To say that if you know your children have older siblings on their dad’s side who they don’t know, it’s really important to tell them.

[OnlyInYourDreams]

Recently a family member has been researching their family on Ancestry and it turns out that they have younger siblings from their dad’s second marriage. This wasn’t really a surprise, the dad moved on when they were still young, in fact never really had much to do with them apart from to father several children with their mum. But it seems that when he did finally move on he remarried and had more children with his second wife.

Except it seems his first wife and children remained a secret, and now family member has contacted the younger sibling and they had no idea that their father was A, married before, and B, that they have several older siblings, and essentially a whole other family i.e. nieces nephews etc.

And because the parents are both dead, they will never have answers as to whether the mother knew and kept it from them, or whether the father just kept it a secret from all of them.

Family member isn’t necessarily seeking a relationship with this sibling, but wanted to know about their father which I think is fair enough.

But all too often we see posts on here from posters saying that their husband has children by a previous partner who he never sees and should the existing children be told.

In this day of technology, of ancestry and social media, I absolutely think it’s vital they be told, because I think that these things are impossible to keep a secret, and the fallout could be awful when the younger kids find out.

I was at school with a boy who found out from rumour & friends of friends (from 300 miles away, this wasn’t about local networks!) that his dad had been married before, he had 4 half sisters he didn’t know about. Really damaging to his relationship with his dad to find out like that.

How old are these people? It was different in the past with different attitudes to divorce. DH didn’t find out till his 30s that his dad had been married before and he had a half brother. PILs felt really guilty about this and were very nervous at telling him. DH was quite amused by it. MIL would have known as would the extended family but it was never talked about. Things are generally much more in the open these days.

CecilyP if your DH never noticed his Father visiting this half brother, then it probably means the half brother didn't receive the same attention your DH did - and probably isn't 'quite amused' by the situation. This is what the OP is getting at.

Oh I do agree that the attitudes back then would likely have been different, having said that, the younger sibling was born in the 70’s, so the older siblings are about 25 years older.

but it’s a stark reminder that although something may not exist now (such as social media etc didn’t exist back then,) it might exist in the future and so all possibilities should be considered.

The dad and the sibling’s mother are now both dead, so in truth she will never know whether her mum knew and kept it from them or whether she married a man with several other children who he failed to see and never told her while potentially playing the devoted husband and father to his new family.

We knew from tiny that my dad had been married twice before. (3dc from first, 4 from second!). He never saw any of them. Quite why my mum thought he would be a good dad to us (readers, he wasn’t!) I do not know! But it was never a secret. Likewise my ex went on to have another child and I told my DC. I don’t think these things should be hidden.

Yes, I have a friend this happened to. She was on holiday at a popular seaside, but small-ish one. It was one her dad went to growing up with his parents so they'd always gone there on their summer holidays. I don't even think she was with her parents, I think she'd actually gone with a friend and her family, and they got to talking to a family that was staying in a house close to theirs on the beach. After comparing notes (where she was from, the other family said their dad lived in the village but they had no relationship with him anymore), she found out these people were her half siblings! They were quite a bit older. I think late 20s and they were there with their toddlers, which is how she got to talking with them as she was playing with one of their children.

She had no idea her father had been married and had children before her. Her mum was his secretary, so you can imagine the fall out (affair, he walked out on his first family, started a new one with a much younger woman, never looked back really). It was awful. She was about 13 at the time and just fell apart after that, had a baby at 15, drugs, was homeless for a while. Her life is good now and she's happy and well in her 30s, but it was really, really awful at the time.

Sadly, I have a friend who's dc is the older half-sibling of several dc her dad had with a new partner right after she was born. She knows about her younger half siblings, but they don't know about her, because her dad contests she is his (even though he pays CMS and refuses a DNA test). They live very close to each other and I can't imagine they won't find out one day.

I remember when I was about 13, my best friend found out her dad had been married before and had children she had never been told about. She was devastated. Eventually she got to meet her brother and sister a couple of years later, but never really developed a relationship with them which was awful for her, she had always hated being an only child.

ArnoldBoo

Cecile if your DH never noticed his Father visiting this half brother, then it probably means the half brother didn't receive the same attention your DH did - and probably isn't 'quite amused' by the situation. This is what the OP is getting at.

He didn’t visit at all at a time when money was tight, there were no cheap flights, and visiting would have necessitated a long ferry trip. Different times indeed. The first wife and son also emigrated to the other side of the world when DH was small.

I was the second child in this scenario, I found out at 14 that my dad had been married before and I had 2 half sisters. As he had had an affair his exw stopped him from seeing the kids so the family agreed to keep it secret as no good would come of it.

When my grandma died he decided to tell me and as he had recently met up with them (them now in their late teens/early 20’s) after bumping into his ex in a pub he wanted me to meet them as well.

It was awful I had just lost my Nan, my parents had split up 3years before ...now I had sisters who were openly hostile and wanted nothing to do with me. It also caused huge arguments between my mum/dad and dad/his family. I saw them a few times and then left it, haven’t seen them in 20 years all that upset for nothing, well that’s how I feel about it.

