TW Sibling sexual abuse

[sweetypop]

Posting for traffic. Don't want to give too many identifying details but I have a question.

Two siblings of the same sex, one aged 14/15 raped one aged 8 repeatedly. Now adults. Because the older one was only 14/15 at the time would there be any repercussions if this was reported now as a historic case?

Yes. If the person was found guilty of the offence, then they would be sentenced. If this is you, hope you manage to find some peace whatever path you choose.

@wizzywig even though they were only a child also?

They are over the age of criminal responsibility, so yes. Not necessarily prison time, but certainly being put on the sex offenders register.

They may also have been the victim of sexual abuse themselves, or could have offended further outside of the family, so even if they are not convicted (and they might not be, I assume there is not much evidence twenty years later), it is worth reporting.

Does the older sibling have children, or access to children? Might they have in the future?

It's above the age of criminal responsibility. A 14 year old can't claim they don't understand the concept of rape.

Thanks I don't know why I didn't think of the age of responsibility! The older one doesn't have kids, is a drug addict, not having a great life, they're no contact now but the older one does try to contact the younger one but blames the younger one/says they both played their part 🙄

When it came to light years ago, when the younger one was 9 ish, it was immediately brushed under the carpet by the mother and the siblings grew up close, the younger one just got on with it. The victim is my partner and after they confided in me about it, and we had kids I think it opened their eyes much more to what happened being wrong and has since gone no contact. Personally I think it should be reported purely for the fact that I see this person as a danger to others but my partner is still of the Mind that it's their sibling and they wouldn't do that to anyone else... I cant make sense of that but I do know that it was always brushed under the carpet and made out to be a non event so I believe there's an element of not being believed or taken seriously and also that they do feel like they were partly responsible.

Why all this "they" and "them" nonsense when it's clear you are talking about two brothers?

@CallMeCleo

Why all this "they" and "them" nonsense when it's clear you are talking about two brothers?

Fair enough

Be kind @CallMeCleo , even if it is obvious to you it doesn't change anything does it??!

I've been in a similar situation. I think counselling and going no contact is the right thing for your partner to do right now. Going to the police would be traumatic, and would probably be dropped by cps due to insufficient evidence.

@CallMeCleo

Why all this "they" and "them" nonsense when it's clear you are talking about two brothers?

It’s hard to talk about these things. I’m sure the Op is doing her best not to identify people.

This should be reported. I think it sounds like the offender was abused themselves, this is most commonly the case. It sounds like both men need counselling and the offender needs to be monitored. If he has a child then this may well continue down the generations. Once reported there will be help available to both men.

I have supported someone in a similar situation. Whilst I can understand why you want to report this, it is likely to be extremely traumatic for him, and quite possibly little chance of prosecution, if there is no evidence. There are specific counselling services out there for victims of sexual abuse who can work through things with him, help him talk through the implications of reporting to the police, and support him through the legal process if he decides to go down that route.

I wonder if your partner is my ex?! He confided in me about his brother doing this but swore me not to tell anyone although it was clear he needed some kind of professional help.

@sweetypop

Thanks I don't know why I didn't think of the age of responsibility! The older one doesn't have kids, is a drug addict, not having a great life, they're no contact now but the older one does try to contact the younger one but blames the younger one/says they both played their part 🙄

When it came to light years ago, when the younger one was 9 ish, it was immediately brushed under the carpet by the mother and the siblings grew up close, the younger one just got on with it. The victim is my partner and after they confided in me about it, and we had kids I think it opened their eyes much more to what happened being wrong and has since gone no contact. Personally I think it should be reported purely for the fact that I see this person as a danger to others but my partner is still of the Mind that it's their sibling and they wouldn't do that to anyone else... I cant make sense of that but I do know that it was always brushed under the carpet and made out to be a non event so I believe there's an element of not being believed or taken seriously and also that they do feel like they were partly responsible.

Shame on the mother. What a disgrace of a mother who totally failed in her duty to protect.

If your partner made a complaint he would be video interviewed to give his account of what happened. The offender would then be asked to attend the Police station for a voluntary interview (or possibly arrested then bail conditions could be applied). He would be asked for his account. Enquiries would be made with other family members who knew about it. The disclosure your partner made to his mother is vital. She will be asked about this and a statement taken from her. If she denies it the job would be dead in the water. Once all the enquiries were done, a file of evidence would be sent to the crown prosecution service who would make a charging decision. This whole process can take well over a year. The chances of the offender being charged are very slim. A court case (if an offender pleads not guilty) can take months and months. It’s not uncommon for a job to take up to two years from start to finish.

In terms of the offender saying they both played their part. This is part and parcel of the grooming process that will have taken place around the offences.

It might help your partner to have counselling if he hasn’t already. It’s vital though that he is allowed to make a decision himself as to how he wants to move forward re any complaint, and that he’s not put under pressure from anyone else who thinks he should complain. It’s a brutal and lengthy process. If he does complain though he will have the support of a sexual violence advisor who will support him through the judicial process. Hope this helps.

Why is it obviously two brothers? The partner could be a female and the poster either male or female.

15 is not exactly an innocent child messing around.

I would feel that reporting would be the right thing to do, especially if the older brother is now a parent.

@helpfulperson

Why is it obviously two brothers? The partner could be a female and the poster either male or female.

Says it right there in OP, same sex

Oh, OP. I feel for your partner. He's been raped by his brother then totally failed by his mother. WTF was she thinking?

Your p was not at all responsible. It wasn't his fault in any way.

I'd advise counselling for him. I'd also encourage him to report it to the police. His brother may have abused or raped other people.

Having been assaulted as a child - its very important your husband's wishes are respected. Everyone on this website can give advice - but its what he wants to do that counts. As a child his wishes were not respected and he needs some control back over this situation.
I find it very healing to report my abuser - even thought they could not find him - it helped me put the past in the past. But since your husband has a much more complicated situation - my first recommendation is counselling which he will have access to free if you are in the Uk on the NHS and he can decide when he is ready what he wants to do.

@CallMeCleo

Why all this "they" and "them" nonsense when it's clear you are talking about two brothers?

because they dont want to give details obviously as said in very first post

I think that if your husband wanted to take this further then he absolutely could. It would have to be his decision though, he absolutely should not feel obligated or pressured by anybody to report it, because it would likely be a fairly traumatic court case, dragging things up that could be difficult and with no guarantee of closure or success, as historical abuse is hard to prove, and the underage element would likely complicate it further as to what the outcome would be.

I think your partner would likely benefit from talking therapy, but the decision to take his brother to court has to come from him only

These things should always be reported, if the victim is willing. There wouldn't be a prison sentence for the abuser given his age at the time of the attack, but they would probably go on the register to prevent them having access to children in the future.

This is the key point - someone who has abused in the past is more likely to do it in the future.

It's a shame that the mother didn't want to hear the truth, but that's pretty common unfortunately - I tried raising the issue of my brother abusing me once, but my parents shut that conversation down pretty quickly.

This was me. Abused aged 7 by my brother and his friends aged 15.

No one knew for 7 years. Me and my brother were made to share a bed on holiday every year. No privacy, expected to use loo in front of each other etc.

I told my mum when i was 14. She told me that ot didnt make sense as I didnt say anything at the time. The holidays and expected bed sharing continued.

I've no advice but it's horrible. I really feel for your partner.

Does the abuse have a family / access to children / access to your children?

I have family in a slightly similar situation. The parents have never believed or accepted it happened or if they have they have hidden their responses. All siblings are n/c.

@CallMeCleo oh for goodness sake does it matter? The OP is talking about their partner being raped as a child. Do you really need to tell them off for their choice of language