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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was she just pretending to be nice?

73 replies

Sweetaddiction88 · 29/04/2021 15:35

If you met someone a few times through a friend and they seemed like they wanted to get to know you more, saying we should definitely go for coffee, we should go for walk etc.
So you decide to message them and they read it but don't reply. You try again a couple of months later and once again no reply. Yet you know they're meeting up with others, I know the answer is to stop bothering, I just don't get why people do this whole oh we should go for a drink soon! When they have no intention and can't even take 2 seconds to reply to you.

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 29/04/2021 19:44

I don't think being all gushing about wanting to meet up and suggesting activities to do together is "definitely being nice". In fact, completely ignoring a text message (to confirm the proposed plans) is bloody rude.

Perhaps it's a lack of social skills and a desperate need to come out with social niceties that's making her behave this way? A sort of insecurIty? It's all a bit odd because you've been left feeling irritated by it and its put you off her.

I think if she starts "inviting" you out when she next sees you, you should laugh and say Dont worry, we always agree to things and it never happens! Glad to hear you're keeping well though, I'm sure we'll bump into each other again soon. Bye.

You don't really want a flaky friend Op.

drpet49 · 29/04/2021 19:49

“ She sounds rather false. Most people manage to be friendly and polite without spewing out fake social invitations every time they cross your path. I don't get it either Op.”

^This

ClaudiaApple · 29/04/2021 19:50

You did nothing wrong OP, you merely followed up on her remarks to arrange a coffee

She's clearly a faker and did you a favour by not replying. It's all about her and not you at all.. try it with someone else and it might work out much better

Original poster

Sweetaddiction88 · 29/04/2021 19:51

Yeah you're right. I initially felt embarrassed but i have no reason to at all.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 29/04/2021 19:52

Have they actually read the message?
Most people would reply but just make an excuse/put it off.

Original poster

Sweetaddiction88 · 29/04/2021 19:53

Yeah they were both 'read' on Facebook apparently.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 29/04/2021 20:20

That is so strange! I never say about meeting up if I don’t want to as i know they’ll ask me about it.

Next time I see her and she says it I’d have to say did you not get my message?
Definitely don’t message her again though she sounds really odd!

SmileyClare · 29/04/2021 20:32

Don't let this put you off pursuing friendships with other women Op I think most people are genuine if they suggest meeting for a drink, especially if they go to the effort of swapping numbers, or adding you to their social media or whatever.

I've come to the conclusion now I'm old that some people are quite mad and you'll never work out what's going through their head!

Tehmina23 · 29/04/2021 20:34

It's happened to me, a woman at work was all friendly & chatty saying we must get coffee so I messaged her to say ok, are you free at xyz time on Thursday; then on Thursday she made an excuse and bailed then avoided me.

Confusingly some other colleagues who've said the same have actually meant it and happily we have had coffee together.

It's hard to work out who's for real.

AyyMacarena · 29/04/2021 20:39

Interesting to read this. I have never understood why people are this false and thought it was just me being miserable to feel this way. I think it's inappropriate to act in a way that isn't genuine. You can be civil to people you're not a fan of without getting their hopes up which is ultimately crueler.

Siennabear · 29/04/2021 20:40

Her names doesn’t begin with A does it? I know someone like this. Every time, oh we must meet up etc, message me. We did meet once but she is so flaky, I just smile and agree and then forget about it!

Lelophants · 29/04/2021 20:40

I hate when people do this!

Mary46 · 29/04/2021 20:40

Had that with a cousin we must meet up. So when I met her I said yeh sure text me a few dates. Never happened. People are flaky.!!

