Was she just pretending to be nice?

[Sweetaddiction88]

If you met someone a few times through a friend and they seemed like they wanted to get to know you more, saying we should definitely go for coffee, we should go for walk etc.
So you decide to message them and they read it but don't reply. You try again a couple of months later and once again no reply. Yet you know they're meeting up with others, I know the answer is to stop bothering, I just don't get why people do this whole oh we should go for a drink soon! When they have no intention and can't even take 2 seconds to reply to you.

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd have laughed when she said that in the street and said, Yeah. You arrange it then, cheerio!

I did this to someone recently when I got exasperated at her repeated meaningless suggestions. Was amusing to see her squirm.

It's not really odd in the sense that most people understand the distinction bluntness made and accept it's just a cultural thing here.

As for whether it's right or wrong, well most people who make the "we should meet for coffee sometime" comment without meaning it are usually just trying to be polite as they think a blunt "bye" without a suggestion that you might see each other again a bit rude. I know many people find that mystifying. I have a Dutch friend who is constantly confused by what she calls our "double speak"

It's been said several times on this thread that the women was just being "polite" by constantly making this suggestion without any intention of following through. I'm genuinely baffled people think this kind of fake, 2 facedness is polite Who raised you people?

Agree, I've known people like that..let's meet for coffee with no intention of doing so. Very irritating.

The was an edition of woman's hour where there were some Eastern European women on saying that they didn't get the British habit of inviting people round to dinner and not actually meaning it. Jane Garvey even said yes I do that all the time, 'you must come round ...' but that she doesn't mean it literally.

Yea Easter, I've known Dutch people who are equally confused. Very blunt but you know exactly what they mean

I assume when people say this that they don’t mean it.
A couple of years ago, a school mum said we should organise an evening in a local pub and have wine. I literally laughed in her face and said lightheartedly oh that will never happen. Later I was so embarrassed as perhaps she had meant it. If it happened, I was not invited, understandably given my reaction to the suggestion. It is a minefield!

@Poptart4

It's been said several times on this thread that the women was just being "polite" by constantly making this suggestion without any intention of following through. I'm genuinely baffled people think this kind of fake, 2 facedness is polite Who raised you people?

I agree.

Sounds like verbal diarrhoea to me.

@Eastie77

It's not really odd in the sense that most people understand the distinction bluntness made and accept it's just a cultural thing here.

As for whether it's right or wrong, well most people who make the "we should meet for coffee sometime" comment without meaning it are usually just trying to be polite as they think a blunt "bye" without a suggestion that you might see each other again a bit rude. I know many people find that mystifying. I have a Dutch friend who is constantly confused by what she calls our "double speak"

I can't see how it isn't odd that someone says this thing if they don't mean it 'bye' isn't being blunt we can say bye in many different ways Just because other people to this thing, doesn't mean we have to accept it as normal To me, this is the strange post

I don't understand why it's considered two faced or terrible

Most people accept that it's a throwaway comment that doesn't constitute an actual invitation. It's an (admittedly misguided) attempt at politeness that is perhaps specific to English culture. I don't know. As said, it's not something I ever do but there is rarely ill intent behind it. I understand you find it infuriating but I think you need to be able to read between the lines as it will save you a lot of upset in the long run.

A school run mum once said to me "we must meet up sometime with the kids" I didn't consider that a literal invitation, clue is in the 'sometime'.

On the flip side, another parent I am now friendly with asked "do you fancy going to coffee shop x next Tuesday morning after we've dropped the kids at school?" Clear difference in that there is a fixed day and time suggested.

Oh fuck sake. Sometimes I just run out of time in my life to do the things I want to do. So I'm deffo guilty of this. Suggest to meet up (actually want to) but not actually organised enough to do it.

Ahh I think it’s quite common even for old friends to throw the ‘we should meet up some time’ out there but not actually mean it. I’ll be honest, I’ve done it to people in the past but they thankfully never ask to meet up so it’s fine. It’s just a nicety like asking how someone is when you’re not really bothered about the answer.

@Thatisnotwhatisaid, in that case, I think you shouldn’t be fooling yourself and them and calling those people your friends

You don’t tell friends that you’d love to meet up to then be relieved they dint take up the offer (probably because they will have correctly guessed you dint mean a word if it...).

If someone is doing that to me, they are immediately moved into the acquaintances and not to be trusted/relied on category. Basically they become what I call ‘nice weather friends’, people who like to call themselves your friend, like to be seen as such but see you as a bore/uninteresting/a vane piece of furniture in your life.
How would I ever know that any offer is actually something they mean?

@Eastie77, and you’ve never come across the situation where the people was then looking at you like a rabbit I; the headlights because you’ve put them in the spot by asking them to meet up in a certain date at a certain time?

I know I’ve seen people been more than embarrassed at ‘invitations’ like this tbh....

I’d also say that the fact a vast majority of people think the OP isn’t unreasonable makes me think that actually many people don’t like that sort of attitude but don’t dare telling you!

I think it's so rude and fake to say this if you don't mean it. I avoid people who do this as if they lie this easily in general conversation what else will they lie about?

I hate this behaviour too.

I currently have someone doing this to me too, over SMS and FB. Constantly talking about meeting up but never committing to any plan (despite me offering dates etc). Today she put on FB that she'd had a manic week and that we should get together soon ... for goodness sake.

When I bump into someone, have a chat and there's no intention of setting up a meeting with them, I end the conversation with " Well it was lovely to see you! " The I smile and bid them good bye. That's all it needs.

I am afraid it was only when I was bitten in the same way as you OP - that I realised that what people say and mean like that doesn't mean anything.

I went through the whole 'why' etc but ulimately it is about them and not you.

@CovidSmart the other parent asked me if I wanted to meet at a specific time and place, not the other way around. I was happy to meet her so I said yes. If I didn't want to I'd simply make my excuses or give a vague, non commital response which most people would realise is a 'no'. I guess that is again about knowing how to read social cues.

Of course I've also asked people if they'd like to meet up at such and such a time. I can't recall anyone looking like a rabbit caught in headlights. It's usually people I know well.

@Eastie77

I don't understand why it's considered two faced or terrible

Most people accept that it's a throwaway comment that doesn't constitute an actual invitation. It's an (admittedly misguided) attempt at politeness that is perhaps specific to English culture. I don't know. As said, it's not something I ever do but there is rarely ill intent behind it. I understand you find it infuriating but I think you need to be able to read between the lines as it will save you a lot of upset in the long run.

A school run mum once said to me "we must meet up sometime with the kids" I didn't consider that a literal invitation, clue is in the 'sometime'.

On the flip side, another parent I am now friendly with asked "do you fancy going to coffee shop x next Tuesday morning after we've dropped the kids at school?" Clear difference in that there is a fixed day and time suggested.

There is a difference between "reading between the lines" and "reading someone's mind" which is what this requires.

I'm English, I consider it rude to go around giving out fake social invitations and then ignoring people who mistook your bullshit for sincerity.

If I didn't want to I'd simply make my excuses or give a vague, non commital response which most people would realise is a 'no'. I guess that is again about knowing how to read social cues.

No. Again, what you're describing is a really poor, passive way of communicating that makes other people feel shit.

It is perfectly possible to be both honest and polite, rather than expecting other people to read your mind because you don't know how to communicate effectively.

I leave it to them now text me some dates that suit.. my poor friend takes it literally we must meet up. Then she disappointed. People shouldnt say it as it raises her hopes of meeting which doesnt happen

I knew someone like this. They promise the earth. Not only do they promise the Earth. They are two faced!!!! So avoid.....

I've said this many times just to be polite but I would never ignore someone if they messaged me.