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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

can't afford too keep up with friends

42 replies

wheresmymillionaire · 29/04/2021 15:34

Basically, I'm feeling "poor me".

We are financially broke since covid struck, and have had to drastically change our lifestyle in order to keep the house. (we have an autistic child doing GCSE's so a house move is to be avoided if at all possible).
The trouble is, now things are starting to open up, I can't keep up with the lifestyle my friends (and I used to) keep. I can't expect my friends to not do anything, but I'm not going to able to join in.

How do people cope with this situation? I can't be the only one to have this situation??

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 15:35

Would they not be happy to meet you and dc in a park?

Bagelsandbrie · 29/04/2021 15:36

I am the poor one in my circle of friends. I just have to be honest and say I can’t afford to do stuff and if they want to see me they have to meet me for a coffee in the park! You can’t invent money where there isn’t any and if they’re true friends they’ll have to understand. (We have a disabled child and I am also disabled).

Original poster
wheresmymillionaire · 29/04/2021 15:40

yes, we do meet up for coffee in peoples gardens. I guess I'm just feeling left out of the other more expensive stuff.

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 29/04/2021 15:45

Be honest with them. I would rather sit and share wine in my garden to ensure my friends could afford it than go to pubs when one friend can't afford to.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/04/2021 15:47

I agree, just tell them you need to cut back for a bit.

Do invite them to your house for pizza and wine in the good weather so they know you still want to see them and are willing to make an effort.

VegCheeseandCrackers · 29/04/2021 15:51

Just be totally honest. If they're true friends they will understand. We all know the reality is that a few glasses of wine and a good chat at yours/your friends house is just as good as a big night out.

JensonsAcolyte · 29/04/2021 15:53

Is there any reason why you haven’t just told them?

I have friends I go for Michelin starred meals with and friends who come round for a takeaway. Quite often the same friends just at different stages of life.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 15:53

@Fundays12

Be honest with them. I would rather sit and share wine in my garden to ensure my friends could afford it than go to pubs when one friend can't afford to.
Yeah but to be fair it shouldn’t mean they can’t go to the pub or do whatever ever again.

Doing a mix is the best outcome. You do need to say though and organise some cheaper activities or they may think you just don’t want to come.

NurseButtercup · 29/04/2021 15:54

I can't keep up with the lifestyle my friends (and I used to) keep. I can't expect my friends to not do anything, but I'm not going to able to join in.
How do people cope with this situation? I can't be the only one to have this situation??

This is when you discover who are your actual real friends.

You choose different activities that are either free or cheap. Walks in the park, BBQ in your garden, bottle of wine in the garden, buying Groupon vouchers etc etc...

True friendship is about spending time together.

Hoppinggreen · 29/04/2021 15:56

While I agree true friends will always want to spend time with you I do get that you miss the things you used to be able to do and it will be hard if you see them still doing those things without you
Hopefully things will get easier for you OP x

Metallicalover · 29/04/2021 15:57

Just be honest with them, as you said your meeting them for coffee in the garden etc. You have said that you are jealous if they're going somewhere you can't afford but you can't expect them never to go out to other places with friends. Can't they do both?? Xx

Reinventinganna · 29/04/2021 15:59

What kind of things can you no longer do?

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 15:59

I think it’s very unfair to say they aren’t true friends, they are doing the cheap things to meet the op, but being a true friend doesn’t mean they are then not permitted to do anything she can’t afford. That’s shit and controlling.

WhySoSensitive · 29/04/2021 16:07

I’m in the same boat Op. I only have a couple of friends anyways, they always suggest meeting at those farms etc that cost for entry and you aren’t allowed to take your own picnic- i’ve just been honest and said I can’t afford it, can we go to X instead or suggest something totally different.

MustBeTheWine · 29/04/2021 16:10

I'm the poor friend of my friend group. My friends are always off on a weekend away, city breaks etc, I always get an invite even though they fully expect me to decline but they understand my circumstances and we also have cocktails in the garden or have a wine night, go on hikes and picnics together, things I can afford to do. There are plenty of things you can plan to do with your friends that don't cost money.

Iknowtheanswer · 29/04/2021 16:14

I think real friends will meet up in your garden etc, but you've just got to get over feeling jealous about them going out without you.

I've been on both sides of this (I have more disposable cash than some friends, but others are literally cash rich millionaires). I have ended up less good friends in some cases tbh.

Meowchickameowmeow · 29/04/2021 16:21

I don't think this is about them not being true friends it's about how you learn to cope with feeling left out. I get it totally, it stings to be sat at home when you know they're out having a good time at a really nice place.

parietal · 29/04/2021 16:23

you need to be at least a little bit open about finances. Tell your friends that things are tight financially, and that you are not able to afford expensive things. if they don't know, they can't make plans for things that include you or they won't understand if you turn down an expensive night of cocktails etc.

HelpMeh · 29/04/2021 16:30

You'll just have to accept that you will miss some events as you can't expect them to never do anything costly again. As long as you can have a cheapy date as frequently as they're having expensive ones then I think that's OK.

Do they how hard up you are right now? For my closest of friends I would always pay for their nandos/pub meal if I'm in a position to do so. They'd do the same for me.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 29/04/2021 16:30

you need to swallow your pride, and admit to being on a budget
I am totally the poor church mouse of my friendship group. I have a job, and no major money worries, but cannot always afford the amount of discretionary spending that they can.

my mates are brilliant about it, and will happily do cheaper things. And occasionally they find an excuse to treat me to a meal somewhere smart - cleverly, not often enough for me to feel beholden but enough that I can join.

HelpMeh · 29/04/2021 16:30

*do they know

Ofalltheginjoints · 29/04/2021 16:32

My two best friends have fantastic salaries, very low bills as mortgages paid off whereas I've just split from my ex, not struggling but having to tighten my belt and I earn around a quarter of what they do.

I've had to be really honest and put the brakes on some of the plans they wanted to do, they weren't always on fantastic salaries so they do understand, but I don't begrudge them going and doing things without me, while I'd love to go it isn't always possible, and we do wine/coffee/meals in gardens and rotate having people over so still seeing them just sometimes differently to how I'd like.

Hopefully it won't always be like this OP and things pick up, but it can feel rubbish

Blindstupid · 29/04/2021 16:33

They could all be feeling the same as you! They could be struggling to ‘keep up’ ! Talk to them, they’re your friends!

SwimBaby · 29/04/2021 16:36

I think you should be honest with your friends. I’m the ‘rich’ friend and I mostly see friends one to one and I always suggest a venue or activities I think they can afford. Either something free or very cheap.

ElderMillennial · 29/04/2021 16:39

What are the things they are doing that you can't afford?

As PPs say a coffee or meet up in the park doesn't cost much. Even a lunch or dinner might be doable if it's only once a month?

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