DesertSky · 29/04/2021 21:10

I leant an embarrassing lesson about friendly banter with no intentions in my early 20s and as a first time mum. I had regularly chatted with a mum at a baby class for weeks, and she kept saying “Oh you must come by mine whenever you’re in the city”. She didn’t drive so I assumed it was tricky for her to get out and meet new mums, and I was really happy to make new mum friends too as nobody in my friendship circle had children then.
After inviting me several times, I messaged her telling her would she like to meet up in the city on such and such day. She replied yes that’d be lovely and said I could come to hers at 11.30am. She lived in a first floor flat up a flight of stairs and helped me up with my (very bulky!) buggy. We got chatting away, the babies were on the floor together playing happily, everything going well. I was thinking I had potentially made a good friend. After an hour flew by, she declared “Oh it’s lunchtime, I need to go grab a few things for lunch” and asked if I would mind her baby whilst she popped down to the supermarket that was almost next door. I was a little taken back she trusted me in her home with her child so soon, but again thought that’s a good sign that she thought of me as trustworthy. She asked me to feed her baby whilst she was out, and as I had packed my own child’s baby food, I fed both the babies in tandem. She arrived back about 15 minutes later with groceries and started preparing food in the open-plan kitchen. I hadn’t assumed I was staying for lunch and she hadn’t previously mentioned it so I was just thinking how to politely say I ought to go, when the doorbell went and she announced her friend had arrived for lunch. Said friend came in, and I felt a little awkward not knowing whether I was meant to stay or not (!) when her friend asked in a too-sweetly voice who I was was and “That’s nice of you to pop in to see *friend as you were passing by and what plans have you got in the city?” Mum friend was quite obviously dishing up 2 plates of deli food indicating I was not invited.
They then proceeded in deep conversation, leaving me to gather together my baby things and say goodbye. They waved me off not even accompanying me to the door and I struggled down the stairs with my baby tucked under one arm and trying to carry the pram down in other hand.
I remember feeling so humiliated and annoyed with myself that I had clearly read the signals wrong. It was 13 years ago and it still plays on my mind now and then that she probably didn’t really mean it for me to come over in the first place and was just being polite!

SmileyClare · 29/04/2021 21:23

Ah that's a really shit way to treat a guest Desert

Sometimes I think people only make friends with people if they can get something out of them? In your case, baby sitting and a bit of company until something better came along.

That reminds me of a thread on here before Christmas (pre covid) where a single woman new to the area, was very enthusiastically invited to an older colleague's Christmas dinner. She insisted she came!

Nearer to Christmas the Op sent a few messages to arrange it and was completely ignored.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/04/2021 21:27

Ignore her false attitude.
Fairplay to you making contact if you're struggling with new friends.
Don't let her put you off trying with someone different.

DesertSky · 29/04/2021 21:29

I think I did have a little cry about it to be honest. I was a young, gullible first time mum and felt a bit used. She more or less ignored me after that at the baby class too! It made me a little wary forming new friendships after that for a while

SmileyClare · 29/04/2021 21:34

That's terrible Desert How do some people sleep at night knowing they've treated someone so badly eh?

I was a new mum in my early twenties too and remember it was tough to make new mum friends, and being the only one in my social group to have a baby.

BorderlineHappy · 29/04/2021 21:47

As someone who finds it hard to read social cues this type of thing annoys me.
You're not being nice,in fact it's a shitty thing to do.

It's quite easy,just don't say things you don't mean.

DesertSky · 29/04/2021 21:47

@SmileyClare

Eastie77 · 29/04/2021 22:04

I often say what sounds like a throwaway "we must meet for coffee sometime" when I bump into acquaintances but I only ever say it to people I'd genuinely like to see.

I would never suggest meeting someone, however casually, if I didn't like or really want to spend time with them.

I'm sorry the person you messaged was so rude OP. Personally I'm quite thin skinned and if I messaged someone once about meeting up and they didn't respond I wouldn't contact them ever again. The exception to this would be really close friends who (like me) have small DC and sometimes take weeks to respond to messages. I'll happily harass them, and vice versa, as we all know we sometimes need a little nudge to respond to messages. But these are a small group of friends I know extremely well.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 22:07

@BorderlineHappy

As someone who finds it hard to read social cues this type of thing annoys me. You're not being nice,in fact it's a shitty thing to do.

It's quite easy,just don't say things you don't mean.

Generally, if it makes it easier, if someone says “let’s do coffee, when are you free” they mean it. When someone smiles and says “we really should do coffee” then fucks off quickly and does not text you then it’s the same as “see you soon” when you’ve no plans and unlikely to see each other. It’s a placating goodbye.

BorderlineHappy · 30/04/2021 08:53

@Bluntness100 I shouldn't have to decipher people's meanings.
Just don't say it,if you don't mean it.

Allwokedup · 30/04/2021 09:23

It’s just something British people say, they generally don’t mean jt

purpleme12 · 30/04/2021 09:28

But it's not right and it's quite odd in my opinion

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