women have. I feel very sad for the teen who's parent doesn't believe them when they confide.

You lost me at the word chav. It's nasty and judgemental.

A near identical thread was on here a few weeks ago. Even down to calling the boy a chav.

Send your daughter some age appropriate links about the dangers of smoking, including pictures of lungs and livers compared with non smokers. Better yet, have a family member or friend who smokes talk to her about how they regret their choice.
I had my first cigarette at 13 to look more grown up. Fortunately, I was sick as a dog. Puking on your shoes does not make you look sophisticated.

For a start- its a huge deal that she felt comfortable telling you. So best not to be upset at her or she won't share info again. Just talk to her about not bowing to pressure to do something she does not want to do as she is going to get more of it.

Look we all know chavs are a gateway to meeting ner-do-wells and we ALL know how that turns out. It’s smoking a ciggie today, organised crime tomorrow.

But seriously it’s a good chance to talk about boundaries and coercion. Coercion is a more powerful talking point than peer pressure. I think when that phrase is mentioned kids think - oh you don’t like my mates, fuck off-

Good luck.

Why is your 14-year-old DD going around unsupervised to her boyfriends house anyway?

@ILoveRossGeller

Why do people get so offended about chavs? We all know they exist let's be honest!! CHAVS!

Too right! 'Chav' sums some people up quite accurately.

However I think the point in this instance was that it is not a good idea to called daughter's boyfriend a chav, even if he is. At the same time nobody is going to know other than us on Mumsnet so it doesn't really matter.

@chloeb8

Why is your 14-year-old DD going around unsupervised to her boyfriends house anyway?

Because that's what 14 Yr old do??

I wouldn’t really like my 14 year old going to a boyfriends house tbh . Is it the norm? I’d be ok with walking round town holding hands and grabbing a coffee/ going to the cinema. Wouldn’t want a 14 year old daughter going somewhere there could be alcohol shared by older boys (call me old fashioned).
Yes I know lots of them are getting pissed/ shagging etc. But i think it’s too young .

She is a child, what business does she have being in relationships? You are the parent here, stop her going out.

I did a crap tonne worse than smoke 1 cigarette when I was that age, and I definitely didn't tell my mum about it. I appreciate it's not ideal but try and be grateful that she's able to talk to you about it .

You need to talk to her about peer pressure, consent and staying safe (like safe sex, drinks being spiked, drugs etc). If you say “I hate him” then she will probably stay with him and “go off the rails” out of spite. You need to show her that you trust her and that you will always be there for her without casting judgement.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Do any of you have any advice

Yes, she’s a child so stop her going out and teach her to say no. She shouldn’t be going anyway indoors to other houses because of covid rules so allowing her to break the law isn’t going to help her follow rules.

Also want to know if you’re allowed to enter each other’s homes.

I wouldn’t be too concerned about one cigarette. I would be monitoring the situation though.

It’s not just “chavs” who smoke! I remember trying my one and only cigarette at the age of about 15 just because some classmates were smoking. Thought it was disgusting and never touched one since.

@Jumpers268

I did a crap tonne worse than smoke 1 cigarette when I was that age, and I definitely didn't tell my mum about it. I appreciate it's not ideal but try and be grateful that she's able to talk to you about it .

Me too.