My own brother is married with two boys who have no idea he has an older child from a previous relationship. He absolutely lost his shit with me because I’ve never kept her a secret from my daughter and was shouting about how “she better not say anything to his lads” 😤

My father went on to have children with his 2nd wife, they apparently know nothing about me or my brothers, and at one point about a decade or more ago, when my brother was considering reconciling with our father, he had the audacity to ask my brother to pretend to be his "friend" rather than his son. That ended that, quite sharpish.

My half brother and sister are twins, and the same age as my teen DC. That's very strange to think about, but more importantly I hope that when they eventually find out the truth they are ok.

My Dads second wife insisted that no one in his family ever tell her family that he had two other children

Needless to say I havent seen him for over 20 years, and I have no idea if my half siblings are aware of us

OP, your timeframe is similar except DH was born in the 50s but his half brother was born during WW2. It is hard for us today to imagine the taboo around divorce in those days. We can get something of the flavour with programmes about the royal family and the objection to Princess Margaret marrying the Peter Townsend.

My DH's Dad had a wife and 2 sons who he left, to marry DH's Mum. According to my FIL, his first wife told him that if he left, he would never be allowed to see the children again, and 52 years later, he never has.

PILs went on to have 4 children, all of whom were aware of their older siblings, but have never shown an interest in finding out about, or meeting them. The only thing we know about them is their surname and the city where they lived as children. DH actually went to University there and has joked that it was lucky they were male, as he dated quite a lot during his degree, which could have been very awkward...

Genetic Sexual Attraction, in siblings who have not met until adulthood, is another very real reason why children should be told, imo.

My dad was the elder child in this scenario. My aunt was told about his existence by her aunt basically as an 18th birthday present. It destroyed her relationship with both her parents, she couldn't forgive them for keeping my dad from her. She ended up moving in with us and basically adopted my parents.

My husband's best friend also had secret elder siblings and hates them with a passion, even though he's never met them. There has to be something wrong with them, or there's something wrong with his dad.

DS1 (now an adult) has at least one half sibling on his dad's side. He hasn't seen his dad since he was very small (ex's choice) and has never met his sibling. I told him about his existence when he was old enough to know how things worked as I felt it was right for him to know but he's never expressed any interest in taking things further.

The dad and the sibling’s mother are now both dead, so in truth she will never know whether her mum knew and kept it from them or whether she married a man with several other children who he failed to see and never told her while potentially playing the devoted husband and father to his new family.

In this case there seems to be a wider gap between the 2 marriages. However, your marital status has to go on your marriage certificate and I this case should say ‘previous marriage dissolved.’ So, unless he lied, she would have known of the previous marriage and it’s not such a leap to assume there were children. Your friend could get a copy of the marriage certificate if she doesn’t have one.

Times were different back then but I agree with you in the world we know live in most family secrets such as that type won't stay that way so best be honest.

My ds2 has a sibling he has never met. Younger than him but his dad doesnt seem bothered.
I've told ds2 as much as I can and said one his sibling is 18 I'll help track them down.

The other big worry is that the half siblings will meet unawares and be attracted to each other (genetic sexual attraction)

It's so freaking immoral to abandon children and put them through this.

The exact same thing has happened in my partner's family. Iirc his mum's dad left for the military and never came back. Many years later (I think about 3 years ago) his mum stumbled upon an obituary for her father with comments from his only daughter, which was someone else! She got in touch with her long lost sibling, they simply never knew about each other, the man was just a dog setting up two families. The same thing happened to my partner too, his dad left, didn't want anything to do with him. One day while he was out, he happened to come across his dad, who was out with his proper family. That's how my partner found out he had other siblings. His mum didn't know about this. I can't say what the other woman knew though! I absolutely agree that if you know, so should your children. But it always baffles me why women set up a family with a man they know already has children yet doesn't see them/support them.

There was apparently about 4 years between the one marriage ending and the other one. Although this family member says the dad came back once when he must have been married to someone else already but never mentioned it. In fact they can’t even remember why the dad came round, just that he did.

It’s awful to think how many families like this there must be out there.

I actually know someone who went on a teenage “date” with what later turned out to be a half brother from an affair her dad had. It didn’t go anywhere because the parents shut it down quickly but I dread to think what could have happened.

I do family history. I had an email from a furious woman who said why was her grandmother on my husband's family tree. I replied that she was the half sister of my husband's grandfather. She then got more angry and accused me of lying. I sent her the data to support the facts and she was shocked. The family had never known that he had been married before and had had two sons. His first wife died in childbirth and so he was a widower. So there was no reason to hide his sons. These family secrets are awful.

I know someone who has a child in his late 20s, has children with another woman plus a step DC (teens n early 20s) and then a toddler child with his current partner. The younger ones know nothing about the eldest one. I know about them all. The man's current partner knows about them all too. But when we see his children the subject of the eldest is taboo because they don't know of their existence.